The Amateur Football Thread

[Slare]

This has probably been done before, but with a new season starting for many of us in the amateur footballing world, thought this would be a nice wee official thread to keep each other up to date with our teams, results, mad shit that happens, funny stories and all of the usual shit that comes with Saturday and Sunday league football.

Anyway, my team are called EK Milan (we come from East Kilbride). We set up about four years ago but we were fucking shit and only played sporadic friendlies and charity matches. I've spent the last year building up from there and recruiting and the like and I got us accepted into the Glasgow and District Sunday Football Championship, which is a league higher than what Rangers currently play in lolz.

Anyway, we've entered the third division of our set up, but already beat two teams in the second division in our League Cup group stage. If we beat a First Division team on Sunday (or draw for that matter) we finish top of the group and carry ahead to the last 16.

My best mate is a really good graphic designer so we've got a really good online presence at www.ekmilan.co.uk, on twitter @ekmilan, on instagram @ekmilanofficial and on Facebook.

Anyway, what's your teams up to and what are your hopes for the season ahead for you personally, and for your team?

PS here is a squad photo and me being Ashley Cole because I'm so whacky and zany;

http://www.ekmilan.co.uk/images/10461390_1468339000084113_2173066572976405610_n.jp g

[Romford Pele]

What position do you play Slare?

Was in a 5 a side team called The London Badgers in the Battersea Power League until 2010 when I tore my ankle ligament and sadly haven't played competitive football since.

I was last man for us, due to a) my lack of pace and b) the fact i was very one footed and scored about as many John Jensen for Arsenal.

We had a good laugh though, and got promoted to Division 1 a couple of times. One of our team was so gobby to refs. One of the wittiest lines I remember was when he was booked for a foul and the ref asked his name he replied 'Mickey Fucking Mouse' and was promptly sent off :lol:

One of the finest days in our history was two back to back wins in the same night, followed by seeing Abi Tittmus in the Masons Arms afterwards, looking absolute filth. Great days.

[Slare]

What position do you play Slare?

Was in a 5 a side team called The London Badgers in the Battersea Power League until 2010 when I tore my ankle ligament and sadly haven't played competitive football since.

I was last man for us, due to a) my lack of pace and b) the fact i was very one footed and scored about as many John Jensen for Arsenal.

We had a good laugh though, and got promoted to Division 1 a couple of times. One of our team was so gobby to refs. One of the wittiest lines I remember was when he was booked for a foul and the ref asked his name he replied 'Mickey Fucking Mouse' and was promptly sent off :lol:

One of the finest days in our history was two back to back wins in the same night, followed by seeing Abi Tittmus in the Masons Arms afterwards, looking absolute filth. Great days.

Bench mostly.

Nah I used to play left mid when we were really shit because I was the only one with a left foot, as we got better I was getting nowhere near the team and gave up my playing dreams, but since I've been getting fitter I've been getting more of a game in holding mid now. I'm decent in a challenge and a great passer of the ball, I just have absolutely no pace and limited fitness (which is getting there bit by bit).

For me its all about the laugh and having a good time, but things have been getting a lot more serious lately so my banana skin, out the window performances will need to be stamped out pronto. I'm trying really hard though and it gives me goals to work to every week with fitness and performance.

I fucking love a bit of cheek to refs, some of our players have been in the amateur game for ages and the things they get away with with a bit of experience is incredible. We had a player threaten to slash a ref and get his red dropped to a yellow for clarifying that he said 'smash'. I'm not sure how much of a difference that made.

[Romford Pele]

I do not know why these people wanted to be refs - they used to get so much grief from pretty much everyone.

Problem with 5 a side pitches it obviously they are small, so its all one touch or you get smashed into.

[Slare]

Such easy money though, our league supply our refs at a flat rate of £40. We've had one a few times in pre-season who literally turns up, stands in the centre circle for 90 minutes, collects £40 quid and goes home. I've got a mate who will do five games over the weekend, three on a sat (usually 10, 12 and 3 at the same pitch) and two on a Sunday. He's making an extra £200 a weekend for tantamount to fuck all really. I get called a cunt all the time for free really, so I might as well get paid for it lolzzzzzzzzz

[Simon]

Got a game tonight, our last before the season starts on Sunday. Should be a fun one as I've had food poisoning all week :D

Well happy with my start with my new team in pre-season, three goals in four games despite not playing on the wing in anyone. Plenty of room for improvement too as I've not actually played that well in the games so far but have kept popping up with goals.

[Simon]

I do not know why these people wanted to be refs - they used to get so much grief from pretty much everyone.
If you're willing to dedicate yourself to it you can be reffing at a high standard pretty quickly - a guy I play with has been reffing less than a year and has done Conference games and the other day did an U16s game between Arsenal and Chelsea.

[Slare]

Got beat on Sunday. Ended up having to play up front because we had call-offs all over the place. Never got any change out of thier defenders at all. I've got no pace so I was dropping deep to pick up the ball but we were getting pressed so hard and playing five across the middle so we were so congested. They were a good outfit though. We got beat 4-2 but still snuck through to the last 16 of the league cup.

League proper starts on Sunday though. We've not played competitively from anyone in our division yet, theyve all been leagues above us, so im hopeful of a good result. I need new boots though and don't get paid until friday so I'm gonna assume my feet will be fucking killing me on Sunday afternoon.

'mon the Milan.

[Slare]

Got a game tonight, our last before the season starts on Sunday. Should be a fun one as I've had food poisoning all week :D

Well happy with my start with my new team in pre-season, three goals in four games despite not playing on the wing in anyone. Plenty of room for improvement too as I've not actually played that well in the games so far but have kept popping up with goals.

Good luck on Sunday and tonight. Don't poo everywhere.

[Simon]

I managed not to shit myself. Also managed to miss a near-open goal though, as well as hitting the post twice and setting up a goal. Involved.

[Simon]

We got beat 5-1 in both of our games so far this season, albeit against very good sides. It turns out the downside of playing at a club where I'm one of the better players in the team is that it means the team is quite, quite poor.

[Slare]

Hahha great outlook.

We've started well in the league, 4-2 win and a 5-2 win. It's been a little frustrating though because the teams we've played have been fucking toilet and we should be putting double figures past them, but we seem to drop a gear against shit teams and play better against better teams. There are three teams in our league (including ourselves) that look a cut above the rest, but the other two have racked up 9 and 10 goal wins.
Very early days yet but it could be coming down to goal difference.

On a personal note, I play holding midfield and it has been very boring against teams that are doing fuck all. I played 70 mins the first week, but only came on for 25 on Sunday there because we were playing our more attacking, technical, "actually good at football" players.

Still, two wins and inot the last 16 of the league cup is an ideal start.

PS. We played against a GAY team on Sunday. Cue childish giggling every time "I need someone in behind me", "get tight on him", "get right up his arse" or anything like that was shouted. Amateur football.

[turdpower]

I don't play in a team just two different 6 a side games each week (Although I can count on one hand the amount off 6 vs 6 we have had. 3 vs 3 was the worst, 5 on 4 tonight), I think I prefer that to the "team thing" - I can't be arsed playing against cunts.

I used to play in teams before and I've seen so many fights, broken noses, and a broken pelvis that it just got too much - this was not fun.

[Simon]

On Sunday our centre back was headbutted five times in quick succession with no retaliation and no provocation. In time honoured tradition the referee booked both of them :D

[Slare]

Our league is unusually strict with that sort of thing so you tend to find its all played in a decent manner. One of our players got sent off in a pre-season game for calling the ref a "fuckin specky hot-dog", so they don't fuck about.

[Slare]

UPDATE:


11 games into the season and were doing pretty decent.

We're in the Semi Finals of our league cup, which is decent being in the 4th tier of the set up, putting out 2 1st division clubs along the way.

In the league we've won 4 and lost 3. The 3 losses have been to very strong teams, but we were fucking shit too. Won 11-0 last week though to get back on track, got 20 minutes which was nice because wrestling training has been getting in the way of playing, first assist of the season with a LETHAL cross against a team who were 9-0 down and not giving a fuck.

FOOTBALL

[Simon]

We are bottom of the bottom division in East Sussex, the 60th best team out of 60 :headbang:

http://www.sundayleague.info/pages/tables.html

Made my debut for the firsts a couple of weeks ago (they are top of division 3 and have won every match, cos they're packed with county standard players and a couple of Ryman lads) and had a good impact - set up one goal in a 20-minute cameo and could well have scored at least a couple with a bit of luck, very unlucky with two efforts and missed one other decent chance.

Still just about clinging onto my record of finishing on the top scorers list for each of the last five years...might not last much longer though :D

http://www.sundayleague.info/pages/topscorers.html

[turdpower]

What verbal "ticks" do you find players you play with have? I'm talking about phrases or sayings you've either only heard one person say or that one person says a lot.

I used to play with a guy who would shout "winners winners" every time the ball was in the air and someone went up for a header.

I currently play with a guy who says "You're in, YOU ARE IN" when you aren't in on goal (sometimes you might be in but this is rare) it's normally when you've just taken on one person in the middle of the pitch.

Also, I'm absolutely convinced most people do not understand or know the proper meaning of "and again" some people just think that translates as "pass to me".

[Rip]

I played with a lad who shouted 'OUT!' at bizarre times, he was a huge centre half and would wander up for corners now and again then scream 'OUT!' while throwing himself at the ball, there were times I'd be in the middle of the park with the ball in a load of space looking to start something and his booming 'OUT!' would scare me into aimlessly smashing the ball downfield, followed by him bitching about me having time. That was his other one, 'TIME!' you never knew if he meant you had loads or none.

[Simon]

I was captain of a team for the first time ever today, we lost 3-2 but frankly that is a good result given our record this season. I scored both, first was a lovely little back heel flick from close range. Second was the world's shittest penalty that crept past the keeper after I was tripped in the area. Really enjoyed the responsibility and feel like we are gradually making headway despite another defeat.

[Slare]

Good stuff.

We won 6-2 at the weekend there, third win on the bounce after a bit of shakey form. Got what should be a routine win on Sunday coming in the league, then the biggest game in our history next week, taking on the best team in our full set up in our league cup semi final. I fancy it.

[Rip]

http://www.punditarena.com/football/english-football/rbarrett/19-guys-you-always-see-at-five-a-side/

I'm #8 and proud of it :D

[Slare]

Dunno if any of the Scottish boys have seen this but this has been an interesting week for us;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-30327657

http://glasgow.stv.tv/articles/302194-ek-milan-gain-support-from-hulk-hogan-and-other-celebs-on-twitter/?fromstreampost=189075

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/hulk-hogan-fonz-send-good-4745189

http://www.101greatgoals.com/blog/social/scottish-sunday-league-side-ek-milan-find-support-from-hulk-hogan-and-the-fonz/

I'm going on the tele tonight to talk about it too. But yeah, got into the final after coming back from 3-1 down against the top of our Premier Division with 20 to go and winning on penalties. Started tweeting celebs asking for backing and we've become a national news story this week.

I was on PAGE 3 of the Scottish Sun yesteday (it had three tits on it this time tee hee lolz)

[Simon]

Hahaha nice work.

I probably should have mentioned before but our team's match reports go up on the local county side's website.

Most recent game was this, we beat the league leaders 6-2 with the help of a couple of our first team players. We've won twice all season, against the top two teams - that's how good our first team players are :D

http://hassocksfc.net/fatboys/match/reports/14-11-30.htm

All other match reports here:

http://hassocksfc.net/fatboys/match/2ndmatch.htm

[Hlebsfall]

I don't think I mentioned it, but I got a run out for FC Romania a couple of months back. It was in some shitty league cup game they didn't care about. First ever English player, debut and retirement all in one game. I can retire knowing that I played for a side 3 leagues below Conference North/South

https://twitter.com/FCRomania/status/512307795316994049?s=09

[Slare]

Lets all have a bit football circle wank then

[MikeHunt]

I saw the Ek stuff posted by some of my mates from that neck of the woods. Gary Barlow is now an even bigger tit to me for this. Thanks slare.

[Simon]

I don't think I mentioned it, but I got a run out for FC Romania a couple of months back. It was in some shitty league cup game they didn't care about. First ever English player, debut and retirement all in one game. I can retire knowing that I played for a side 3 leagues below Conference North/South

https://twitter.com/FCRomania/status/512307795316994049?s=09

How did you get on personally? I've played a handful of games for our first team which is mostly county Prem players (same level as FC Romania according to the English football league system wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_football_league_system#Structure) and it's just a different world. They can do things with the ball under huge pressure that I couldn't do if I was the only person on the pitch. I thought I was a good player until I played alongside these lads. Too quick, too strong, too technical, too determined, too good. Funnily enough the one that's played the highest standard (Ryman league, two above Romania) isn't actually that good, just incredibly strong and aggressive.

[Slare]

The Gary Barlow one was a fake btw, we put it up ages ago for a laugh before all this kicked off and the Sun picked it up without saying to us, we told all the other outlets it wa a photoshop and took it down. Lazy journalism from the Sun obv. . The HULK HOGAN one is real though.

[MikeHunt]

Sad I always like another reason to hate.

chairman of the board Gary Henderson.

[Slare]

Chairman is a looe translation of "I wash the kits and take the money but arent good enough to play"

[Clive Plasma]

When people play 6-a-sides after work, if you do, what tends to be the average goals scored in a game? Are they always so ridiculously high?

I've often wondered if it was just the standard of players I surround myself with that always results in a 20+ goal game.

Just got back from Brixton tonight, and nobody was particularly bad or untouchable, we had decent keepers, and it was still 10-8 overall.

[The Rosk]

Do you play in the goals over the road from the station?

[Clive Plasma]

Yep, on the 3G pitches. Not in a league or anything, just with work people.

[The Rosk]

They're pretty wide goals aren't they if I recall? Also work people don't really give a shit as much I find which makes it easier to score.

I wouldn't worry about it Clive. You can still make it.

[The Rosk]

I used to play there for a team and it was usually four or five goals a game I'd suggest. Competitive games usually makes the difference.

[Clive Plasma]

Wide and low goals - yeah. A near impossible task for a keeper.

I'll never make it, I just think it's absurd when the goal count gets that high. It should never get to a stage when you lose track of what the score is.

Playing in the league over at Chiswick next week too. When I played there a few weeks back I played against Ben Shepherd.

And I've played against Dermot O'Leary on the Brixton pitches before.

Seems that ITV presenters love a bit of 6-a-side.

[The Rosk]

Hahahaaa, I've played against Dermot too. Small world.

[Clive Plasma]

Small world indeed. Sure you didn't play down there tonight? There was some lad walking around with a trophy type thing, I couldn't make out if it said 'Powerplay' or 'POTTY' on it - my glasses were fucked from the rain, I assume you carry it round with you most places, but it could've been either.

[Simon]

Me and my mates just started our old Pitch Invasion 5-a-side team back up after a two year absence. We were, somehow, national record holders for a while in our first run because we won our first 24 games (despite not actually being that great)...but starting up a new team meant we got put back in the bottom league. Had our first game on Wednesday against a bunch of 16 year olds and won 16-1...it's pretty shit the first couple of months until you get to a competitive standard because you're stuck between either absolutely battering teams (no exaggeration we could have had 30 last night and we were taking it easy on them) or easing off and seeming like you're just taking the piss.

Oh also - good news lads, the mighty Hassocks Fatboys Reserves are no longer the worst team in Sussex! After four wins on the spin, we've now reached the giddy heights of being the fourth worst team in Sussex :cool:

Here are a few photos from Sunday, me looking every inch the technical expert.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10991199_775987845829236_221341642473012831_n.jpg? oh=70e26659375f2ee33150ad933bf38bac&oe=55844224&__gda__=1430874815_c2185cd8c12ae25845caee350687cbb 0

https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10991347_775988209162533_556621228180285139_n.jpg? oh=2fe0274365ccd761b98205f9cc5de49d&oe=55493E67

https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10387398_775988572495830_5905864858950382453_n.jpg ?oh=cb3e5f8ba196c894da11a7184f3927ba&oe=5585F167

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10928865_775988802495807_6285502786704555694_n.jpg ?oh=0db36d3b965f76806d52c898ce897dee&oe=5550F300&__gda__=1431323320_084dc111435b0b020ae66c819a73402 2

https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1380196_775988935829127_6785617971812906330_n.jpg? oh=0b633acebf94d1010013f8b26f5ab06f&oe=55561D57

[The Rosk]

https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1380196_775988935829127_6785617971812906330_n.jpg? oh=0b633acebf94d1010013f8b26f5ab06f&oe=55561D57

:lol:

[Mik]

I had been in stunning form at the start of the season scoring something like 23 goals in 8 games...but since then I've become crap and now can't run at all. I think I've gone Torres.

[Reech]

I just bought a pair of these: http://www.prodirectsoccer.com/products/adidas-Football-Boots-adidas-F10-Messi-TRX-Turf-Astro-Turf-Soccer-Cleats-Running-WhiteBlackSolar-Slime-68508.aspx?spr=1

And am joining the local village football club (we moved out of Cambridge a few months ago).

Forgot my point, any tips for grass football? I generally find myself really unfit when running on grass even though I'm the most fit at indoor/astro. And thus, my entire game is utter toss.

[Simon]

:lol:

If ever a photo summed up a life :ashamed:

[Simon]

I just bought a pair of these: http://www.prodirectsoccer.com/products/adidas-Football-Boots-adidas-F10-Messi-TRX-Turf-Astro-Turf-Soccer-Cleats-Running-WhiteBlackSolar-Slime-68508.aspx?spr=1



FFFFFFFFFFUCK OFF!

[Reech]

What's wrong with them? They're beautiful.

[Simon]

I can't say much mine are rascal. But I can't be having neon.

[Reech]

They look much better than the pink mercurials, give me a break.

[turdpower]

When people play 6-a-sides after work, if you do, what tends to be the average goals scored in a game? Are they always so ridiculously high?

I've often wondered if it was just the standard of players I surround myself with that always results in a 20+ goal game.

Just got back from Brixton tonight, and nobody was particularly bad or untouchable, we had decent keepers, and it was still 10-8 overall.

It's normally first to 10 and we start again, which happens most weeks.

Although I think I can count on one hand how many times we actually get 12 people turn up, it ranges from 7 to 15 regularly. And it also ranges in skill/style quite dramatically.

[The Rosk]

:lol:


If ever a photo summed up a life :ashamed:

I genuinely think that's one of the funniest photos I've seen on here... ever.

[Simon]

The fact that it's blurred makes it even better, like it's symbolising my life fading away in front of your eyes. Rather than just shit photography.

[The Rosk]

No you're making it less funny. Shut up.

[Simon]

Me and my mates just started our old Pitch Invasion 5-a-side team[...]Had our first game on Wednesday against a bunch of 16 year olds and won 16-1...


For the second time inside a couple of years we broke a national Pitch Invasion record :lol: this was the biggest win in the country during the past season.

[Reech]

I scored some lovely goals in my rainbow Messi boots last night. None of them intentional. Bargain at £29.

[Simon]

Just looked at them again. So bad. I'm glad you're back Reech but for fuck's sake.

[Lagom]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=662174290555427

Did a little score of the winning goal in a top of the table clash yesterday, with a conveniently placed GoPro capturing it in all it's (limited) glory.

I remembered after being mobbed that the camera was there, so gave it a little wave at the end. :wave:

[Reech]

Just looked at them again. So bad. I'm glad you're back Reech but for fuck's sake.

That was pretty much the exact quote from all the guys at football on Thursday.

[Reech]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=662174290555427

Did a little score of the winning goal in a top of the table clash yesterday, with a conveniently placed GoPro capturing it in all it's (limited) glory.

I remembered after being mobbed that the camera was there, so gave it a little wave at the end. :wave:

Had the other team not heard of marking?

[Lagom]

What's marking?

[Simon]

Great finish, that goalpost cam is a great idea :D

[Simon]

Scored my first hat trick in God knows how long yesterday. Hammered one into the top corner in the first thirty seconds, then played pretty shit but scored a couple of tap-ins. Well happy with the way this season has turned out personally, I'm now fourth top scorer in the league despite us being towards the bottom :yes:

[The Rosk]

https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1380196_775988935829127_6785617971812906330_n.jpg? oh=0b633acebf94d1010013f8b26f5ab06f&oe=55561D57

:lol:

[Simon]

:cool:

[Lagom]

I can almost see Partridge drumming along to Return of the Saint in the background there.

[The Rosk]

It's honestly one of the funniest pictures I have ever seen. There is so much that is funny about that picture.

[Clive Plasma]

Had the other team not heard of marking?

Or tackling. Nobody went near you for the ball.

[Reech]

Company joined a Cambs FA "Inter-firm Flexi-league" for the summer. First games were on Tuesday.

We won the first game 5-3 (being 3-1 down) and I scored the first 4 goals. Look at this lanky fucker in dark blue (with the horrendous boots Simon):

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11091486_877617822294729_8324826148417197527_n.jpg ?oh=8adae0f033a2ab1d6028f9122fa09693&oe=559872C2&__gda__=1436159774_60ab3875d7ca77f09a06ef5d45bee9c d

[Simon]

Anyone still playing? This is a purely self-involved bump because pre-season's going pretty fucking well lads, six goals in 140 minutes across three games so far :cool:

Also I didn't realise but our team's stats have been kept updated over the past few years since I joined, I average almost exactly a goal every two games, which I believe is the generally accepted criteria for a top-class striker. Albeit a top-class striker playing for the Hassocks Fatboys Reserves in the bottom league in my county.

http://hassocksfc.net/fatboys/index.htm

[Simon]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYV6IvMldXs&feature=youtu.be

Footage from a pre-season training match. Including an own goal by me around 2m20s :mad:

[Peter Griffin]

Good effort, Not quite up to Jonny Russell standards mind ;)

[Simon]

I didn't even realise when I first watched it but I did the Charlie Brown sad walk afterwards