Crawl with me into tomorrow
Or I’ll drag you to your grave
I am deep inside your children
They’ll betray you in my name
SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE
JF: It’s a pleasure to have you ladies and gentlemen here. We’re always honored.
BS: Except on Tuesdays. Did you know it’s okay to kill people on Tuesdays? Interesting fact, that. Luckily, this is, indeed…a Wednesday. Not only that, but it’s Breakout. If last time around was Return Of The Jedi, you can pretty much consider this Revenge Of The Sith, unless you didn’t like Revenge of the Sith, in which case, erm… Anyways, it should be greatness and we’re actually pretty happy tonight.
JF: With a tremendous roster, great talent all around, RPW is the envy of too many, and we’re going to prove to you, just why.
BS: And we start, with this man…
“Problem Child” by AC/DC hits and out comes Tylor Trenton, alone, with a microphone in his hands to deafening jeers from the entire arena. He gets into the ring, and he doesn’t waste any time.
Tylor Trenton: Gents, Benzino and Pablo, they’re going to die tonight. Nothing any of you can do about that. So forget about all that and focus on the real story. Tylor Trenton takes on Marc Kingston, one on one at Melancholia and does what Wizard never could, he becomes the RPW Global Champion. I earned my RPW Global Title shot when I beat the champion, one on one, in the ring. I am the number one contender. I beat Marc Kingston, and I’ll beat him again. That, ladies and gentleman is what’s going to happen at Melancholia just as soon as that orange piece of trash Kingston stops masturbating and comes out here to accept my challenge. So, how bout it champ? I beat you once, let me do it again.
Instead of Kingston, “Bury Me In Smoke” hits and out comes Wizard onto the stage.
Tylor Trenton: No, no, no. You don’t get it, do you old man? Nobody cares about you. Go home. Leave. Get out. Don’t you say a damn word, because you already lost to Kingston. You already let these people down. You already proved what I’ve been saying all along. You suck.
Wizard: Maybe you’re right Trenton. Then again, I didn’t lose last week, did I? No, I’m trying to remember. It was Aussie Outlaw, it was Tylor Trenton. It was Marc Kingston, it was Wizard. You didn’t pull the win out, did you? No, you watched Aussie Outlaw lying on his back. What makes me sick though is that you tried to tell Kingston that you paid Alf to lay down for him. Why are you trying to screw with him like that? We all know the only person that laid down for Marc Kingston, that threw the match was me. Why? Because I knew what it would mean. If I beat Marc Kingston, he’d be gone, lost in the darkness. But if I let him win, which I did, then you have Kingston-Wizard II, and Tylor Trenton isn’t even in the main event. I laid down for Kingston, and I did it to make him seem like a champion, a real champion. Now, I’m going to take his belt away, and make it mine at Melancholia.
Tylor Trenton: I like where you’re going with this Wiz. So, you threw it in, huh? Coy, fellow, coy. Maybe everyone’s thrown it in. Hell, I knew I threw it in when I laid on my back for Kingston way back when at Last Summer. I said to myself, Kingston needs to become the champion, we need to make him seem like a king, so that when I take the throne, it means more than it ever has. Heck, I don’t think Kingston’s won a match in his life that somebody else didn’t just throw in. Well, he did beat Rog a lot. Then again, so did everyone. The point is though, Wiz, it’s not going to be you dethroning him, it’s going to be me. I get that you’re pretty much shitting on your friend here, but I still hate you and I still would never ever let you win that Global Championship.
Wizard: Whoa, let’s get one thing straight. I’m not Kingston’s friend. I was never Kingston’s friend. I was showing him the ropes so when I beat him at Melancholia, it’ll look like I’m beating a champion. I don’t make friends with idiots.
Suddenly, Wizard’s mic is cut off. Trenton goes to yell out something to him, but neither man can get a word out. Just then, Jonathan Severs makes his way out.
Severs: What I heard back there disgusted me. Wizard, you’d betray your friend just to look like the legit man. I saw it in your eyes last week. You wanted to make it seem like you could do it on your own. Now, this week, you’re feeling cocky, you’re ragging on Kingston. Kingston is your friend. He got your back when no one else would. I didn’t get it. But I played back in my mind what you told Kingston last week. Whatever it takes to get the ratings, to get the show, right? Whatever it takes to get the spotlight. Trash on this guy, that guy, or the next guy, and you’ll get complete control and be the envy of all your peers, even if it means trashing all your peers.
Trenton, you’re just about the scum of the earth. The two of you want title shots. You want to be the one to beat Kingston at Melancholia. Sadly, I don’t have much of a choice. You guys, you played me just right. This, this is money, this is what it’s about. So, at Melancholia, it’s going to be a triple threat match. Marc Kingston will take on the Wizard will take on Tylor Trenton, for the RPW Global Championship. Thank you gentleman.
Severs walks out as the crowd roars. A massive match booked for Melancholia as The Wizard heads up, and Tylor Trenton heads out.
Backstage, Marc Kingston is watching his tele in disgust. Dragon, LOR, and Tsunami have their jaws dropped next to him.
Dragon: The fucking cunt.
Kingston: Shut up! All of you, just shut up. He didn’t mean it. He wouldn’t have meant it. He’s my friend. He’s not going to go cunt on me. There’s no reason for it. It’s not in the handbook.
Tsunami: Actually, it is. Passage 78 of the handbook talks specifically about this scenario.
Kingston: Fuck up! I’ll talk to Wizard, we’ll get this resolved, we will.
Kingston shakes his head and leaves the Elements of Destruction locker room. His mates wait a while and then turn the channel to the Yanni concert, playing live and in all four dimensions.
JF: Some obvious issue building there. I won’t give my take on it, because I really feel this is all too soon. Strange development, though.
BS: Stranger still is this development between Jimmy Beard and Tear Away. Tear Away seems to lead Beard into just about everything he does. Every measure of revenge seems to be lead by Tear Away. It’s scary, almost. And then you remember it’s Tear Away, and you’re all better.
JF: That’s a funny way of seeing the world.
BS: Well, this match will be a funny way of seeing the tag ranks, two teams battling it out here tonight over a burned locker room and lost dreams, absolute brilliance.
Jimmy Beard & Tear Away Vs. Team TECC
You said you wanted evolution
The ape was a great big hit
You say you want a revolution, man
And I say that you’re full of shit
We’re disposable teens!
The East Coast Connection - henceforth to be known as TECC - make their way down to the ring to a distinctly mixed reaction. Some fans appreciate the vigilante nature of their loyalty to their fallen comrade Skippy Smith, others think they are hindering rather than helping their cause. In any case, J Dogg and Jackson Outkast look to be all about business as they make their way down to the ring.
JF: We've got quite an exciting match lined up right here for you now, as the quasi-veteran teaming of TECC takes on Tear Away and Jimmy Beard in their first ever match-up together.
BS: That's a lie Jim, a bare-faced lie. My secret underground sources inform me that in the past week, Tear and Jimmy - or Away and Beard, if you prefer - have teamed up on seeral occasions to kick the ever-loving shit out of a Hobo.
JF: That was TraXX.
BS: .......................Oh. Same difference.
As "Club Foot" by Kasabian starts to play, so Tear Away and Jimmy Beard make their way out together, Jimmy looking more focussed than ever as Tear Away stands next to him, cussing out the opponents they have standing in the ring. Their reception is equally mixed, with fans admiring Jimmy's brave showing at the last Breakout, but wary of exactly what games Tear Away is playing here.....
JF: These two appear to have some form of an alliance with the Avengers, another up-and-coming tag team.....
BS: I know! Let's call them the Revengers!
BS: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Back in the ring, things are about to kick off as J-Dogg seems ready to start things off for TECC, whilst after a bit of discussion, Tear Away agrees to let Jimmy start off, patting him on the back before heading to his corner.
The bell rings and we're officially underway as the two smaller men lock up in the middle of the ring. J-diggity-Dogg tries to go behind Jimmy Beard, but he reads it, locks him on his way around, and brings him down quickly with a Side Russian Leg Sweep, to much applause from Tear Away. He floats opver trying to get a quick cover to end this, but J-Dogg powers out just before 2. Beard follows up with a quick baseball slide to the rising J-dogg, before administering some vicious stomps to his downed opponent.
JF: Jimmy Beard taking control of this earl on in the matchup.
BS: Of course he is, idiot.....don't you realise facial hair = ratings?
Beard continues his dominance of J-Dogg by bringing him up only to drop him straight back down again with a DDT, to wild praise from Tear Away in the corner.....he goes to apply an armbar to the downed J-Dogg, but he takes Beard down with a cradle pin attempt!!!
1.......2.....No, Jimmy kicks ou just after two. J-Dogg turns to face him, but Jimmy breaks down in tears about not having a home, before nailing J-Dogg with a low blow, sending Tear Away into hysterics on the apron.
JF: That's a move he calls then Beardaphon!
BS: Yes, pretend to be homeless, reel 'em in and then BAM!!! square in the nuts!!!
JF: We're meant to be commentating a match, not talking about your love life....
BS: No, you see, that's what the move is, the Beardaph-
JF: A likely story..
BS: No really, he pretends to be homeless, then hi-
BS: Awww, I don't like it when the tables are turned.....
At this stage, Beard decided to take a breather and tag in an appreciative Tear Away, who walks right into a low-blow of his own, courtesy of J-Dogg!!!
JF: IS NOTHING SACRED?!?!?
BS: Dogg nails Tear Away right where the sun don't shine!
JF: Unless you're wearing what you had on at the New Year's party....
BS: IT WAS A WARDEROBE MALFUNCTION!!!!
J-Dogg leaps back to his corner to get the tag in to Jackson, and it's the battle of the fresh men now, as Tear Away rises, only to be downed by a clothesline! And another! And ano-NO! Tear Away ducks the third attempt and goes for a swinging neckbreaker, but Jackson fights out and drops him with a reverse DDT! Non-stop action here as Jackson drop down for the cover!
Jimmy Beard breaks it up with an elbow drop just before the three-count. The ref lecture him, and behind his back J-Dogg runs in to double-team Tear Away.....Jimmy's frantically trying to explain it to the ref, but he just berates him further, giving TECC time to nail Tear Away with the Royal Rooter!!!
JF: A powerbomb followed by a leg-drop, Tear Away must be out!!!
As Jimmy is forced out of the ring by the ref, J-Dogg returns to his corner, and yell at the ref to make a count. Seeing what's happened, the ref drops down, and 1........
FOOT ON THE ROPES!
Jimmy Beard applauds his team-mate, and claps his hands, trying to get the crowd behind them. Jackson is arguing furiously with the ref, who's having none of it, leaving Jackson to pick up the prone Tear Away by his hair, ranting at him about The Avengers having killed Skippy Smith. He whips him across the ring and nails him with a stinger splash, before whipping him to the opposite corner and setting him up for.......
SEE IT GO!!!
Jackson nails his German Suplex from the top, and Tear Away CAN'T be doing well right now. The move took a lot out of Jackson too, who landed awkwardly, so instead of going for the cover, he heads back to his corner to turn things over to J-Dogg....
JF: Now this is where TECC's experience as a team comes to the fore....having dismantled Tear Away behind the ref's back, Jackson now realises that it's time to let the fresh man work on him, at the same time allowing himself the opportunity to catch a breather.
Jackson crawls back to his corner, stretching his hand out for the tag, as Tea Away begins to do the same.....Outkast finally makes it, and J-Dogg speeds across the ring as Tear Away draws nearer to Beard, dropping an elbow to the back of his head and stopping him in his tracks.....He waits for Tear Away to get back up to his knees, and locks in the Dog Pound!!! J-dogg's own version of the Steiner recliner has Tear Away awoken to his senses again, thrashing about in pain, desperately trying to reach the ropes, crawling forward inch by inch...
J-Dogg tries to clinch the move in harder, but in trying to apply more leverage, his foot slips for a second, allowing Tear Away enough time to drag himself froward and grab the ropes!!!
But this is RPW, and rope-breaks don't count anymore!!!!
BS: You'd have thought these guys would know they've got nowhere to run with submissions nowadays.....
JF: Well, trying to get a rope-break on a submission is second nature to these guys.....it's an instinctive reaction, and something a lot of them can't just forget two matches into a rule change.
BS: Well heat up the popcorn, I'ma watch him squirm!!!
And squirm indeed he does as J-Dogg arches back and he realises the ref isn't going to break the hold. He tries to drag himself out of the move along the ropes, but J-Dogg isn't letting go!!! He sit down on Tear Away's back now, leaving him with nowhere to go, yelling all the while "Tap, you son of a bitch, tap!!!"
BS: You'd have though someone called Dogg would be the son of a bitch.
JF: It's a figure of speech....
BS: It is???? If that's the case, there's a poodle out there who's been ripping me off for child support for the past 3 years!!!
Back in the ring, Tear Away's still fighting it, but he's fading, and fading fast......Beard once again tries to get the fans behind them, but there's nowhere he can go!!!
Tear Away shakes his head in pain......his arm goes up......Jackson cusses him out from ringside......the arm's shaking, and.........
he's fighting it.......
he's fighting it........
J-Dogg arches Tear Away's head back with all that he's got.......
the arm comes down!!!!
Tear Away taps!!!! Tear Away taps out!!!!!
But no!!! In the last second, Beard stretched his arm through the ropes, and caught Tear Away's tapping hand on the way down!!! He tagged himself in, taking Tear Away out, and rendering the tap-out invalid!!!
J-Dogg doesn't realise this, and turns to celebrate with Outkast, but gets pearl-harboured by a fired-up Beard! Jackson tries to interfere, but Beard drops him down with a big fist as Tear Away rolls out of the ring to recover........Beard's going ballistic on J-Dogg now! Stubble Stunner! J-dogg is down, and Bear heads up top. From below, Tear Away urges him on, yelling "Kill that bastard!!! Snap his f**ing neck" no doubt still in agony from the Dog Pound.....
Jimmy nails a 450 splash, but doesn't go for the cover, instead rolling outside to help Tear Away back onto the apron......Tear Away just keeps telling him to take J-Dogg's neck apart, so Beard rolls back in, lifts J-Dogg up, kick to the gut and STUBBLER!!! NO! Beard rolls through the crippler crossface attempt, as on the outside, Tear Away and Jackson get into a slanging match, with Outkast taking down the still-hurting Tear Away .
Back on the inside, J-Dogg rolls under an attempted clothesline, and catches Beard with an elbow to the ribs, he sets him up for his finisher!
JF: Fast lane coming now, this could be all over right now!
J-Dogg lifts him up in the Angle Slam position and spins him through the Air! FAST LA-STUBBLER!!!STUBBLER!!! In mid air, jimmy turns and locks in the stubbler, coming down on J-Dogg with his own momentum!!! He's got it locked in, and the impact of the landing already appears to have done damage to J-Dogg, who's screaming in pain as the two others brawl around on the floor.
JF: Will he tap???
BS: That sonofabitch better not, i got money riding on this!!!
Jackson goes to get in the ring from the outside and grabs onto the ropes to pull himself in, but Tear Away pulls back on Jackson. J-Dogg is trying to get himself to the ropes to make the tag to Jackson. Tear Away is pulling on Jackson. Beard has got J-Dogg locked. J-Dogg is reaching out for the ropes, for Jackson. Jackson is still getting pulled back by Tear Away. The closer J-Dogg gets, the farther Tear Away pulls Outkast, the farther away the two are. J-Dogg screams out, and soon after, taps out. It’s over. J-Dogg taps out and Tear Away and Jimmy Beard have gotten a measure of vengeance against the men who burned down Jimmy Beard’s locker room last week.
Backstage, Marc Kingston approaches Wizard. Wizard seems to back up a bit, and then smiles. He extends his hand to Marc. Marc accepts it.
Marc Kingston: Oh, thank god man. I thought you were being serious with that stuff out there.
Wizard: I do want a shot at you, but you are my friend Marc, don’t doubt that. Anyways, I was sort of hoping Trenton would fall into the trap, slip up, and prove himself a liar or a hypocrite. Didn’t pan out quite as well as that though. I hate that bastard.
Marc Kingston: So, we’re good, right?
Marc Kingston: Great then. Just one favour.
Wizard: What is it champ?
Marc Kingston: Can you tell everyone I really did beat you at Night Of a Thousand Stars, that you didn’t lay down for me?
Wizard: Well, yeah, but, I mean, it wasn’t particularly clean.
Marc Kingston: Wha~
Wizard: I’m just playing around Marc. You got it. I’ll straighten this whole thing out. Just you watch.
Wizard pats Kingston on the back and walks off down the hall, apparently to straighten things out.
Rog is stumbling about drunk. He’s in his own zone and he’s obviously not feeling well, constantly vomiting and the like.
Rog: I remember, I remember when it was great, when this felt good. Now, it’s all crap. No direction, no place in this world. I’m all alone and I’m growing more weary as the days fly. I need an escape. I need someone to save me. I need salvation. Free me world, free me from this dreadful place, from this dreadful drink.
Well, not so much from the drink. But come on world, do something about this place./color]
Rog is passed out, once more, in a pool of his own puke, too tired from all the puking, lost in a darkness he can’t escape.
MTH is in a dark room, not emotionally, but rather, just in a dark room with Falconarrow and Mika. The good doctor is explaining to MTH.
Falconarrow: Skiznilly, he’s plotting against you. He’s plotting against me. He’s plotting against Mika. He’s trying to come after all of us. You must understand, we can’t have this. I’m not doing this for control. He is.
You have to see it. Skiznilly is a liar, a hideous bastard. I know, I know, it seems he’s the good guy. It seems he is to be believed. But he’s not. He ratted you out. He will always rat you out. He’s a rat, that’s what he does.
We must destroy Skiznilly. If you do this for me, I will grant you what you have always wanted, freedom. This freedom, you cannot learn it from the men considered “good”, for they are worse than you will ever known. This freedom comes with truth, with passion. Do you understand? We have to destroy Skiznilly.
MTH gives an almost Chewbacca-like wail and seems to believe every word the Falconarrow is feeding him. Whether the good doctor tells the truth, that is yet to be seen.
JF: I don’t like this, I don’t like this one bit.
BS: I love it though.
JF: You’ll also likely love this.
BS: A fatal fourway? Absolutely. Rog, Tonche, Skiznilly, and Average Joe are all already in the ring, and they are ready to go.
Rogerer Vs. Tonche Vs. Skiznilly Vs. Average Joe
There's the bell and we're underway! All four men are just standing in their respective corners staring at each other- kinda like the kids who stand on the wall at prom and watch all the beautiful people have fun while they sit back drinking weak kool-aid and gorging on cookies. But enough about me... it looks like Rog is requesting a time out from the ref, but Joe is having none of it and starts his way towards Rog. He probably wishes he hadn't though, because here comes upchuck #1 from the drunken janitor, landing on Joe's boots. Joe stars cursing at Rog, allowing Tonche to quickly try a schoolboy roll on Joe but a quick kickout before a count is even made. Tonche quickly tries a double leg takedown but catches an axehandle to the back of the neck from Joe's
While those two start at it with each other, Skiz tries to comfort the sick Rog, gaining the sickly one's trust enough to land a quick succession of rights and lefts to the head of Rog. Skiz backs Rog into the corner and starts with an equally quick succession of stomps to the midsection of Rog. Rog turns his head to the outside of the ring and sends another mass of beer, chicken, chorizo, and jujubees to the ring floor. Skiz picks up Rog, only to get the Bloke Poke to the eyes in return, and a quick clothesline take Skiz down to the ground.
On the other side of the ring, Joe now has an advantage over Tonche, with what looks to be a devastating Boston Crab locked on Calibero. On the outside of the ring, we almost feel the fading spirit of Tonche's sensei Tatsuo, though he's kidnapped, held hostage somewhere, imploring a charge to remain strong and bring the fight back, but in another language that I apparently have no idea of. Probably spirit talk.
JF: I bet there's speaking pig Latin.
BS: Pig Latin? Of all the languages in the world, you pick one that's not even a real language? You could have at least said Yiddish.
JF: And you think they're speaking Yiddish?
BS: no, I think they're speaking pig Latin too, but I wanted to be the one who said it. Now can we get back to the match?
Thank you two for the uncanny insight into your vastly empty minds. We get back to action and it seems that Tonche is slowly getting up from the Boston Crab and picking Joe up on his back in the process and WHAM!!! It seems Rog attempted to send Skiznilly into the ropes but actually threw Skiz into the two other opponents causing all three men to essentially cause a nice pileup along the ropes. Skiz gets up and sees Rog quick amble drunkenly towards him and sends him flying over the ropes to the mat with a back body drop. Waiting for Rog to get back on his feet, Skiz runs across the ring, bounces off the ropes, jumps onto the opposite ropes and OH MY GOD!!! SKIZNILLY HAS JUST HIT ONE OF THE SICKEST QUEBRADA DDTS I HAVE EVER WITNESSED WITH THIS NEW PAIR OF EYEGLASSES!!! The crowd is just going bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!! over that last move. But it looks as though the damage may have been two-fold, as Skiz has gotten up with a quaint little hobble to his step. Perhaps he landed on that left knee a little awkwardly.
Skiznilly takes a little breather and we switch focus back into the ring where its now Tonche with the upper hand on Joe as he scoop slams Joe into the ring and springs off the ropes and connects with a leg drop across the throat of Joe. Not letting off the attack, Tonche picks up the staggered Joe and picks him up and holds him vertically for what seems to be days before bringing Joe back from his visit to the lights with a thunderous delayed brainbuster. Absolutely sickening move right there. Sensing the time for a victory, Tonche hooks both legs for the first cover of the night.
The three count is broken up by Skiznilly as he dives to break up the pinfall. Tonche gets up and looks at Skiznilly seemingly looking at Skiz and wondering why he didn't let him pin Joe. The two stare at each other until Skiz decides Tonche isn't his kind of man and connects with a swift kick to the midsection, followed by a knee lift and an elbow to the head of the now fallen Tonche. Seeing Joe start to stir, Skiz picks up Tonche and tosses him outside, right next to Rog who has finally gotten up from a pool of his own nastiness and drunkenly uses a chair to help himself up, and then takes the chair and prepares to use it to his advantage.
Ignoring the referee's warning, Rog turns with the chair and walks straight into a straight martial arts kick from Tonche connecting solidly with Rog's face causing the last remnants of vomit to escape the drunkard's mouth. The ref finally succeeds in wrestling the chair away from Rog and turns around and OH NO!! Skiznilly sent Joe into the corner with an Irish whip only to have Joe run smack dab into the chair, which hit both him and the ref squarely in the head! Goddamn ref bumps... they always lead to trouble.
But Skiz isn't gonna let that possibility ruin his day- he catches the startled AJ and picks him up in his arms. Yes folks, he's setting up for the “'Nilly don't be a hero”, and connect right in the center of the ring. Realizing that time is of the essence, he quickly drags the limp carcass of Joe into the corner and starts climbing to the top AND WHAT'S THIS???? From behind out of nowhere, Mth comes up from behind and shoves Skiznilly off the turnbuckle and back into the ring. Mth steps between the ropes, picks up the stunned Skiznilly and TIP! TIP! TIP! TIP! MTH HAS JUST HIT the TIP ON POOR LITTLE SKIZNILLY!!! WHY OH GAWD WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!
Mth hops out of the ring with what seems to be a look of orgasmic pleasure behind the shredder mask. Poor Skiznilly has been left in the center of the ring, just as it looked like he was about to be victorious in this fatal four way. Now we have two men lifeless in the ring, and two outside
JF: Looks like the carnage has taken its toll on everybody, but I think I see someone stirring about outside the ring there
BS: Exactly my comrade. Looks like Tonche has gained some strength back and now sees the opportunity
Tonche slowly climbs into the ring as the referee slowly comes to, which seems to be perfect timing as the referee starts to stir simultaneously with Tonche crawling over the sprawled-out Skiznilly. The ref makes his way over and
Announcer: And here is your winner, Tonche Calibero!!!!
BS: And look at this man, are those tears of joy swelling up in Tonche's eyes? Is he on his knees crying in celebration?
JF: Well since I know he didn't just get kicked squarely in the nuts, I'd have to confer. But no matter what the reason, we know that Skiznilly is gonna be gunning for Mth very seriously after what just happened moments ago.
BS: I'd say you can say that again, but you wouldn't get the rhetoricalness of it so I'm just gonna cut out.
Wizard is walking backstage, when he runs into Jonathan Severs.
Severs: Hey, Wiz, listen, I heard that you’re just screwing about. That you didn’t really mean what you said about throwing the match against Kingston. That so?
Wizard: Well, pretty much.
Severs: See, that’s a shame, because that means, technically, you haven’t shown me why you ought to be in the main event at Melancholia.
Wizard: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a minute.
Severs: Well, if Kingston beat you clean, then, what can I say?
Wizard: It was hardly clean.
Severs: Then you laid down for him?
Wizard: No, no, that’s not what I mean.
Severs: Well, if you didn’t lay down for him, then it’s clean in my book.
Wizard: Wait, wait. I, I laid down for him. Yeah, it was all for the spotlight. Melancholia, just like I said it was. The big plan.
Severs: Great, that’s great to here. Well, good luck at Melancholia then.
Wizard: Yeah, right…
Wizard walks past Severs, a bit ticked off obviously and Severs picks up his cell phone. Severs makes a call, and this is what he says…
Severs: I’m sorry Marc. Looks like he’s more interested in his shot than he was at your friendship.
The other end of the conversation is cluttered profanities being yelled.
Severs: Fine, fine. It’s all right if you don’t believe me champ. I guess you just need to find out for yourself.
Severs hangs up the cellular phone and shrugs.
Tonche Calibero opens the door to his room. In the center of his room lies an envelope. Tonche approaches the envelope with caution. On it are the words “From Tatsuo”. Tonche opens the envelope. Tonche drops down onto his knees, breaking down almost.
Tonche: Tatsuo! What have I done? What have I done? All for the sake of honor. I know what I must do, but can I? My brother, my father, I, I don’t know what I can do. Please, lord, give me guidance. How can I give this man what he wants? How can I not? Tatsuo…poor Tatsuo. I will save you. I will save you!
Tonche gets to his feet, and almost collapses right back down. He drops the envelope and leaves the room. Out of the envelope roll two testicles, with traditional Eastern tattoos on them, the type Tatsuo would’ve had on his balls. Oh shit…
Sherlock is sitting in an interrogation room with Mit.
Sherlock: I’ll come right out and ask. Did you shoot Skippy Smith?
Sherlock: Stop lying damn it. You know damn well you shot him. I’ve been watching you. I know, I know the type of man you are. You’re pure evil. You’re twisted. You shot Skippy Smith.
Mit: Yes, yes I did.
Sherlock: Damn it! Why do you lie? WHY?! You framed Melv. You made the whole world turn on him, and now, he’s about to get hung. Don’t you care about it? No, of course you don’t. You’ll go on living a lie.
Mit: No, I did it, I’ll tell you why.
Sherlock: Damn it, I know you did it. Just tell me why! Tell me why!
Mit: To get at Melv because I want to shag the arse of that girlfriend of his and she promised, if I got him into prison, I’d get to fuck ‘er, and in the meantime, I get to make a name for myself.
Sherlock: I can see there’s no breaking you. Damn, I’ll have to send you to the therapist for debriefing.
Mit doesn’t know what the fuck is going on as Sherlock opens the door and kicks him out of the room before slamming his hand against the table, quite pissed about this turn of events, unable to get his man.
JF: What a situation. Well, let’s move on, because I feel awkard.
BS: You feel awkward? I feel great.
JF: Why’s that?
BS: This is my piss break.
JF: Well, these guys are in the ring, and ready to fight, but it appears I’m on my own here as it comes to commentary…shit.
RPW Tag Team Titles
Dragon & Tsunami Vs. The Avengers ©
Dragon starts off against Rick Page. Page and Dragon lock up. Dragon gets him with a thumb to the eyes. Page stumbles back. Dragon gets him with a Clothesline, taking him down, slamming the back of his head against the mat. Dragon lifts Page up and whips him into the ropes. Page bounces off the ropes and Dragon nails him with a Spinning Wheel Kick. Dragon lifts Page up again. Page is groggy and Dragon takes advantage, bringing him down with a Hip Toss.
Page struggles back to his feet and gets taken down with a dropkick from Dragon. Dragon smirks as he paces around Page. Page gets to his feet and Dragon leaps at him, taking him down with a running headscissors. Dragon gets to his feet and poses for the crowd. In the meantime though, Page kips up onto his feet and runs at Dragon, who turns around, right into a Flying Forearm from Rick Page. Dragon goes down against the mat.
Page gets to his feet and drops an elbow on the fiery one. Page heads to the corner. He climbs up. Dragon struggles to his feet. Page leaps off the corner. He gets Dragon with a Double Axe Handle. Dragon stumbles back. Page runs at him, but Dragon counters with a desperation Belly to Belly Suplex. Dragon needs to make the tag. Rick Page needs to make a tag. They are going to their corners, dragging themselves closer and closer.
JF: Folks, I got to tell you, I feel shat on that Bobby left for the piss break. This is a great match, really, but I suck at one man commentary.
Dragon tags out to Tsunami. Rick Page tags out to Travis McCoy. McCoy gets into the ring. He runs at Tsunami, but Tsunami grabs him and knocks him down with a head butt. Page gets to his feet, but Tsunami grabs him and nails him with a Choke Toss. Tsunami follows up and takes Page down with a running big boot. Tsunami turns around and takes McCoy down with a Big Boot as well. Page is hurt on the mat, and Tsunami lifts him up. Tsunami tosses Page over the top rope and sets his sights on Travis McCoy.
Travis McCoy is in trouble. Tsunami lifts McCoy up and pulls him in. Tsunami nails Travis McCoy with a Powerbomb. Tsunami lifts McCoy up and roars out as he nails him with another Powerbomb. McCoy’s body is absolutely shattered. Life has been taken away from his years, and years have been taken away from his life. Tsunami pulls McCoy in one last time and goes to give him a Piledriver, but Rick Page comes back into the ring, and leapfrogs over Travis to take Tsunami down with a Cross Body.
Dragon tries to get back to the ring to help his friend, but the referee keeps him back, holding him back. Tsunami is in trouble. He rises up. Rick Page gives him a kick right to the groin! Tsunami kneels down. Page pulls Tsunami in. McCoy joins him and they bring the giant down with a massive Double DDT. That shook the ring. McCoy and Page put the stomps to Tsunami and Dragon is still trying to get into the ring. This is a bad way for Tsunami.
JF: I made a puppet Bobby. He has an erection too…
Page and McCoy hit the double elbow drop on Tsunami. They lift the big man up. Dragon is desperately trying to make it into the ring. Page and McCoy lift Tsunami up. They get him for the Double Suplex! Hot darn! The ring might just collapse here. Page lifts Tsunami up. McCoy pulls him in. Page helps McCoy out. Spiked Piledriver. They land it! McCoy goes for the pin. Tsunami is out. Page runs and takes Dragon off the apron with a cheap shot flying forearm. The referee makes the count. Hell, McCoy manages to get his feet on the ropes…
The Avengers get the cheap win, screwing Dragon & Tsunami out of their shot for gold. Travis McCoy and Rick Page roll out of the ring, and a clearly powerful message there. They will do anything to win, and they don’t care what that happens to be. Nothing is stooping too low for these gentlemen. Dragon calls Tsunami a cunt as the champions celebrate another successful defense and leave up the ramp.
Kid_Roll is in his locker room, talking to Tyson Bell, trying to ge things reasoned out with him.
Kid_Roll: So, listen, if I don’t find the belt, I’m going to have to screw you over. Will you forgive me?
Tyson Bell: No, absolutely not.
Kid_Roll: Please whitey…forgive me. I’m probably going to have to screw you.
Tyson Bell: It’s unforgivable. You’re my brother. We’ll get your RWA title back.
Kid_Roll: We will?
Tyson Bell: Well, you will. Listen man, the way it goes. I’m a champ, I won’t give that up for anything or anyone. If you screw me over, we’re over, we’re through.
Tyson Bell: I’m sorry Kid.
Kid_Roll: Well, I don’t forgive you either!
Kid_Roll still keeps that grimace look on his face, as that of defeat, knowing he must still risk it all here tonight, and decide whether to help his friend or screw him.
Wizard is walking down the hallway when he’s greeted by Bobby Sheenan, coming back from his piss break.
BS: So, you’re going to pussy out and tell the world you didn’t lay down for Kingston after all.
Wizard: No, no, I’m not going to do that.
BS: Oh, thank goodness. That would be a prick’s way out. It’s got to be eating him up inside. I haven’t seen this type of grotesque evil since my younger years, when I was running for Eight Grade Class President, and I proved my best friend Shelly was a slut by revealing all the shitty relationships she’d been in, and saying she’d sucked my dick. It’s brilliant, really. I wouldn’t have expected it from you. Laying down for Kingston. I love it. I never liked that kid much, you know.
Wizard: Hey, um…Bobby, don’t go to heavy on that, me laying down for Kingston thing. It, it…it’s not what really happened.
BS: That’s the genius of it. It doesn’t matter if it really happened. It’s such a brutal thing to do. I don’t see why you’d pussy out now.
Wizard: Well, because…I didn’t just lay down for Kingston. I gave him the lay down of a life time. I laid down for an eternity. Kingston could barely get me for a one count and I made the world believe he stood a chance at beating this legend for the three. Kingston’s a little brash punk, and he’s about to lay low for the letdown come Melancholia. I made a legend, now I’ll break him.
Bobby laughs hysterically, when suddenly, from round the bend comes Marc Kingston.
Marc Kingston: That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it.
Wizard: Hey, what are you doing? Are you spying on me?
Marc Kingston: I was on my way to my match.
Wizard: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Marc, listen, you’ve got to listen to me, all right? I’ll make it right. I’ll make everything work out. I’ll fix this. I promise you.
Marc Kingston: You were supposed to be my friend.
Wizard: I AM YOUR FRIEND! You’ve just got to trust me. I’ll make it right.
Marc Kingston: You’re fucking full of it.
Wizard: Marc, please…
Kingston walks away from Wizard, he just tells Wizard to back off and stay away from him. Obviously, there’s quite a bit of friction between these two.
Rog is still drunk and depressed and starts stumbling around, and gets into his locker room when he runs into a figure. The camera doesn’t focus on the figure. He’s in a part of the room we can’t see, to the left of the doorway.
Rog: What do you want?
Figure: What do I want? I want to see the man that used to be. Before you picked up the mop. Before you stooped so low. Before you started puking. Before you fell in RWF, before you came to RPW.
Rog: It’s too dark. I’m too deep in.
Figure: Are you? All you need is guidance, and a friend.
Rog: I’ll do anything, me.
Figure: That’s the sad part of it.
Rog: What’s that?
Figure: That you would do anything, and now, you need to do something big. Listen to me Rog. There’s a way for you to live again like you ought to. There’s a way for you to escape the darkness and beat this disease.
Rog enters the room and slams the door shut behind him. It looks like something big is about to happen.
Mit is in counseling over the murder of Skippy Smith. Once again, he’s the only one. He’s actually there with Sherlock, who doubles as a therapist.
Sherlock: What are you feeling?
Mit: Well, I killed this guy, and I wanted to get acclaim, but now, nobody’s given me credit.
Sherlock: You want to fuck your mum, don’t you?
Mit: No, really, all I did was kill this guy. Hey, wait, aren’t you the cop?
Sherlock: Double doctrine…erm…degree. I’m a cop and a therapist. It pays the bills.
Mit: If I say I want to fuck my mum, can I go?
Mit: I want to fuck my mom.
Mit leaves the office, absolutely disgusted, and even angrier than before.
BS: If you’ve seen Mit’s mum, you wouldn’t blame him.
JF: Now, for a massive match. The RPW Global Champion against Wildsurf.
BS: Wildsurf of course, the former IRW Champion, and this is certainly a bout to be remembered.
Marc Kingston Vs. Wildsurf
“Sparks” hits and out comes the champion, Marc Kingston to the roar of the crowd. He stands atop the ramp, and obviously, struggles to keep a smile atop his face. He’s felt a certain loss of desire, a hope gone astray in past weeks. Kingston gets into the ring and waits for his opponent. The Foo Fighters play throughout the arena and out comes Wildsurf to tremendous heat. The crowd absolutely abhors him. Wildsurf represents everything that is wrong with the world to many of these fans.
Surf and Kingston stand, face to face in the center of the ring. Surf looks out to the crowd and then quickly gets the cheap shot right hand in on Marc Kingston. Kingston stumbles back and Surf comes after him, bringing him down with a Tornado DDT out of nowhere. Kingston had to hate that shot. Surf waits on Kingston to rise. Kingston struggles up to his feet. Surf nails him with a stiff chop, right across the chest. Surf nails Kingston with another and another, before whipping Kinsgton across the ring. Surf goes to take Kingston down with a Sidewalk Slam and he connects.
Surf is on fire here. He is getting in position. It could be over early here. Kingston is having trouble, but he is getting back to his feet. Surf is calling for it. He just might have it here. Kingston gets to his feet. WILD CUTTER! WILD CUTTER! No! Kingston pushes Surf forward into the ropes. Surf bounces off. Kingston nails a kick to the gut. He’s desperate here! DOUBLE A! DOUBLE A! Kingston nails the desperation move. Both men are down. Here comes Tonche Calibero!
Tonche gets onto the apron. The referee is arguing with him, trying to keep him out. Tonche gets off the apron. The ref administers a count on the two men down in the center of the ring. Tonche takes the opportunity to climb back onto the apron and all the way to the top turnbuckle. Tonche leaps off the top turnbuckle and takes the referee down with a Flying Bulldog. Tonche took out the referee. Surf and Kingston are starting to show signs of life. Tonche has a look of worry on his face.
Kingston rises up the faster of the two. Tonche…Tonche comes after him. Tonche puts his hands on Kingston’s cheeks and tells him he’s sorry, he’s so…so sorry. Tonche pulls Kingston in. He lifts him up. RAGING HEAVEN! RAGING HEAVEN! Tonche destroyed Marc Kingston. Tonche collapses onto his knees, and rolls out of the ring. He heads toward the apron and he seems disgusted with himself. Why did he do it? Surf gets to his feet. He knows he has Kingston now, and he’s smiling. Surf must’ve been in on this. This sick schemer must’ve had something to do with this. Surf now waits on Kingston, showing some sign of life.
Wildsurf waits for Marc Kingston to rise up. Kingston is in a massive bit of trouble. He struggles to his feet. Wildsurf taunts him from behind. Surf is so close that he can taste victory on the tip of his tongue. Surf waits for Kingston to turn around. Kingston turns around, right into it. WILD EDGE! WILD EDGE! Kingston gets blasted with the Wild Edge, and Surf goes for the pin. Tonche Calibero is walking up the ramp, teary eyed, feeling nothing but shame here. He obviously didn’t want to do it, but he had to, for some reason. Surf has the pin, the referee makes the count.
Surf gets it. Tonche Calibero has walked off in shame, but why? Why did he do this for Wildsurf? Why did he help Wildsurf? Surf rolls out of the ring with a sadistic smile. Tonche seems powerless as he leaves to the back. Surf takes his time walking out. He makes his way to the back, finally, and just as soon as he does, out to the top of the ramp comes the Wizard. Wizard makes his way down the ramp and into the ring. Kingston is struggling to his feet. The crowd grows sullen as Wizard helps Kingston up. He lifts Kingston’s arm and the crowd roars. Just then, Wizard gives Kingston a kick to the gut and pulls him in. BLOODY BRICK ROAD! BLOODY BRICK ROAD! Wizard has betrayed Marc Kingston. Wizard has drawn first blood, and he walks out with a grin on his face, some of the crowd cheering, and some silent. The battle’s now begun.
Kid_Roll storms into Morrison’s locker room. Morrison is dressed as Yoda. He’s not sure why.
Kid_Roll: Give me my belt. Please. At least get me out of this jam. You know this is wrong. You know.
Kid_Roll: Well, this was a waste of time then.
Kid_Roll: You’re a dirty hippie bastard and I hope you die and if I don’t get my belt tonight, I’ll kill you and your family. Now, I’m going to play your game, you silly twit. God, I hate hippies.
Kid_Roll storms out of Morrison’s room. Morrison is still dressed as Yoda. He’s still not sure why.
The Wizard is storming backstage with a smile on his face, when he’s met by RPW’s newest interviewer, Frank Stallone.
Wizard: Don’t even bother asking.
Frank: Yo sly! Ey, you scheduled an interview.
Wizard: Right, right. That’s right, I did schedule an interview. What was it? Was it to correct myself and tell the world I didn’t lay down for Kingston? No, it was to tell the world that I can beat Marc Kingston anywhere at any time. I made him look like gold at Night Of A Thousand Stars because I could. I laid down for Kingston. I let him beat me. I’m the better man, and I’ll prove it at Melancholia. Kingston doesn’t stand a chance. His entire career has been filled with guys just letting him have it. We wanted you to shine, Marc, so that when we took your light, we had it all.
Now, I’m going to take your light, and you’re going to love the darkness.
Marc Kingston is a glorified jobber, nothing else unless it’s something less.
Fool you once Kingston, shame on me, fool you twice Kingston, you’re a moron. You should’ve seen it coming. Hell, you probably did, but you couldn’t stop it, could you?
I’m a legend, I’ll always be a legend. I’m the Wizard, and The Wizard destroys all. We were friends once, were we? No, not at all. I played you Kingston. I made them all believe in you. I made you believe in yourself. Why? To make it all the more hell to see it all come crumbling down around you. You’re not a champion, you’re a fraud. That little light of yours, I’m going to make it mine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.
Goodbye my friend, it’s hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
now that the spring is in the air.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time.
Wizard smirks as he walks off and away from Frank Stallone who tries to recall the melody of Seasons in the Sun. Not that he’d be able to sing it.
Melv is sitting at a defense table, Tom Cruise is there with him, as his defense attorney. Katie Holmes is at the witness table.
Tom Cruise: Isn’t it true that Melv never laid a hang on you?
Katie Holmes: No, he beat me all the time.
Tom Cruise: Isn’t it true then, that you liked it?
Katie Holmes: Actually, it hurt pretty badly. But I loved him.
Tom Cruise: Didn’t you hurt yourself?
Katie Holmes: Only to prove my love to him.
Tom Cruise: You have a fucked up relationship. You make for a useless witness.
Katie Holmes: He abused me. He hurt me. I didn’t want to say it, but you got it out of me Mr. Cruise. I didn’t want Melv to do it, but I swear, it wasn’t him…this time. Oh, what am I saying? It was always him…Always!
Katie storms out of the witness chair and runs to the defense table. She kisses Melv goodbye, and then runs off, screaming and crying.
JF: I don’t think Melv is fairing well.
BS: He’s a scoundrel, and absolute scoundrel.
JF: Only Sith think in absolutes.
BS: I am the dark lord!
JF: Well, actually, Kid_Roll is the dark lord and he continues his quest for Morrison’s belt to get back his own tonight.
Kid_Roll Vs. LOR
As we return to the ring, we see Lord of Rainbows inside, readying himself. He’s just about finished hugging his branch when the Canadian National Anthem hits and Kid Underslashy-slashy-slash Roll makes his way out to a chorus of boos and jeers, which he ignores. He’s in the zone. The anti-hippie zone. He hates hippies, he hates them. They it around, smoking ganj, saying they want to improve the world, but all they do is drive around in cars that get shitty mileage. As he enters the ring, LOR takes a quick swing at him, but the veteran manages to duck it, and take the big man down with a hiptoss.
BS: That’s going to be the key here, Roll keeping the big man off his feet.
JF: Yes, it would certainly hurt if LOR were standing on his feet the whole match. He’s a hefty guy, y’know.
Roll keeps the pressure on in the early going, stopping LOR from regaining a vertical base with a variety of stomps and kneedrops. Sensing an opportunity, he turns to taunt the crowd from the turnbuckles. However, LOR is up more quickly than expected, and as Roll turns back to face him, he gets levelled by a BIG clothesline, shifting the momentum in favour of the man the Spanish call y Hippe muy grande.
Fattyfattyfatfat uses his new-found momentum to lift up Roll and plant him (get it, PLANT him, he’s a hippie) with a big spinning sidewalk slam, covering him immediately, but Roll gets his shoulder up just after two. It’ll take more than that to wear a veteran of so many contests down, but given LOR’s power, just how much more than that will it take. LOR goes straight back to work on Roll, picking him up and dropping him down with the feared backdrop of doom. LOR(hey, spell it backwards and that’s ROL!) He’s feeling it now, he’s got an opportunity, and he goes for the Recycler, but Kid_Roll manages to fight out with a low blow unseen by the ref.
JF: You’d think more wrestlers would make the low-blow a regular part of their repertoire.
BS: Whilst effective, it does carry with it no small degree for moral conundrums.
JF: What are morals?
Back inside, Roll is making up for lost time by absolutely obliterating LOR’s legs. He drops a knee to the back of the head, then scarpers quickly up the turnbuckle and….he goes for a big elbow drop!
He hits it! Kid_Roll manages to land a flying elbow right into the small of LOR’s back and the big hippie yells out in pain. Roll merely stalks him on the ground, picks up his legs, crosses them over his own and…..Sharpshooter!!! Roll has the Sharpshooter locked in! This has got to be all over!
JF: But wait, somebody appears to be sprinting down the ramp!
BS: That’s Triple D, one of Roll’s recent casualties. By the looks of things, he’s got a hair, and he’s angry!
As Roll hears the roar from the crowd, he turns around to see the chair-wielding Scot, and promptly high-tails his way out of the ring. The ref bails out to urge him back into the ring whilst Triple D stalks him around from the inside……LOR is stirring now, but his lower back’s shot, and seeing this Triple D helps him up to massive cheers from the crowd.
Cheers, which die before they can properly start after Dave DDTs LOR onto the chair. He slides the chair out of the ring, and nods to Roll, who after a second or two of confusion, leaps back into the ring. He flips LOR’s limp and lifeless body over, locking in the Figure Four, but he’s not even conscious and can do nothing about raising his shoulders from the canvas as the referee count the
BS: Damnit, now that’s just not right!
JF: I’m not quite sure I understand what happened there…..
Kid_Roll is jumping about like a kid with A.D.D. after 8 cans of Red Bull, but his celebrations are cut short when Triple D gets on the House mike, and when he rocks the mike, he rocks the mike right.
DDD: All ye ingrates out there are probably woonderin’ whay ah did wha’ ah did. Well ah’ll keep it shorrrrt an’ sweet for ye. Kid_Rrrrrrroll took me out of prorfeshahnuhl wrrrrrrestlin’, ahn forrrr thaht, ah owe ‘im.
Ye see, in the tayme ah was oot injurrred, ah learned ‘ow ter pleasure meself. An’ auto-fellation ‘as opened up a whole nooooooooooooh worrrrrld ta me, a worrrrrld wherrrre ah don’ haff’ ter’ crrrry meself terrr sleep at nayt because no ladies wan’ a Scotsman. No sirrrreeeeeeee. So forrr that, Kid_Roll, ah thank ye.
BS: What a very bizarre man.
JF: Auto-fellate???? Does that mean he sucks off cars????
Trenton is in the locker room, taping up and getting ready for his match alongside the legendary Aussie Outlaw.
Tylor Trenton: Listen, Aussie, about last week. I want you to know, everything’s resolved. Kid was caught up in his own business, and I can’t say he’s got his head cleared now, but there’s no issue with you.
Aussie_Outlaw: I wouldn’t be worried about it. Be worried about tonight.
Tylor Trenton: Why should I worry about tonight? Didn’t you say you had some sort of insurance policy?
Aussie_Outlaw: Well, in case things didn’t go well.
Tylor Trenton: Right, and what was the insurance policy?
Aussie_Outlaw: We’ll see, won’t we?
Aussie pats Trenton on the back and the two leave their locker room, ready for what will certainly be an all out battle.
Mika is sitting with MTH and Falconarrow, when suddenly, all three of them are disrupted. They are disrupted by gunshots. Not ordinary gunshots through, double barrel shotgun gunshots. Falconarrow grabs MTH and quickly drags him back as they both watch Skiznilly appear, shotgun in his hands. Mika growls at him furiously.
Skiznilly: I am the disease. I am the sickness. This is what you wanted doctor, isn’t it? You wanted me to snap. You wanted your star. Is this what the beast wanted? How bout it Matt? Is this what you wanted? I know it is, you’re terrified, cornered, alone, just like this mutt. You’ve both been suffering, and you let yourselves be fooled. Well, fine, but I won’t play a hero any more. Skiz, Skiz is through.
Mika growls at Skiz and just then, Skiz points his double barrel right at the space between Mika’s eyes and blows his head off.
Skiznilly: That’s…the sickness. That…is a dog of war. This is the war.
Skiznilly shoots at Falconarrow and MTH, but they get out of the way. Skiznilly did as a warning shot. He seems to be losing his cool, a desperate lunatic begging for someone to hear him. Skiznilly killed Mika and he runs out. MTH goes over to Mika and Falconarrow comes after him. Falconarrow pulls MTH away. Falconarrow drags MTH down, and doesn’t let him look. As the cameras pan in though, they see something entirely frightening. Inside of Mika’s head…is electric circuitry. He was a robot!
Melv is on trial and it is Friday now, sitting on the witness stand. Tom Cruise approaches the bench.
Tom Cruise: What was the context of your relationship with my client?
Friday: If you’re asking did we fuck? Yes, yes we did.
Tom Cruise: No, I asked what the context of your relationship was.
Friday: Melv liked to fuck me, and then beat me, over and over again. It was like watching a Liverpool game.
Tom Cruise: Did he ever force you to take it in the rear?
Friday: Yes, plenty. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be his defense lawyer?
Tom Cruise: Yeah, but…it doesn’t look like that’s going to work out.
Friday: Yeah, it doesn’t.
Tom Cruise: Well…thanks.
Melv starts weeping at his defense chair as Friday walks off the stand. This is not going well. One of the jurors actually flung a paper airplane at Melv, and when he opened it up, it says “we know you’re guilty…cunt.”
JF: I hate to see it happen, but I hate Melv too.
BS: I once killed a person.
BS: His name was heart, and I tore him out. Now, onto a game with two big names.
Wizard Vs. Mit
"Before I Forget" by SlipKnot hits and out comes the relative newcomer to the business, Mit. He strides on the stage and looks out to the crowd who boo him because of his comments of late towards the Wizard. He pays them no mind and walks down the ramp and slides into the ring. He poses on the turnbuckles and awaits with a "ready to do battle" look on his face.
"Bury Me In Smoke" by Down hits. The smoke clears and the Wizard has the same emotionless look as he always does, striking fear into his opponents. The fans are booming with activity in the crowd, even though Wizard has done some horrid things tonight, but it's lost upon the Wrath of the Gods. He's focused on one man tonight and he stands in the Wizard's ring. The Wizard slowly makes his way down the ramp and then climbs into the ring real slow like to try and intimidate the young man. Mit, to his credit, isn't showing any signs of weakness and the Wizard stands across from him in the ring, staring him down the whole time.
JF: That cold, creepy stare reminds me of how scared I was when I was a kid.
BS: Aww, the poor JF wetty his pants 'cause he thought the boogie man was in his room?
JF: Can we not start with this tonight and just call one bloody match without your bullcrap?
BS: AHAHAHAHA...good one...oh wait you were serious...
JF: I ought to go see Severs about a pay raise...
The bell rings and the two men stand mere inches from one another. Mit starts talking trash but the Wizard stands silent - he's heard it all before. Mit realizes this isn't fazing the legend and the two men go to lock up. Mit though sidesteps the Wizard and goes behind him looking for an early advantage. He kicks the Wizard in the knee so the Wizard loses his balance a bit and then Mit grabs him around the head and takes him over in a Head Lock Takeover. Wiz goes to counter out of instinct, being technically sound, but Mit taking the initiative, releases the hold and backs off a few paces and smiles. The Wizard gest up and shakes the leg and Mit runs at him again but the Wizard sees it coming and takes him down with a Drop Toe Hold. Wiz runs the ropes and then kicks Mit in the back in the head. Wiz then backs off and lets the rook get back up. The Wiz cracks a faint but still noticeable smirk. Mit seems a bit taken aback but nothing major.
The two men once again lock up and Mit goes behind into a Hammer Lock, Wiz doesn't let him synch it in at all and grabs his ankle and trips Mit up. Wiz then spins around and grabs Mit by the ankle and looking to lock in a leglock but Mit boots him in the face and the Wizard stumbles back into the ropes and comes towards Mit who hits a Discus Lariat. It takes the Wizard down but as soon as Mit gets to his feet, the Wizard is already getting up. Mit wants to make an impact here and put the Wizard away real quick like. He grabs the Wizard and hits the Snap Alabama Sit-out Slam! The Wizard hits the canvas hard as Mit keeps him there and covers...
BS: Mittens is sure taking it to the old scary Boogie man huh?
JF: Knock it off. Yes, MIT, is showing some impressive skills here. A good move bringing him up.
BS: Maybe we should send him back down? Oh man I crack myself up!
JF: I wish we could send you down...down the unemployment office, that would be a nice early birthday present.
BS: Keep dreaming bud.
Mit picks the Wizard up and slaps him across the face. He shakes his head and whips the Wizard into the ropes, but the Wizard comes off and ducks under a Clothesline attempt by Mit and hooks him up from behind and hits a huge German Suplex! Mit hits the canvas hard and Wiz picks him up hoists him up in the air and holds him for a few seconds...then brings him crashing down with Brainbuster Suplex. The tide has turned and Wiz doesn't let the rook get any breathing space as he picks him up and whips him into the turnbuckles. Mits hits them with a heavy thud and The Wizard follows in with a Clothesline. He then spits on his hand and measures him up and hits him with a Chop that is heard throughout the arena. Mit lets out with a cry of pain as Wizard hits another one! And another! And another! Wizard finally backs off admiring his handy work (see what I did there?) and as Mit comes walking towards him, he hooks him in and takes him over with a snap Belly to Belly Suplex. The cover...
No! Mit with the shoulder up.
Wizard, a bit impressed by Mit's fortitude, picks him up and knees him in the back and then proceeds to lock in a Dragon Sleeper. Wizard then wraps his legs around him and pulls him down to the canvas. The move is locked in tightly and Mit has nowhere to go. The fans are yelling for the newcomer to tap. 'Tap, Mit, tap!' they say. The light is starting to fade in Mit's eyes. He is losing consciousness and he has to do something before he is knocked out. He tries to elbow Wizard and get out of it but the legend is having none of it. He takes the desperation blows from Mit and keeps the move locked in. Time's run out of the newcomer and perhaps he will have to eat his words. Mit keeps trying to fire shots into the Wizard's body but his momentum is starting to slow. Slowing, slowing...stopped. His arm falls limp and the ref checks him before lifting his arm...
JF: And it falls once!
BS: This will teach Mit for lipping a real legend. Sad sack.
JF: You don't show anyone respect, do ya? If you were in a dark alley, the only position you'd be in is the fetal...or perhaps bending over for them if you were so inclined to really leave unharmed...
BS: Funny, real funny. And his arm falls a second time.
JF: Better than anything you've come up with tonight.
BS: And it falls THRICE! It's all over...
NO! Mit begins shaking his arm furiously and even the Wizard is a tad impressed. Mit separates the Wizard's leg and loosens the vise-like grip. He then makes his way up and the Wizard gets back to his knees. Mit uses his leg strenght and flips right over and lands behind the Wizard while he is still holding his head! Before the Wizard can react, Mit shoves him into the ropes and the Wizards comes back and runs into a Kitchen Sink! Wiz goes down gripping his stomach and Mit slowly scampers to the ropes and ascends them. He waits for the Wizard to get up and spits on him from up there and leaps...and hits The Onslaught! The Wizard goes down and stays down this time as Mit takes a minute to regain his composure. Once he does he picks the Wizard up and hooks him up and takes him over with a Dragon Suplex! He holds onto the Wizard and takes him over with another Dragon Suplex! Mit takes him up again and hits a third and the Wizard experienced The Deep Sleep! The Wizard is in a bad way here as Mit covers...
NOOOO! Shoulder up!
So close yet so far for the rook. It will take more then that to keep the Wizard down. And Mit knows what will! He picks the Wizard up and hoists him on his back setting him up for The Enlightenment! NO! The Wizard shifts him weight and hits Mit with a hard DDT! Nice counter. Both men take their time getting to their feet but once they do, Mit makes a beeline for the Wizard in hopes to keep him down, but the Wizard takes him over with an Armdrag! Mit gets to his feet and the Wizard picks him up nails him with a couple of hard punches and then lifts him into the air and spins around and hits the Tornadoplex! Mit is brought down hard and the Wizard is once again in firm control. The Wizard runs the ropes and comes back and nails the back of Mit's sore neck with a hard elbow. Wiz gets up and runs the ropes again and this time hits him with an Dropkick to the back of the head. Wiz finally picks him up and whips him into the turnbuckles and Mit comes back out and Wiz hits him with an Oaklahoma Slam and then goes for the pin...
Mit with the foot on the rope!
JF: This is turning into quite the match. I expected Wizard to walk right over Mit.
BS: Oh yeah, like Mit is going to lie down for someone and just let his ass get whooped...bloody idiot.
JF: Whatever the case, Mit is impressive here tonight and could possibly walk out with the victory...
BS: Not the way the match is going now, you bloody need some glasses or something, or did your vision blur over the years from having to look at your butt-ugly wife?
The Wizard picks Mit up once again and hooks him up and hits him with a Neckbreaker. Wizard then starts stomping the hell out of Mit's neck, obviously softening it up for his Bloody Brick Road. The Wizard picks Mit up once again and hits him with a Snapmare Takeover. The Wizard then hits the ropes, and not accustomed to it, the fans begin to murmur in the crowd as something big's going down. The Wizard measures up Mit and leaps off and hits him with a Legdrop from the top rope! Mit starts convulsing in the ring from Wizard bringing all his weight down on him and now's the time. Wizard picks Mit up and kicks him in the gut and puts his head between his legs. He lifts him up and measures him up with the turnbuckles...Bloody Brick Road! No! Mit rakes the eyes of the Wizard! Mit lands on his feet and Mit hits the Wizard with a Lowblow! Mit then rolls the Wizard up and grabs the tights!
The Wizard kicks out!
Mit can't believe it as he believed he stole that one! It's time to end it. He picks the Wizard up and nails a thumb to the eye! He then sets the Wizard up and he goes for it! The Enlightenment! NO! The Wizard uses his weight advantage and uses his power to lands on his feet and uses the hooked arms to lift Mit onto his back and brings him over onto his shoulders! Bloody Brick Road! He connects with it after the nice counter and makes the cover...
Bury Me In Smoke by Down hits as the Wizard celebrates a hard fought victory in the ring. Wait a minute though. There’s Marc Kingston. Kingston has got Cardboard Frost in his hands. Wizard doesn’t see it. Wizard gets planted by Marc Kingston! No! Wizard grabs onto Cardboard Frost. Kingston gets kicked back into the corner. Wizard grabs CBF and rips him apart. Oh my god, he’s killed Cardboard Frost! Kingston runs at Wizard and takes him down with a Gore! Kingston gets to his feet. Kingston explodes at Wizard with shot after shot after shot. Wizard is opened up. Wizard is bleeding. Kingston gives Wizard a kick to the gut. DOUBLE A! DOUBLE A! Wizard is down in the center of the ring. Kingston took the Wizard out, and we can only expect that this is an act thought out on Kingston’s part after everything that’s happened tonight. Kingston gets to his feet, he gathers the broken pieces of Cardboard Frost. Kingston’s lost not one friend, but two here tonight, and he seems to almost be weeping. Kingston drops the broken pieces of Cardboard Frost down and they sprinkle over Wizard. This is the end for the two of them. This is the end of the friendship.
Roll is still looking for the belt, turning over sofa cushions and the like when Triple D approaches him.
Triple D: Hey, thanks again for all your help. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Kid_Roll: You frighten me.
Triple D: Well, I wanted to repay you. I want to help you find your belt.
Kid_Roll: Oh, really?
Triple D: Yep, I’m uber grateful.
Kid_Roll: Maybe it’s on your penis.
Triple D: Let me check…No, not there.
Kid_Roll: I hate you.
Triple D: Point taken. Can I put my head back by my crotch now?
Kid_Roll: Sure, just try not to knock yourself out.
Roll continues his search for the belt as Triple D stuffs his head back into his sweatpants
Melv is sitting fearfully. After long and heavy deliberation, all of three seconds, the jury gets back into their seats.
Judge: How do you find?
Jury: He’s guilty as shit.
Judge: Wonderful. Melv, I sentence you to die by hanging.
Melv: From where?
Judge: The tree outside.
Tom Cruise: That’s cruel and unusual punishment.
Judge: Shut the fuck up.
The judge shoots Tom Cruise and Melv is dragged outside, to the gallows that are that big tree outside. It appears he is set for the hanging. Not too much deliberation there.
Travis McCoy and Rick Page come back to their locker room, with their belts and are all smiles until they open up. Jimmy Beard and Tear Away are inside the locker room, but they soon come storming out, taking out Page and McCoy. Why the betrayal? Beard and Tear Away stand over their former mates and say this:
Tear Away: I always wanted this. Make things right between you and Beard. You’d never see it coming. Then, we’d get vengeance, we’d fight for our boy Beard here, and bring you down. Well, we’ve done it now, we’ve done it. Got you on your backs.
Beard: And now you’re fucked.
Tear Away: So, Avengers, meet the Revengers!
Tear Away and Beard walk off, obviously happy about what they’ve done in forging a new alliance and breaking away from the Avengers.
JF: A huge turn of events there, and now, we move onto another possible highlight of the night.
BS: Four of the biggest stars, three of them the newest stars, all in one ring, and it’s sure to be a hit. It seems Aussie is set to start this one off against Pablo.
Aussie Outlaw & Tylor Trenton Vs. Benzino & Pablo
Aussie Outlaw and Pablo circle around each other. They lock up. Aussie gets the cheap shot Kitchen Sink, and Pablo takes it to gut. Haha, like ‘to heart’, but not. Aussie wrenches Pablo’s arms, but Pablo isn’t about to take that shit. He’s Pablo, he’s the devil baby, baby. Pablo wrenches back and gets Aussie Outlaw with an arm drag. Aussie gets to his feet and shoves Pablo. Pablo explains to Aussie that this is what happens in matches, two people compete, ultimately, with the goal of winning.
Aussie seems to understand, so he gives Pablo another knee to the gut, and wraps his head into a headlock. Aussie comments that it was easy to do because Pablo has a large head which makes Pablito especially angry because his first girlfriend told him that to and so, he blasts Aussie with a Back Suplex to counter. Aussie gets to his feet, and he asks Pablo to run it by him again. Pablo explains the competition thing, and then Trenton yells out gutterslut. Aussie and Pablo turn towards Trenton, and they’re both a bit confused.
Trenton explains that he finally made out what Benzino was mouthing to him. Trenton then shakes his fist, realizing that Benzino called Tylor’s mum a gutterslut. That’s a terrific word. It has poverty and slavery written into it. We’re all guttersluts in our own right. Regardless, Aussie takes advantage of the distraction and this time, rams his knee into Pablo’s back. Aussie rubs his knee. Obviously, it’s a bit tired after having to do most of the work.
Aussie pulls Pablito down and gets him with a Neckbreaker. Pablo grabs his neck in pain as Aussie Outlaw gets to his feet. Aussie Outlaw struts and goes to make the tag out to Trenton, but just as he does, Pablito grabs onto his leg from behind and pulls him into an Achilles Lock. Aussie wasn’t expecting that and he uses his other leg to kick the guttershit out of Pabs’ head. Pablo breaks the hold. Aussie gets to his feet, and Pablo comes after him, going for a Spin Kick, but Aussie grabs the leg.
Pablo follows up, though, and quite exquisitely with the Enziguri. Aussie falls right onto the mat, and struggles back up. Pablo runs at him and nails another Enziguri. This time, Aussie seems to stumble up out of instinct. Pablo goes after him and nails a third Enziguri. Aussie gets to his feet after a short struggle. And then stumbles down as if he had just been hit with another Enziguri, much to the laughter of many in attendance. Pablo goes to make the tag out to Benzino, but Aussie grabs his leg and pulls back on him.
Aussie sweeps out Pablo’s leg. He lifts it up, and slams it down against the mat. Pabs grabs his leg in some serious pain there as Aussie lifts it up, and goes to slam it down again, successfully pulling it off. Pablo twists his leg around and pulls Aussie in, as Aussie’s still holding onto that leg, getting him with a modified Monkey Flip. Aussie was taken by surprise there. Pablo goes once again, to make the tag to Benzino. Benzino wants to be the one to bring Aussie down.
Pablo goes to make the tag out, but Aussie gets him from behind. Aussie latches onto Pablo and goes for a German Suplex. Aussie nails a German Suplex on Pablo. Aussie lifts Pablo up for a second. He connects. No! Pablo lands on his feet, and counters, pulling Aussie up into a Pump Handle position, and bringing him down with the beloved Pump Handle Slam. Tylor Trenton storms the ring, looking to help his partner, but Pablo counters with a Samoan drop. Trenton struggles to his feet. Pablo gets him. Death Valley Driver to Trenton!
Trenton rolls himself out of the ring. Pablo goes to make the tag to Benzino, but Benzino tells Pablo to finish it. He’s got this. Pablo waits for Aussie Outlaw to rise. He is stomping his feet and the crowd is joining him, in unison, making a symphony of boots against the floor. Aussie gets to his feet. Pablo nails Aussie. KURTAIN KALL! KURTAIN KALL! Pablo goes for the pin.
It’s over. Benzino and Pablo pull off the big one. Aussie is struggling up. Trenton goes to attack Pablo, but Aussie stops him and smiles. Aussie just tells Trenton, ‘we got insurance’. Aussie scowls at Benzino, the man who could toppled him come Melancholia in a match that is now officially signed, and Benz snickers back before pulling Pablo out of the ring. The two walk up the ramp and celebrate victory. Aussie tells Trenton, a loss is just a loss. Trenton seems livid.
Kid_Roll continues the search for his belt, walking down the halls, when suddenly, he stops as he passed a sign that says “RWA Belt” with an arrow pointing below. And sure enough, below is the RWA belt with Kid_Roll’s nameplate on it.
Kid_Roll: My precious. My beauty. How I love thee! I gave thee life and now, you’ve returned to me. Yes, yes, yes! But, I’ll continue looking, just for a while, so it wasn’t in the last place I looked. Haha!
Roll grabs his belt and kisses it and then walks away with it, smiling happily. An unbelievably anti-climatic resolve there.
Melv is being tied up. They ask him to climb up the tree. He does so, because he’s got not much to live for now. One bloke gets behind him on the branch. Melv has the noose around his neck. The bloke is ready to push when suddenly, there’s a phone call.
Judge: Oh…oh, it’s me. Hi. What? Your name is Mit. You…you did this. You shot Skippy Smith? So, Melv really isn’t guilty. Well, you suck man. Shit. Guys, you’ve got to let him go.
The bloke goes to get the noose off Melv, but accidentally pushes him off the branch. Luckily the branch snaps and kills three people standing on the ground, Melv not included. Melv is fine after the fall, and he runs off.
Judge: Damn it. Oh, what’s that? Oh, so he really did beat the fuck out of Katie? That was all him. Ah well. It doesn’t matter now. I mean, if he didn’t kill anybody, there’s nothing we can do. It’s not like we protect women from getting the shit beat out of them. We know that sort of thing drives a society. Well, fuck you Mit. But thanks for calling. We won’t be pressing charges. We just wanted a reason to kill Melv and now he’s gotten away. Oh well. Now, to cover up this mess.
Everyone gathers around and drags the bodies away down the street to urn them. Melv, meanwhile, has run off to freedom.
Benzino and Pablo head inside the parking lot. They seem a bit confused and Benzino scratches his head.
Benzino: I left it right here.
Pablo: Well, where is it? You went on another one of your fun rides, didn’t you?
Benzino: No, honest, I didn’t.
Pablo: Well, then, where is it?
Benzino: I…I don’t know.
Pablo: You think somebody stole it?
Pablo and Benzino raise their eyebrows simultaneously as they wonder…who indeed has taken the Nest Mobile?
JF: Who would steal the Nest Mobile? Well, I guess that means it’s time for tonight’s main event.
BS: And what a main event this is going to be.
Last Man Standing
Tyson Bell© Vs. Morrison
“We All Die One Day” by Obie Trice hits and out comes Tyson Bell. The crowd is roaring, some in favour, some against, but all to their highest stance. Tyson Bell is well over in these parts, and you can certainly see why. Bell gets in the ring, hands the ref his Limitless Title and waits on his opponent.
You're still alive!?
Of course I'm still alive!
No one can defeat me!
Tell me what would you do
If no one was here but you
If you could swallow your destiny
And what would you say
If everyone was away
If nobody was listening
You can analyze me
Your words can't pacify me
Get up punk, get up punk
And show you can
Morrison makes his way out to a horde of jeers and cheers from the crowd, just as loud as the reception Tyson Bell received. He gets a chance to be the double champion and there certainly is a heavy bit of intrigue surrounding this bout. Morrison makes his way down the ramp, but as he does, Kid_Roll comes from behind him with the RWA belt, and bashes him, taking him down from behind.
Roll continues the assault on Morrison at the top of the stage, stomping away at him. Morrison starts to struggle up. Tyson Bell leaves the ring and runs up the ramp. Tyson Bell gives Morrison a shot to the back. Kid_Roll gives Morrison a boot to the gut. Kid_Roll pulls Morrison in. ROLLER’S EDGE! ROLLER’S EDGE! Kid_Roll gets it on Morrison.
Tyson Bell lifts Morrison up. He smiles as he pulls Morrison into it. WEST SIDE BONECRUSHER! WEST SIDE BONECRUSHER! Down onto the ramp. The steel against Morrison’s body. Morrison is struggling, trying to get out of there. Bell and Kid_Roll are beating on him, stomping on him as he crawls down the ramp. Roll picks up his belt as Morrison continues crawling, reaching the bottom of the ramp at last. Morrison tries to get to his feet at ringside, but Bell goes to nail him with a shot to the face from that boot of his.
Morrison counters though, with a drop toe hold of all moves sending Tyson Bell head first into the apron. Kid_Roll runs at Morrison, but Morrison counters him with a Spinebuster. Morrison has Kid_Roll set up, he grabs his legs and falls back. Kid_Roll goes flying forward with a slingshot, head first into the steel steps. Tyson Bell is struggling up and he and Kid_Roll walk into a double Clothesline from Morrison.
Morrison slides into the ring. He calls for the microphone. He finally manages to get his hands on a mic as Kid_Roll and Tyson Bell slide into the ring. They get set to go after him, but Morrison yells out at Tyson Bell and Kid_Roll, as he gets the microphone in hand.
Morrison: Fucking back off.
They seem shocked and confused as Morrison puts something in front of him, just hidden in his hand.
Morrison: This match is through. It never happened. I knew you’d screw me over Roll. Screw this match, I don’t want it. I wanted you to screw me over, just to get you out here. See, I didn’t want the Limitless title. I wanted you to see it, one last time.
Roll looks at his RWA belt. Something isn’t right.
Morrison: This, Kid_Roll, is a trigger.
Roll watches Morrison lift what seems to be a hand held trigger of sorts, but like those pen types…for…well, for explosives.
Morrison: That Kid_Roll, is your belt. Can you here it beeping?
Roll throws down the belt, and gets scared shitless as Morrison presses down on the trigger and the belt explodes! Roll got knocked out in the explosion, as did Tyson Bell. Morrison leaves the ring with a smile on his face. He blew up the RWA title. He made it go BAM!
The image is focused on the Nest Mobile. It is out on an empty lot. It looks like it was stolen after all. What’s going on? Holy shit, there’s a bulldozer. It’s coming towards the Nest Mobile. Oh, no, it crushes the Nest Mobile. The Nest Mobile has been demolished. Someone destroyed it, totaled it completely.. But who? Who would be heinous enough to…
Rogerer: All I ever needed, was a little direction in this life. Then, he gave it to me. Aussie, he shined a light. That’s all I ever really wanted.
Oh lord no. Aussie…he got Rog to do this. He got Rog to turn on everyone and pulverized the Nest Mobile up. Aussie gave Rog his freedom, but has Rog escaped the darkness? What’s worse, being an alcoholic, or being Aussie Outlaw’s friend? It seems the insurance has paid off and now, the stakes are as high as ever for the Nest, Aussie Outlaw, and The Rogerer.