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Thread: WWWK Farmageddon 2 Promo Thread

  1. #1
    likes pies RabidWookie's Avatar
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    WWWK Farmageddon 2 Promo Thread

    Pig Pen Battle Royale
    The winner of the battle royale will be the first competitor in an upcoming WWWK Championship match.
    If you're on the roster, you're in the match.

  2. #2
    godless mth's Avatar
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    Amidst the din of hard working men relaxing over frosty mugs and billiards, someone tickles the ivories, and the barman looks so much like Wilford Brimley it's downright uncanny. A young ranch hand sits at the bat sipping on sarsaparilla (that is not how expected that to be spelled).

    "Boy howdy, this Cactus "The Cactus" Cactus sounds like a mighty fine fella! A regular Lone Ranger...iffin' the Lone Ranger were a plant!"

    "When it came to truth and justice, Ol' Cac was true blue...'cept he was green, I guess. He was a spiny pillar of the community. He'd look the meanest of cats square in the eye and not move an inch...unless that cat pushed him over...but that's no easy task an' that cat would walk away with an ass fulla needles or thorns or whatever you call 'em. That's right, Ol' Cac stood his ground against the Barksalot Boys and ain't nobody seen those rascals since..."

    "An' I heard he was a wrassler, too?"

    "Mmm-hmm. Tremendous talent in the squared circle. Boy, you shoulda seen him...perched high atop the turnbuckle, his opponent groggy, stumbling, the crowd roaring...and then...then he would fall over...WITH THEATRICS!...right off the top rope, truly breath-taking...'Cockatoose!' they called it, believe that came from the Japs, Ol' Cac did a brief stint over there as the masked American Cactus Plant Hero Wow! 'fore he really found his, rooting? in the States..."

    "Well gosh, I sure would love to meet this fella and shake his hand!"

    The barkeeper's face drops and he stares somberly at the counter.

    "'Fraid that's impossible, son...fer starters, cactus don't have hands...and second, ain't nobody seen Ol' Cac since that big ol' space rock hit the orphanage 'bout five years back..."

    "So you think aliens got 'im? He was a victim of Martian assassination? GOL' DURNIT! My cousin Ricky Joe was right! They ain't just comin' to stick stuff up our butts! They're comin' for our heroes! They're comin' for our--"

    "Kid, do me a favor an' shut the fuck up."

    "Hey boys, you two gettin' all worked up talkin' 'bout Cactus, hmm? Can't say I blame you, just thinkin' 'bout him gets me all a-flutter...I'm talkin' 'bout my vag, you understand..."

    A voluptuous velvet and lace clad lady has found herself beside them. Poor kid does his damnedest to keep his eyes on his drink 'cuz sweet jesus, those tits could choke a horse and probably have.

    "Hush up now, Ms. Beauxmier, the kid's barely got peach fuzz on his dingleberries an' you in here talkin' 'bout yer lady-flaps..."

    "Mm, well, i see I've made the poor boy flush, wonder iffin' I made blood rush to another part of his anatomy...I'm talkin' 'bout his penis, you understand..."

    "Durn blast it, Ms. Beauxmier, last thing I wanna be talkin' 'bout is this kid's pecker!"

    "Well then let's git back to talkin' 'bout the finest member of the plant family Cactaceae to ever don a ten gallon hat and put out a pop record..."

    "Gotta be honest, that album...was not good..."

    "No. It was not."





    "Right, so whadda y'all think happened to Cactus then?"

    "Aw, hunny, he's with Jesus' there ain't no more pain, ain't no more tears, ain't no more cats, an' no more god-awful pop albums..."

    "Don't lie to the boy, Ms. Beauxmier, Ol' Cac is in the same place as all o' them kids an' their caretakers: mixed in with the dirt an' rubble of that orphanage, nothin' but ash, one with the soil now..."

    "Oh no, Tucker, I can't believe it! I won't believe it! My Cactus is soaring with the angels now! He's strummin' a harp and singin' glory to the Lord!"

    "Reckon yer both wrong..."

    "How would you know, kid?"

    "'Cuz I read his stats in the other thread...may I borrow your lipstick, Ms. Beauxmier?"

    "I guess if drag's your bag, sugar..."

    The ruddy-faced young cowboy takes her lipstick and begins drawing on the top of the bar...

    ...he then draws a cactus in the center.

    ", uh, gimme a knife and uh, everybody look away an' think 'bout how I've totally had lots of sex with very pretty ladies..."

    The barkeeper hands him a small knife but no one looks away because they don't want to think about him having sex. He pricks his finger and squeezes a drop into the center of the pentagram.
    For moment, nothing...
    ...silence, all eyes staring...
    ..but then, the cactus in the center begins to glow...

    "Boy, what in the hell have you done?"

    "I've *ULP!* I've summoned him!"

    Flames ignite the symbol, dancing on the bar. Ms. Beauxmier tries to fan at them with her fan but it only catches fire so she tosses it with a shriek.

    "You done sent a message straight to the depths of hell itself, kid! You ain't gonna meet Ol' Cac, no siree, yer gonna meet whatever kinda monster he's become!"

    And with appropriate timing there is an eruption of flames in the middle of the room!

    A few people are set on fire and run screaming for the door. Everyone else gasps and screams and totally freaks the fuck out because standing where the burst of flames once was is now the horrible demonic monstrosity known as CACTUS BLACK! Also the saloon is now on fire.

    Ms. Beauxmier faints. The young cowboy faints. The barkeep pulls out a shotgun.

    "Can't say fer sure iffin' it's good to see you, Cac. Been a long time an' it looks like yer not quite yerself anymore. Reckon I better go read the bio in yer stats so I know just what in the hell's goin' on but I ain't got time fer that. So you got the time it takes me to set my sight to 'splain yerself 'fore I'm gonna be forced to pull this trigger..."

    But Cactus Black pulls his skeleton out through his mouth.

    A handful of saloon patrons have pulled out their sidearms and begin unloading bullets into the nightmarish creature. The nightmarish creature simply unloads the bullets right back into them.

    Hey, remember when we weren't allowed to have violence in our promos? And then that one dude had this chick that fought a bear or something so I did a promo where mth fought a dolphin to make fun of it. Good times. Anyway, I hope violence is ok in these promos because otherwise I guess I'm that badass rulebreaker that your mom warned you about. If you wanna talk about it, I'll be having a smoke out behind the school.

    So Cactus Black obviously slaughters every living thing in the saloon and leaves the place burned to the ground and the promo ends with this sweet visual of him standing amidst the smoldering remains of it all with charred skeletons and glowing embers and shit. Siiiick.

  3. #3
    godless mth's Avatar
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    Inside the small church we find the good reverend (who looks so much like Wilford Brimley it's uncanny!) penning a checkmark next to Ms. Beauxmier's name on a list of about twenty-odd names under the heading "This Week's Funerals". The visible exhausted good reverend slumps into a pew with a sigh of relief and mops his brow with a handkerchief.

    "Good Lord..."

    "...if that aint't meant to be the start of a prayer, you oughtta quick turn it into one. Lots to be prayin' fer these days plus, ya know, not takin' the Lord's name in vain ain't but the first or second commandment..."

    The good and slightly startled reverend turns around to see a young curly-haired farm boy in the back.

    "Billy Bobby Tommy Joe! I didn't see you there!"

    "Been here all week, Reverend. At ever' one of the funerals. Ain't left but a couple times just to piss and shit out back."

    "Language, Billy Bobby Tommy Joe!"

    "That was English, Reverend, only one I know..."

    "*sigh* What can I do for you, Billy Bobby Tommy Joe?"

    "...I was there, Reverend, the night Cactus came back...I saw it all, I saw what he done an' I lived to tell the tale..."

    "Praise Jesus fer sparing yer life, m' boy!"

    "What's the opposite of praise, Reverend? So we can do that fer him letting all the other git killed..."

    "Whoa now, young fella! Let's not go gettin' mad at the Almighty fer workin' in mysterious ways!"

    "I can't sleep, Reverend! I can't eat, neither! You wanna think I'm special, I'm chosen, 'cuz the Lord spared me but naw, NAW! I been cursed! I can't close my eyes without seein' it! I can't see a shadow without thinkin' it's him! The things I saw, Reverend! The horrors!"

    Billy Bobby Tommy Joe begins to sob uncontrollably and the good reverend puts an arm around his shoulders.

    "There, there, Billy Bobby, etc., hush up now, hush up..."

    "I seen men torn clean in half! I see folks' lungs pulled out their butts! I seen stuff that makes Revelations look like Wonder Pets!"

    "I have no idea what that means..."


    More sobbing.

    "Alright, now, i told you about language...but then, I guess in context, that was an appropriate use of 'hell' and 'damned', so I suppose...hmmm..."

    "I can't stop thinkin' 'bout it, Reverend...can't stop thinkin' 'bout that mmmmm, big black cactus...the things he could do..."

    "Bill Bob Tom Joe, your tone seems...different?"

    "I can't stop thinkin' 'bout those long, thick tendrils...the things he did with them...the things he could have done to me..."

    "Reckon I don't care fer the direction this is goin'..."

    "I told you I was cursed, Reverend! That cactus, that cactus has poisoned my mind! An' now, now I can't stop thinking 'bout that big black cactus deep inside my ass!"

    "Jesus Christ!"

    "Was that the start of a prayer, Reverend? 'Cuz I reckon it weren't! But you might wanna start 'cuz I been tryin'! Tryin' ever' night to pray but I ain't been prayin' ever' night, oh no..."


    "I been jackin'! I been jackin' real hard!"


    The good reverend crumples to the floor.

    "You must keep your thoughts on Jesus, son! Keep your thoughts on the Savior!"

    "Ya mean I should be jackin' fer Jesus?"

    "Heavens no! You must repent! You must repent for your sins of the flesh! Open your heart to the Lord!"

    "But I wanna open my ass to the cactus!"

    "This is a family business! There'll be none of that filth here!"

    "I know! But then I said, '..oh, well, then you're really not going to like my next promo... '"

    "Well, you're gonna get us all fired! Or at the very least, make Cactus Black lose his match!"

    "All of that would be GOOD! Maybe then I won't be cursed anymore!"

    "Oh no, son, it's not that easy! Once that demon's gotten inside you-"

    "But that's just it, he hasn't! The obvious solution is for me to have sex with Cactus Black!"

    "This promo is gross."

    The good and really quite uncomfortable reverend notices the young man has grabbed a pen from the back of the pew and has begun drawing on the seat.


    He tries to wrestle the writing utensil away but he's a fat old man.

    He finishes by drawing a cactus in the center.

    "You're too late, Reverend! This ends now!"

    "You still need virgin's blood!"

    Billy Bobby Tommy Joe smirks/winks and bites his tongue. A red wad of spit is hocked onto the symbol.


    ...and now the church is on fire.


    Billy Bobby Tommy Joe drops his pants and...uh..."presents"... Cactus Black extends a...I guess it's called a branch? It's not an arm, I know that, but then he is sort of anthropomorphic now, so...let's just go with branch...which transforms into a chainsaw made of fire that cleaves the downward dogging young man in twain. Cauterizes the wound at the same time. Spiffy!


    The good and somewhat foolish reverend flings a Bible at the hellish nightmare plant.
    And a hymnal.
    And a collection plate.
    (This isn't going well)
    He looks around in desperation...

    "Sweet Jesus, forgive me..."

    He grabs the crucifix off the wall and advances toward the nightmarish entity, swinging wildly.

    "..what I don't understand is..."
    " any of this relates to..."
    "Wrestling! I mean.."
    "There's a Pig Pen Battle Royal..."
    "And a Championship!"
    "But you're a demon cactus hybrid murdering folks in New Mexico!"
    "It just doesn't make a whole lotta sense is all!"
    "An' I see hittin' you with this here crucifix ain't doin' me any favors...appreciate you humoring me, though...Jesus, take me home"

    Cactus Black pulls his skeleton out through his mouth.
    But he doesn't go home.
    He just dies.
    Because there is no Heaven.

  4. #4
    likes pies RabidWookie's Avatar
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    Wookieville Farms...

    A bearded figure stands next to a rickety wooden fence, a large bucket in one hand. They reach inside and pull out a handful of food scraps.


    MotherWookie tosses a handful of food over the fence as a group of pigs waddle over to gobble it up. Amongst the food scraps we see that she has thrown in some special ingredients....a cactus...a handful of computer circuits...a dead squirrel...a plush toy fox...

    "That son of mine has gotten soft since he left the Farm. Kittens? What the fuck is this nonsense? Next thing you know he'll be making this a family friendly event!"

    She watches with glee as the pigs tear apart the toy fox, stuffing flying everywhere

    "Yes! YES! Eat! EAT! Get a taste for it my pretties....but enoy it! This is your last feed for a while, I want you good and hungry for the real thing. We'll make this place the scumhole it used to be again and we'll start by giving the old barn a fresh lick of paint. A nice blood red will look real nice I think..."

  5. #5
    The Thinking Man's Idiot Simmo Fortyone's Avatar
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    May 2002
    Andre giant once eat kid hot dog at arena. He then laugh. I never forgive that fat motherfucker for that
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    Oh get fucked, if mth is going to put effort into his promos then I'm out

  6. #6
    likes pies RabidWookie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simmo Fortyone View Post
    Oh get fucked, if mth is going to put effort into his promos then I'm out
    They're longer than the shows will be

  7. #7
    godless mth's Avatar
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    What can I say, I'm a goddamn overachiever...

  8. #8
    Omega Level Digimon ImperialStingmon's Avatar
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    Entry 1: Log Date: 5202017. The opportunity to participate in a battle royal to become a contender for a championship is a well-established concept. However pig pens are not usually involved which has this one confused. More confusing however are the other participants. One appears to be a a mere human obsessed with squirrels. Another is apparently a former boy band leader who has been coasting on his looks for far too long. Then there is a fox...this is illogical. Perhaps it has a death wish and wants to be a pelt? Finally, so far, there is the demon possessed cactus, Cactus Black. Why a demonic spirit would choose to inhabit a cactus is beyond my computations but it matters not. I have come here with one objective and my chances of achieving said objective are 100%. I am never wrong.

  9. #9
    2003 R-Fed Number 1
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    Britneys back garden with binoculars
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    And So It Begins Again 2: The Re-beginning

    The Coach and Justin Timberlake are driving down a dusty road in the countryside. Both are sporting cowboy hats and sunglasses although Coachs is a kiddy hat and his sunglasses are in the shape of the numbers 2005, a reminder of better days when he was relevant to wrestling. It's an american classic corvette, deep pink to match the font colour here. Gotta stay on brand people!

    JT: Driving towards forever in a car made for everyone...

    Coach looks quizzically at him.

    JT: When eternity is a pitstop on the road of life where you need a car to be both your treadmill and your sombrero...

    Coach: Umm...

    JT: When feeling like a man, or a woman, or a cactus means having the world at your fingertips and your fingertips are a window into the pysche of your soul

    Coach: What are you talking about Justin?

    JT: I'm practicing Coach. If Matthew McConnawhatever can get a car ad then surely I deserve one. He's just an actor, I have the poet of a soul....damnit, I mean the soul of a're ruining this for me Coach!

    Coach: Oh...of course, that was really good Justin, very inspiring.

    JT: But thats the problem Coach, I'm too inspiring. We all saw what happened with hUrT!

    Coach: That was pretty tragic actually

    JT: Ok, lets not go that far. Yes I gave my entire discography in one easy to listen to playlist to Eric Valentine and he became so entranced with my music that he did nothing else for the last 2 months except listen to it, but thats still a pretty good life!

    Coach: They found him in his office wrapped in a blanket and rocking back and forth. He was using a filing cabinet as a toilet and he was living off the rats that had infested the arena!

    JT: Yes thats just the effect my music can have.

    Coach: Thats what your opponents have been saying for years.

    JT: Shut it Coach. Now where are we going?

    Coach reaches down to pull out an information packet and clips a koala sending it flying straight up into the sky.

    Coach: We're heading to Wookieville Farms for Farmageddon 2 in WWWK.

    JT: Don't you mean WWWS?

    Coach: I....I have some bad news Justin, are you sitting down?

    JT: I'm in a car Coach, of course Im sitting down.

    Coach: Wookie has replaced the strippers with kittens

    JT: What?? Oh dear God, I need to sit down.

    Coach: You are sitting.

    JT: This is more traumatic than the time I had to listen to Surges promos in URW Survivor....Why? Why would they do such a thing? Those poor strippers... This is the worst news you could have given me...

    Coach: ......well.....actually there's more. You see the first match for the number 1 contender....

    JT: No.....don't say it Coach, don't you dare say it!

    Coach: It's another battle royal event.

    Justin punches the dashboard and immediately regrets it as he chips a nail. Lightning quick he has his nail set out of his first aid kit and begins filing and repairing the nail.

    JT: Damnit Coach, I've never won a battle royal in my entire career. 6 seconds I lasted in hurT's battle royal and I didnt even make the card of the next show as a result. I was WWWS's last heavyweight champion I deserve to be the first champion of WWWK!

    Coach: Well you never actually won the belt, you just stood in the ring and declared that everyone else had forfeit after you counted to 10.

    JT: It still counts darnit!! This is a situation that will require all my mental fortitude and cunning...

    Justin stares out at the road with a look of concentration on his face.

    He stays this way for the remainder of the trip, not even flinching when Coach almost runs down Simmo on the way to Wookieville farms.

    As they drive an ominous banging is heard from the boot of their car...

    Last edited by Justin Timberlake; May 26th, 2017 at 11:05 AM.

  10. #10
    likes pies RabidWookie's Avatar
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    Pssst...Farmageddon 2 got posted already

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