Before the show can begin we head “backstage” to Wookie’s parent’s basement where Wookie is sitting behind a large desk. The door at the top of the stairs opens and the silhouette of a rather large woman can be seen. The figure makes their way down the stairs and we see that it is none other than WWWS stalwart, Glenda the Genda Benda!
Wook Glenda! Great to see ya!
Glenda It’s great to be back Wook. So what’d you want to see me about?
Wook You’re in charge.
Glenda Oh, okay then. Seeya.
Glenda turns and leaves the basement.
RW OH MY GOD! GLENDA THE GENDA BENDA IS IN CHARGE OF WWWS NOW! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?????
Wait a minute….how am I doing commentary if I’m sitting there in the basement?
Live from RabidWookie’s parent’s house!
We now go to ringside where RabidWookie sits alone at the announce table, obviously not thinking through his decision to put his co-commentator in charge of the fed very well.
RW Hello folks and welcome to the all-new, all-different WWWS! What’s new and different about it you ask? Well…uh….not much really. But mum put up some really nice curtains in the kitchen that you might see later on….uh yeah..
Junior Senior’s Move Your Feet hits and the entire WWWS roster walks down to the ring and surrounds it as Glenda the Genda Benda follows them and steps inside. The thirteen or so people in the crowd give them a round of applause before returning to their patches of grass.
Glenda Welcome to WWWS! For those of you who haven’t heard, I’m Glenda the Genda Benda and I’m running things around here now.
Glenda picks up a briefcase that she carried to the ring and I forgot to mention earlier and opens it up, pulling out a rusty championship belt.
And this is what you’re all here for, the WWWS Championship. I’ve decided that we’re going to restart the fed completely. All previous champions and championships have been thrown out the window. It’s all irrelevant now, plus I was off my head on coke for pretty much the entire previous run of the fed, so I have no idea what happened back then.
Funky Stench Uh, big hairy man lady? Why does WWWS belt thing have “RWF” written on it?
Glenda Dunno really. I bought it from some drunk guy’s garage sale. But it’ll do. Any more questions?
Glenda Possibly. Anything els…..OH MY GOD!!! DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!!!
All eyes turn towards one of the newer members of the WWWS roster, none other than David Hasselhoff. Glenda wipes the drool from the corner of her mouth then calls for him to enter the ring. She shakes his hand vigorously and gives him a rather large and unprofessional hug.
Glenda Oh my God! I heard you were in the fed but I didn’t believe it! This is so cool! I’m your number one fan! I have all your albums! I can’t believe it!!
I just realized something everyone….the first round of the tournament has seven matches in it, this is uneven as some of you may have figured out. So I think that someone needs to be given a free ride into the second round.
Now lets see…who should it be….eenie…meenie…minie….DAVID HASELHOFF!
Congratulations David, you’re in the next round and you’ll face the winner of…let’s see…who’s the shittest here…Rick the Brick and Rob Steel! Now everyone get back inside so that the show can begin properly.
With that said and done everyone goes back inside the house
RW Well that was…interesting…and….shit…. Ah well, at least I don’t have to put up with the midgets and animals and inanimate objects anymore.
Malice versus Putty
Tournament Round One
Putty’s Theme hits and Putty rolls to the ring in the form of a…uh…ball of putty. He bounces into the ring, then takes on the form of a referee.
RW Wow! Putty just turned himself into a referee!
I really need to get myself a co-commentator for next week’s show.
More Human Than Human hits and Malice bounds out through the doggy door and races to the ring. She leaps between the ropes with style and looks around, confused at the sight of two referees and no Putty. The original referee shrugs his shoulders and calls for the bell, while Putty-Ref pretends to count Putty out of the ring. Malice paces back and forth, looking for her opponent to show up, but she can’t find him anywhere…that is until Putty turns into a sledgehammer and slams Malice into a corner!
Malice slumps into the corner and Putty bounces over for a pin. The ref stops checking out the one female in the audience and makes the count…1…2…Malice kicks out!
RW Close call there! Malice is going to have to keep an eye on Putty, you never know what he might turn into next!
Malice staggers to her feet and tries to back away from Putty, but Putty pounces on her and they roll to the outside. In midair Malice manages to turn around and slam Putty into the ground, causing them both to bounce back into the ring. They hit the mat with a thud and Putty is flattened to the mat, giving Malice time to race to the ropes while Putty tries to unstuck himself. Putty bounces up finally and Malice rebounds off the ropes and goes for a Testicular Bite…..but Putty doesn’t appear to have any testes! Putty forms a large boot and kicks Malice in the gut, sending her crashing from the ring with a yelp.
Putty begins to roll towards Malice, but Malice proves why she’s one tough bitch (literally….uh…that is if a female fox is a bitch. Oh wait…it’s a vixen isn’t it? Damn…) Anyway, Malice staggers back up to her feet and glares across the ring at Putty, who is slowly advancing on her. Putty begins to transform as he rolls forwards, producing two large arms with what look to be anvils attached to the ends. Malice charges at him and ducks under both anvils, then leaps, but Putty stretches wide and a hole appears in him just big enough for Malice to pass through. Malice lands behind Putty and keeps running, then hits the ropes and bounces back with a Spinning Tail Whip off the ropes.
Putty is sent crashing to the mat and Malice points towards the corner of the ring, which draws the tiniest of pops from the tiniest of crowds. Malice bears her teeth in what looks like a twisted grin then leaps up onto the top turnbuckle…
RW FIVE STAR FOX SPLASH!
Malice hits Putty hard with her finisher, but Putty has managed to balloon himself out and Malice bounces off of him straight up into the air. Malice sails upwards, but soon heads back down…with her claws outstretched. She hits Putty with a massive “POP!” and makes the pin….1…2…3!!!
RW Malice wins it! The former Women’s Champion advances to round two while Putty will be being scraped off the walls for a good week or so to come. Let’s head backstage for a skit or something while the janitors clean up this mess.
We head “backstage” once again, and this time we look to be in a bedroom. New Kids On The Block and East 17 posters line the walls so we can only assume that this is Wookie’s old bedroom. Several WWWS superstars sit in the room warming up for their matches tonight. Rick the Brick sits on top of a bedside table, Woody is pumping himself on a desktop, Murray the Skull sits atop a bed with a Care Bears doona cover and Cardboard Frost stands silently in a corner.
Rick Aw man, I’m gon’ kill that Steel sucka tonight!
Murray Blimey! A talkin’ brick!
Woody …… … . .!
Murray Arrrr! Ya damn straight I can!
Rick What the hell? Did that piece of wood just talk yo?
Woody ….. ..!
Rick Daaamn…..these suckas are spinning me out man!
Murray Arr! He got ya there Frosty!
Murray That was a foul insult to be sure.
RW Wow! Unbelievable comments there from Frost and Rick. I just hope that Rick didn’t throw Frost off his game, because he’s coming up against a WWWS veteran next…Link!
Cardboard Frost versus Link
Tournament Round One
The Zelda Theme hits and here comes Link, accompanied by Navi. Link appears to be limping slightly for some reason, and is throwing dirty looks in Navi’s direction. Link climbs into the ring, rubbing his arse as if it is in immense pain before turning towards the back door (no pun intended) to await Cardboard Frost’s arrival.Ice Ice Baby hits the tape deck and Frost is dragged to the ring by Wookie’s mum.
MotherWookie Rabid! Dinner will be ready in two hours. Make sure you and your friends are done playing by then okay?
Link sniggers at Wookie then prepares to take down Frost as the bell rings. Link charges at Frost, but he stops all of a sudden and clutches at his arse in pain again.
RW Poor guy. For those of you who don’t know why Link here is hurting so bad, he was recently subjected to a rather cruel impersonation of The Dragon by Navi. So yeah…the Dragon…sore arse….I don’t think any more really needs to be said about that.
While Link is standing there tending to his anus a gust of wind blows up and sends Frost flying at him. Frost slams into Link and knocks him over, then topples onto him for the pin…1…2…kick out!
Link leaps to his feet and snarls at Frost and pushes him upright, then seemingly forgetting his sore arse, runs to the ropes, then bounces off with a dropkick to the back of the head. Frost topples forwards and Link hits him with a legdrop…landing right on his butt and leaping into the air in immense pain! Link races around the ring rubbing his bum and screeching his lungs out. Navi flies up to eye level and screeches some words of encouragement, to which Link flips her off then heads back to Frost. He picks Frost up, Frost puts up a good fight thanks to the wind that is still blowing, then Link hits his finisher, whatever that may be since AJ didn’t add his stats to the thread and I can’t find them anywhere else….whatever the finisher is it seems to have done the trick though as Link goes for the pin…1…2…3!
RW Link wins a fairly easy one and advances to round two. But Frost still put up a good fight, for a piece of cardboard that is. Let’s head backstage once again hey?
We go inside the house once again where Toucan and Cat, The Evil Creatures seem to be having a conference in the kitchen. Cat has a laptop sitting on the kitchen table and he is typing a message to Toucan. Toucan swoops down to read the message, just as the back door flies open and Link storms into the kitchen, still rubbing his arse. The door hits the wall and pins Toucan there with a splat. Link storms towards the bedroom/locker rooms and Toucan shoves the door off of him just as Navi floats through.
Navi Link, wait! I’m sorry!
Toucan *SQWAWK!* What the hell was that?
Navi stops in midair and turns to face Toucan. Seeing him looking rather ruffled, she swoops down to help him up.
Navi Oooo…sorry ‘bout that! He’s a little grumpy. I flew up his butt and now he’s not talking to me…not that he talks much anyway…but….he won the match! He should be happy!
Toucan uh…buh….yuh….th-that….that’s okay….These th-things happen…..uh….
Navi So you’re okay?
Toucan nods his head and Navi smiles at him before flying off after Link again.
Toucan Cat ol’ buddy….I think I’m in love….
Cat *stares evilly*
RW DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!
Rick The Brick versus Rob ‘the Truth’ Steel
Tournament Round One
My Generation kicks in and the tough Bostonian known as Rob Steel comes out looking pumped. He trips over the garden hose then gets up and climbs into the ring as Bricks, Bricks, Wonderful Bricks hits. Rick the Brick is carried to the ring by the next door neighbour, who is returning Wookie’s dad’s wheelbarrow. Wookie’s neighbour throws Rick into the ring and the bell is rung.
RW Wow! Rick the Brick is looking to be in supreme condition here today!
Rob immediately picks up Rick and powerslams him into the mat, then pulls him back up and shows immense strength by throwing him out of the ring and right into the crowd! Rob poses on the turnbuckle, then climbs to the top and prepares to leap off with a huge 1080 Splash into the crowd! But just before he can leap off the top some friendly chap helps Rick back into the ring with a throw that sends Rick sailing into Rob’s forehead!
RW What an amazing move from Rick the Brick there! I’ve never seen someone with such grace in the air as he has!
Steel tumbles backwards off the turnbuckle and Rick lands on him for the pin…1…2…Steel just manages to kick out! Steel staggers to his feet, blood pouring from his head and he begins to stomp away at Rick before grabbing him and sending him to the ropes. Rick bounces off the ropes and slams into Steel’s gut hard, doubling Steel over, but Rick looks too exhausted to take advantage. Steel recovers first and drops the elbow on Rick then grabs him up again, signaling for THE TRUTH!!
RW No way! There’s no way that Steel can hit this…
Somehow Steel manages to set Rick up in his finisher, then flips him over and slams him to the mat…1…2…3! Steel advances!
As Rick is carried from the ring on a stretcher and Rob Steel celebrates a strange noise can be heard from ringside. Wookie looks around trying to figure out what is going on and suddenly a section of the garden caves in.
RW Oh no! Mum’s roses! She’s gonna kill me!
Wookie stands up to get a better look at what is going on just in time to see a thin bearded man wearing a turban crawl out of the ground.
RW It’s Bin Laden! Osama Bin Laden has arrived at the arena!
Osama looks around shiftily then heads into the house to prepare for his match as We Built This City hits to signify the start of the next match.
Bob versus Jason Kruger
Tournament Round One
Bob makes his way to the ring, and not looking where he is going, falls into the tunnel that Bin Laden crawled out of. While Wookie’s dad tries to pull him out of the hole Jason Kruger’s stirring theme hits and the big man comes to the ring. He shoves Wookie’s dad aside and grabs Bob by his balding head then yanks him into the ring. The ref calls for the bell and this one’s underway.
Kruger starts off with a whip to the ropes followed by a big boot attempt that Bob ducks under. Bob runs the ropes then rebounds with a big boot of his own. Bob keeps running (he’s looking very out of breath though) and Kruger pops back up….CLOTHESLINE FROM MILWAUKEE! Kruger goes down once again and Bob falls over from exhaustion. The ref is counting them down…
Kruger is up! Kruger grabs Bob by the back of the shirt and yanks him up then hits a big suplex. Suddenly the referee comes over and whispers something to the two competitors…
Ref “Guys, I just got word from backstage. This match sucks. Wrap it up now okay?”
Kruger nods and falls over, allowing Bob to make the pin…1…2…3!
RW And Bob the fat bastard wins. Thank fuck that one is over. Bob moves on to round two and Kruger moves on to the unemployment line. Next!
Well folks, we’re going to move right along here with our next match, Cat versu….oh my…
Excuse me a moment ladies and gentlemen.
Wookie gets up from his chair and heads over to a section of the crowd where a rather large, but extremely sexy woman is sitting. It looks like she may be from Belgium too. Wook swaggers over to her and begins laying down some smooth, smooth lines but she runs away and leaps over the fence into the neighbour’s back yard. A loud “yelp” can be heard as she lands, probably the sound of their miniature Jack Russell being crushed.
RW DAMN YOU BELGIUM WOMAN WHO ESCAPED WOOKIE’S LOVIN! YOU’LL BE MINE SOONER OR LATER! MIIIIIIINE!
Wookie returns to his announce table/ironing board.
*ahem* Next match please.
Cat w/Toucan versus Woody
Tournament Round One
Wood is Awesome! hits and Woody makes his way to the ring. He positions himself in the corner of the ring and waits for Cat to come out. I’m an evil cat, and you’re a fucking moron hits and Cat runs down to the ring, accompanied by Toucan.
Cat leaps into the ring and charges at Woody. He leaps, claws out, and tackles Woody to the mat then begins to use him for a scratching post! Woody puts up one hell of a struggle though and he soon has Cat pinned to the mat…1…2…Cat kicks out!
Cat lands on his feet (as cats do) and charges at Woody once again, but Woody trips Cat over and Cat stumbles into a corner. Woody calls out to the referee to help him up to his feet, which he does, then Woody falls on Cat! While down there he hits the dreaded Splinter and Cat is out cold. Woody makes the pin…1…2…3!
RW Holy shit! The writers must be getting bored! Because there is no way in hell that a rookie like Woody could have beaten the veteran Cat so easily!
Suddenly a large, hairy man runs out of the crowd and leaps into the ring. He picks up Woody and slams him to the mat with a DDDDT (whatever that is)! He begins to stomp away at Woody until the referee drags him away and shoves him into the house, leaving Woody in the middle of the ring out cold!
We head to the front yard now where The Australian Fast Bowler is warming up with some fast bowling. Wookie’s mum calls out to him to tell him he’s up next and he bowls an even faster ball before heading into the house to get ready.
In the basement Osama Bin Laden is getting ready for the match too. He’s declaring Jihad left, right and center and looks to be in supreme form for this one. AFB is gonna have his work cut out for him.
While we’re at it, lets look in on Funky Stench, who is cleaning out the Wookie’s refrigerator. Nothing new there.
And now for Murray the Skull. He’s doing…piratey stuff.
RW Alrighty then. Let’s head backstage to Zombie Hitler. He’s with that madman who just attacked Woody who I’ve just been told is called Headbanger Vaughn.
Zombie Hitler RAAARGH! Headbanger Vaughn, warum auf Erden haben Sie nur den Ring und den Angriff Woody eingetragen?
Vaughn Why? Why the hell do you think Zombie Hitler?
Zombie Hitler Uh, ich weiß nicht. Deswegen ich Sie gefragt habe.
Vaughn Fine, I’ll tell you then! I went out there tonight and attacked Woody….because he…..killed my parents!
Zombie Hitler DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
RW Well how about that.
The Australian Fast Bowler versus Osama Bin Laden
Tournament Round One
Before the match can start Wookie’s dad turns on the light on the back veranda as it is starting to get dark out here now. Osama Lama Ding Dong hits and Bin Laden makes his second appearance for the night in the backyard. He walks to the ring and leaps over the top rope then warms up in a corner.
Under The Southern Cross hits next and the Australian Fast Bowler makes his way out at a pace. As soon as Osama sees him coming he races towards the ropes and leaps over with a suicide dive. AFB pulls up short though and bowls a cricket ball right at Bin Laden’s head. It cracks Osama in the temple and AFB quickly rolls him into the ring. AFB pulls OBL up and sends him to the ropes, then hits a rather nifty drop toe hold before spotting something and rolling to the outside. AFB sees a cricket bat leaning up against the garden shed and gleefully picks it up and returns to the ring. OBL staggers to his feet and AFB swings….and misses! OBL ducks and the bat hits the ropes, bouncing back and clobbering AFB across the face!
RW What the hell is Fast Bowler doing? He’s a bowler, not a batsman!
AFB staggers around the ring and drops the bat, which the ref kicks to the outside. While the ref has his back turned OBL takes off his turban and charges at AFB, then slams it upside his head, taking him down hard!
RW I don’t believe it! Osama has a loaded turban on! Who’d have thought someone like him would play so dirty?
OBL goes for the pin…1…2…shoulder up!
OBL can’t believe it! He’s absolutely livid that AFB kicked out of a turban shot! He drags AFB up and tries to send him to the ropes, but AFB grabs a hold of his beard and begins to swing him around by it in a massive airplane spin! Round and round AFB spins until he finally tosses OBL over the top rope to the outside. OBL slams into the grass and ABL lets out a massive “HOWZAAAAT!” but the referee shakes his head.
RW It’s not over yet, Osama still has a ten count to get back into the ring.
AFB looks pissed off, but waits for the referee to begin counting, then slips to the outside behind his back and grabs his cricket ball. As he slides back into the ring the ref reaches six and OBL has made it onto the ring apron. AFB begins to clap his hands and the crowd joins in, getting faster and faster until AFB charges forwards and bowls a Beamer right at OBL! Osama is hit in the head once again and he falls from the apron just as the ref reaches ten!
RW Osama is counted out and Fast Bowler advances!
AFB On ya way! Back to the pavilion!
We go backstage once again to the lounge room where Putty has broken into the liquor cabinet and is watching television and drowning his sorrows. A loud crash comes from the next room and a pissed off Jason Kruger comes through the wall! Putty thinks quick and he turns into a beanbag as Kruger begins to tear the room apart, obviously not happy about his loss to Bob earlier tonight.
Suddenly a noise from the TV distracts Kruger and he turns to see that Blues Clues is on. His face lights up beneath his mask and he sits down on the beanbag….only to have the beanbag engulf him up and trap him inside of it! Putty has Kruger trapped, and Kruger’s pissweak plastic knife-glove-thingy can’t do anything to help him! A smile crosses Putty’s bulging face and he rolls out the front door and onto the road then spits Kruger out into the path of an oncoming truck before returning to watch his Blues Clues in peace.
RW Mum! You didn’t tell me Blues Clues was on! Tape it for me!
Oh…welcome back. I don’t think Kruger’s gonna be too happy about that whole being hit by a truck thing. But enough of that….time for our main event featuring two of WWWS’ finest…Funky Stench and Murray the Skull.
Murray the Skull versus Funky Stench
Tournament Round One
Before the match starts the lights go out and the backyard is plunged in darkness. The crowd, expecting a big arrival from one of their favourite superstars, begins to cheer wildly until Wookie’s dad realizes he is leaning on the light switch and flicks it back on. Pirates are Dead Sexy hits and Murray the Skull comes to the ring, looking like he has ditched his old body doubles and is doing this one on his own. He hops up the stairs and rolls into the ring as I’m to Funky hits and the largest man in not-so-professional wrestling waddles to the ring.
RW Bloody hell! It looks like Funky has put on a few thousand pounds since we last had a show. Lucky Murray is so small or he wouldn’t fit in the ring with him!
Funky somehow manages to fit through the ropes and the bell is rung. Murray sits there, unable to move being a skull and all, as Funky advances on him, then simply falls over and pins him to the mat…1…2…Funky leaps up into the air screaming! He whirls around and we see that Murray has latched himself onto one of his hundred or so chins by the teeth and won’t let go.
Funky flails his arms around and tries to knock Murray off, but he can’t reach around his own stomach! Murray latches himself on even tighter and Funky runs around like a madman. He races towards one of the corners and slams Murray into a turnbuckle, but he still won’t let go! Again and again Funky slams Murray into the turnbuckle until he finally becomes too exhausted to do anything else and topples over backwards. Murray finally lets go of his chin and sits atop Funky’s mammoth gut for the pin…1…2…Funky gets a shoulder up!
RW I don’t believe it! I thought Funky had died of a heart attack or something!
Funky looks just as shocked as Wookie and he immediately goes to work on Funky with Skullbutts. Funky tries to swat him away and after thirty or so attempts he lands a lucky shot and sends Murray across the ring. Funky then tries to get up, but he is far too fat. The referee goes to help him up, but the sight of him trying to roll over onto his stomach is too much and he doubles over with laughter, which is just what Murray needed. Murray hops over and leaps onto the ref’s back, then pounces onto Murray off of him with a 450-degree flipping Skullsault! He slams into Funky’s gut and gets stuck, but its still a pin…1…2…3! Murray the Skull wins!
RW Murray moves on to round two! And that’s the end of the show! It looks like we’ll have to wait a while for someone to turn up with a tractor or a forklift or something so that we can get Funky out of the ring so we’ll leave it here folks. Thanks for joining us and we’ll see you again next week…or thereabouts. Seeya!
*fade to crap*
Thanks to: Nobody. This piece of shit was all my own work.