Charlie Brooker

[Simon]

We need an official thread which can be bumped weekly or whenever anyone reads one of his columns and finds something funny. Or perhaps post your favourite Brooker moments from the past, be it a column he wrote or one of his TV shows.

Making this now because his latest Screen Burn in the Guardian Guide has an absolute blinder:

"I'm in the habit of vocalising whatever I'm thinking. Unfortunately, 99% of the time I'm thinking something dull[...]I'm a chuntering, monotone DVD commentary made flesh. But now and then, thanks to the law of averages, something interesting pops out, all weird and wonderful. I was once watching a documentary on prostitution at a friend's house: onscreen, some downtrodden sex worker was blubbing about how many men she had to service on an average day and I instinctively whistled and said "phew, her fanny must look like someone punched a hole in the side of a hairy cow".

Ahahahahaaaaaaa :rofl: what a legend. This topic might well end up only involving me and Kris because the rest of you commoners don't read a proper newspaper like we do, but I don't care because BROOKER IS MY HERO.

[JIJ]

The Guardian?!

Turn it in mate.

[eldanielfire]

I wouldn't call the Guardian a propper newspaper mate.

A Lib dems advertisement or a load of steaming pot of bile about anything not "kewl", fashionable and shallow but not a propper newspaper.

[Simon]

I'd expect that sort of nonsense from someone who can't spell proper.

[JIJ]

:lol:

[eldanielfire]

I'd expect that sort of nonsense from someone who can't spell proper.

You read the guardian mate. The paper with the most awards for the poor quality of spelling dispite editors. I'm typing on an internet message board without a second glance at whats posted up.

Read the times and then come back.

[Hulkamaniac]

You read the guardian mate. The paper with the most awards for the poor quality of spelling dispite editors. I'm typing on an internet message board without a second glance at whats posted up.

Read the times and then come back.

Why is it that when someone else insults spelling, its almost always with a spelling error of their own?

It's like a circle of shit. 'Despite'.

[Alf]

Charlie Brooker is a legend.

That hairy cow comment had me nearly shitting myself.

[Simon]

On a similar note, Alexis Petridis' attack on Paris Hilton's debut album was fantastic I'll see if I can track it down. But for now stick to Brooker, cunts.

[Sam]

Wow, so this must be what it's like for you Europeans when you check out our news site

I have absolutely NO idea what you people are talking about.

I'm really looking forward to learning a lot around here. :cheers:

[Simon]

Oh Brother Why Art Thou?

Charlie Brooker
Saturday June 4, 2005
The Guardian

Stock characters ... the latest batch of Big Brother 'housemates'

When I first read about olde-worlde scoundrels being "put in the stocks", it struck me as a quaint and toothless sort of punishment. Further reading proved me wrong. The locals didn't just lob the odd rotten tomato at you - they hurled rocks. They urinated in your face. They pulled your trousers down and performed vile-but-darkly-hilarious experiments with your rear end. Spend 48 hours in the stocks, and there was a pretty good chance you'd die, with a face like a popped blister and a rolling pin blocking your exit.

Which brings me to Big Brother (tonight, 9.25pm, C4). Anyone volunteering to take part is surely the present-day equivalent of a medieval lunatic willingly locking himself in the stocks and inviting the world to do its worst. The viewers represent ale-sodden sadists only too pleased to oblige, while the producers are canny tradesmen standing at the side, selling shit-encrusted rocks for them to throw. And since I'm about to pile more abuse on top, what does that make me? Worse than the village idiot. No one's coming out of this well.

Anyway, if you sketched a diagram denoting the exponential growth of contestant idiocy levels throughout Big Brother history, you'd start low, run out of space at the top during series five, and scrawl demented swirls all over the page by the start of series six. Because this lot scarcely qualify as fully sentient humans - they're people-shaped amoebas existing on raw narcissism.

Take Anthony, the present-day equivalent of the utilitarian android gigolo played by Jude Law in Spielberg's AI, right down to the fibreglass eyebrows. Anthony achieved a BB first by turning the crowd against him before he'd even entered the house: he spent so long jigging, twirling, posing and preening during the brief car-to-door stroll, the crowd's initial cheering rapidly evolved into a chant of "wanker, wanker" held aloft on a carpet of boos. It was like watching Tony Blair's eight-year fall from public favour distilled into 90 seconds.

Then there's Lesley, who donned a PVC nurse's outfit that afforded us a gruesome peek up her arse on her way into the house (another great BB first) shortly before baring her gargantuan breasts in the plunge pool. This delighted the witless Maxwell, a norf Lahnden bozo best described as the human equivalent of a clipping from Nuts magazine bobbing in a fetid urinal.

At the time of writing, Maxwell has designs on Sam, a slightly less skeletal version of Calista Flockhart, who spent most of her audition tape outlining what a strong, independent, hot-pant-wearing sexbomb she is. In practice, however, she's little more than a slightly pretty, self-regarding plastic peg.

Worse still, she fancies Anthony: by the time you read this, they'll probably be going at it hammer-and-tongs in the diary room, while viewers text in whoops of encouragement.

Other notable inmates include Makosi, a woman with the head and worldview of a plastic doll, and Roberto, an Italian with a face like a cartoon sketch of a foolish horse.
The most foolish horse of all, though, is Science. That's not his real name. His real name's Kieran. Science is his "street name". His "screen name" is Prick.

Science seems to spend 70% of his time shouting at Kemal (cross-dressing Leo Sayer lookalike), and the remaining 30% shouting at everyone else - shouting about how no one but him understands what it's like "in the hood" (which is rather unfair on Nookie Bear-eyed white witch Mary, who entered the house wearing a hood so huge she literally couldn't see which way she was going).

Still, you can't fault Science's intentions. He's not there to get his mug on the box - no. He's there to "represent the ghetto", which, if he's genuinely representative, is full of pretentious hotheads throwing juvenile tantrums when they don't get salad cream with their fish fingers.

Big Brother 6, then: simultaneously more AND less sophisticated than the brutal stocks of yore. Pass the mouldy turnips.

:rofl:

Best bits:

"Maxwell, a norf Lahnden bozo best described as the human equivalent of a clipping from Nuts magazine bobbing in a fetid urinal."

"Roberto, an Italian with a face like a cartoon sketch of a foolish horse."

"The most foolish horse of all, though, is Science. That's not his real name. His real name's Kieran. Science is his "street name". His "screen name" is Prick."

:rofl:

[Simon]

Supposing ... Snipers were brought in to shoot smokers

Charlie Brooker
Friday February 17, 2006
The Guardian

I wholeheartedly support the notion of banning smoking everywhere, for one entirely selfish reason: I've recently quit and don't want to be tempted to start again. If no one else lights up around me, I won't follow suit. Which means I'll live longer. And that's all I care about. Sod freedom of choice for smokers. Sod their poxy so-called "human rights". This is me we're talking about here. ME.

Mind you, I'm not convinced a simple ban is going to cut it. I've got a far better idea - one that's firm, fair and pretty much final. It's based on a scheme I originally conceived as an alternative to London's congestion charge, and I offer it now, to the nation, free of charge.

Article continues
OK, so the congestion charge was supposed to reduce the number of cars in central London. Trouble is, it's far too complicated. There's cameras and traffic zones and text-message payment systems and blah blah blah. It costs a fortune. And you'd get better results if you replaced the whole thing with a sniper.

Yes, a sniper. Here's how it works: instead of charging people to drive through busy parts of town, you simply announce that you've paid a lone sniper to sneak around the city, hiding out on rooftops. Every month he'll blow the heads off several random motorists: a maximum of 10, say, and a minimum of five. You're free to drive where you like, as often as you please - but you're taking a calculated risk each time you do so.

You'd announce the scheme, and at first no one would believe you were serious. Indeed, you'd trade on that: perhaps nothing happens for the first couple of days. People carry on as normal. Then on day three: BAM BAM BAM. The sniper takes out not one, but THREE separate motorists, in different parts of the city. Shock, horror. Front-page news. Everyone's petrified. And the mayor simply goes on TV, shrugs his shoulders and says: "I told you so."

Bingo. You're looking at a reduction in traffic of at least 40%, overnight. Problem solved. And whenever people start getting complacent, you simply instruct the sniper to whack a celebrity or two, just to keep the story in the public eye.

Flawless. Yet the cretins in charge never tried it. Now they've got a second chance. They can use it to end smoking.

We'll need more than one sniper, of course, because we're covering the entire country. And they won't just be stationed on rooftops; they'll be going undercover, like Jack Bauer - following people into bars, pumping lead into their backs when they request change for the fag machine (we wouldn't ban fag machines - they're bait).

And we don't want any perceived "safe places" either. In the very first week, we should make a point of blasting the crap out of someone sparking up in a tent in the middle of Cumbria or something. Smokers need to realise there's nowhere to hide.

Let's change the warnings on the packs while we're about it. None of this wussy "Smoking Causes Cancer" nonsense. Just a sniper, in silhouette, and the words "HE IS WATCHING".

And once we're done with the smokers, we'll start on the fatties. That's right, blobster, I can see you. Just try reaching for that doughnut. Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

[Simon]

Christ almighty. Hellzapoppin'. Where on God's Earth do you start? Big Brother (C4, E4, daily) has shovelled some berks our way in the past, but this time - for round seven - they're using nuclear-powered shovels and berks the size of hills. It shouldn't be possible, but clearly it somehow is.

By now, everyone in Europe will be aware that one housemate has stood out for all the wrong reasons: I speak, obviously, of Shahbaz. Shahbaz - a children's party entertainer created in a madman's laboratory, set loose on the world minus an "off" switch. Shabaz - an episode of Crackerjack with an erection down its shorts, running, sobbing and shrieking, right in your direction. Shahbaz the Allfrighty. Fear him. Pity him. Just for God's sake don't encourage him.

Shahbaz spent his first few days in the hellhouse bouncing round the linoleum shrieking, blubbing, squealing and bear-hugging anyone within grasping distance. That was disturbing enough. But when, for some mad reason, this failed to win anyone over, he really went into meltdown - deliberately provoking arguments then playing the victim: behaviour that's not so much attention-seeking as attention-kidnapping. By the time you read this he'll be conducting a dirty protest in tears - and all because he just wants to be loved. Unsettling in a none-too-entertaining way, he should've been pulled out days ago, and unless he's an actor, I fear for his stability following the inevitable eviction. Here's hoping for a soft landing and a happier tomorrow.

Of course, there's one bit of knowledge Shahbaz can comfort himself with: whatever his faults, at least he isn't Sezer. Sezer: yuk. Just what we need on our screens: a pint-sized, pixel-eyed, monotone, priapic, hair-gelled rodent, so in love with himself he probably masturbates to videos of himself masturbating. And it's misplaced adoration, because sculpted torso aside, he's got precisely nothing going for him. He'll never say anything you haven't heard expressed by someone less objectionable before. There are a million identical dullards in the capital alone - hurl a bag of shit into any bar in central London and the chances are it'll burst over four or five of them. (Footnote: infuriatingly, at the time of writing, Tuesday morning, Sezer has behaved entirely reasonably for a full 24 hours. If he doesn't start pissing me off again, I'll have to revise my kneejerk opinion of him. And that would never do.)

Most of the remainder are relatively dull. There's Mikey (sexist Vernon Kay/Owen Wilson cross-splice whose punchably dumb face probably adorns the banknotes in Thickland); George (near-silent posho with the head of an Easter Island statue and a severe case of Portillo lips); Nikki (spoiled chimpette who throws tantrums like Geoff Capes throws fenceposts) and Grace (skinny dance instructor apparently played by Peaches Geldof).

Who else? Think hard now. You can do it. Ah yes: Lea (planet-boobed sometime pornstar who's surgically enhanced her way out of the human race altogether - she now resembles Samantha Janus as described by a lunatic); Dawn (an "exercise scientist" who believes in chakras - so not a scientist at all then); Imogen (cute but flavourless; a passable human vacuum in a thong) and Richard (catty Right Said Fred diplomat clearly doomed to spend the rest of his natural life lifting heavy objects on daytime DIY makeover shows). Apparently, there are two others, called Bonnie and Glyn. But I don't think they've been on camera yet. Still it's not all bad news. Lisa (Lucy Liu channelling the spirit of Bez), for instance, is vaguely tolerable.

But the clear victor, by 10 country miles, is Pete - the Tourette's sufferer whose frequent uncontrollable spasms turn him into a cross between Rik from the Young Ones, Keyop from Battle of the Planets, a Tex Avery cartoon wolf, and Klunk, the chirruping inventor from Dastardly And Muttley In Their Flying Machines. Funny, charming, intelligent, talented, modest and utterly even-handed, he's by far the most likable contestant in the programme's lengthening history. And if he doesn't win, I'll eat Shahbaz.

[JIJ]

The Science bit was funny.

[Simon]

Rejoice! Thanks to the national obsession with football, the cross of St George has finally been reclaimed from the racists. Nowadays, when you see an England flag on a car, sprawled across a T-shirt, or flapping from a novelty hat, you no longer assume the owner is a dot-brained xenophobe. Instead you assume he's just an idiot. And you're right. He is.

It's a great piece of visual shorthand. Imagine the outcry if government passed a law requiring the nation's dimbos to wear dunce's caps in public. No one would stand for it. There'd be acres of newsprint comparing Blair and co to the Nazis. We'd see rioting in the streets - badly organised rioting with a lot of mis-spelled placards, but rioting nonetheless.

Instead, every numbskull in the land is queuing up to voluntarily brand themselves. They even pay for the privilege! As brilliant ruses go, it's the most brilliant, rusiest ruse you could wish for. I can't wait for stage two, when they're persuaded to neuter themselves with safety scissors.

The only problem I have with this berk-demarcation scheme is the design of the flag itself. Personally, I'd jettison the big red cross/white background malarky in favour of a black rectangle with the word CRETIN printed in the centre in stark bold text.

Traditional flags are hopeless. A few weeks ago, I took part in a pub quiz. In round three you had to match countries to their national flags. It was impossible. With a few notable exceptions, most flags are more or less identical. A different colour here, a thicker line there, but on the whole they all just look like . . . well, like flags.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I always thought that the whole point of flags is to make it easy to tell which country you're dealing with. Instead, thanks to a rash of uninspired design choices, they do the precise opposite. Flags have become a tedious puzzle; a tosser's clue. What next? Replace the names of countries themselves with anagrams? What is this, the Da Vinci Code? The system's in chaos.

Who decides what can and can't go on a flag anyway? Is there a worldwide flag council overseeing this stuff? Presumably drawings are permitted - the Welsh flag's got the right idea with that lovely dragon - but what about photographs? If, say, the Dutch decided to replace their boring tricolour with some hardcore pornography, would they still be allowed to hang it outside the UN?

Or what about sarcastic flags? If I was prime minister of Iraq - which I'm not - I'd commission a parody of the Stars and Stripes and insist on using that. Replace the stripes with missile trails and the stars with skulls. And a little cartoon of George Bush pooing into a bucket or something. It wouldn't cost much and it would make literally everyone in the world laugh out loud. And perhaps all that laughter would bring us all together as one, and we'd spend the rest of the century hugging each other and tumbling around in a great big bed. Or perhaps not.

Anyway, in summary: those protesters who burn flags outside embassies have got the right idea - but they shouldn't be burning them because they disagree with something the country in question has done. They should be burning flags just because they're flags. And flags are rubbish.

[Simon]

I've not heard that Sandi Thom single all the way through yet, but I've seen the TV ad about six billion times, and the short, poxy burst on that is more than enough to convince me that if her sudden rise to stardom WASN'T the end result of a shrewd marketing campaign, the implications are terrifying. Because to believe the official story - that thousands of people voluntarily subjected themselves to this shit online, then recommended it to their friends - is to lose your faith in mankind completely.

There's a simple way to settle this once and for all, and that's for the huge crowd of people who apparently watched Thom's inaugural bedsit webcasts to step forward and make themselves known. Come on. Hands up. I want to see your faces. And then I want you smacked to death with brooms. You people are the enemies of fun. Your bland emissions pollute the atmosphere, threaten the environment. For the sake of humanity, you must be stopped.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Sandi Thom genuinely touches some people. Whoever they are, I can't relate to them. Woody Allen once marvelled with horror at "the level of a mind that watches wrestling", and I'm the same with Sandi Thom fans. All I hear is that telltale, indefinable something that immediately marks it out as something that's bypassed the soul completely: consumable noise for people who don't like music but know listening to it is "the done thing" - like mutant imposters mimicking the behaviour of humans. I can't relate. It doesn't go. I'm being alienated by the replicants.

There's a word for this sort of thing. It's not "art", it's "content". And it's everywhere, measured out by unseen hands, mechanically dangled over the replicants' flapping gobholes; flavourless worms for android hatchlings.

Sometimes I can ALMOST see where content is coming from. Take Angels by Robbie Williams. It's a massively popular piece of content, beloved by millions. If I strain really hard, I can just about make out some genuine emotion. Just a speck or two - but enough to make its huge success at least vaguely explicable. Compared with anything that has any semblance of balls whatsoever, Angels is a bowl of cold mud - but next to most content, it's a towering emotional epic. It almost makes you feel something. No wonder it's become the official theme tune for thick people's funerals.

Anyway, back to Sandi Thom. As luck would have it, while typing this article, I've just heard I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Bollocks in My Mouth) on the radio, and the real braintwister is the lyric, in which she yearns for a time "when accountants didn't have control and the media couldn't buy your soul". It's a boneheaded plea for authenticity, sung in the most Tupperware tones imaginable: a fake paean to a pre-fake era. It's giving me vertigo.

Wait. It gets worse. I've just looked it up on Napster - oh Christ. I didn't realise how far this had gone. The B-side is a cover of No More Heroes by the Stranglers. "Whatever happened to the heroes?", she warbles, knowing full well she's replaced them. She's the musical antichrist.

This is too creepy to be mere coincidence. Someone's messing with us. The replicant kings are trying to mangle our minds. Plug your ears. Block the signal. Final phase. They're taking over.

[Simon]

But what's science anyway? It's only a rigorously tested, peer reviewed system of knowledge about the way our world works, built up over centuries, that's all. It's not a patch on mindless superstition which has been around for far longer and has brought us exciting things like ghosts, demons, witch trials, the tooth reader and of course the baby fucking mind reader.

[Sam]

OK- that was pretty damn funny.

One question though: what the hell is a "norf"? I'm assuming Lahnden is a city. Is "norf" slang for North?

Educate this poor colonial, please.

[Simon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CltHNDhjtK8

[Simon]

Supposing ... We ban parties and replace them with real fun

Charlie Brooker
Friday August 18, 2006
The Guardian

Here's an amusing game for all you coal-hearted misanthropes out there. Next time you find yourself lurking in the corner at a party, watching the disgusting fun unfold around you, start saying the word "despair" out loud. Begin the incantation at conversational level, then increase the volume incrementally until someone asks you to leave. I guarantee you'll be bellowing at the top of your lungs before anyone even notices. If you're lucky, someone else'll join in, and then you've made a new friend. I know; I've tried it myself.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a fun guy. There's nothing I enjoy more than a bit of pointless dicking round. It's the single most life-affirming activity in the world. But I have a problem with parties. Parties are supposed to be the last word in devil-may-care enjoyment, yet they fill me with an infinite sense of sadness, so vast and gaping that shouting "despair" seems like the only sane course of action. After years of pondering the subject, I've worked out why.

Parties somehow represent the rationing of fun, and that very concept depresses me. You're allowed to act like a tit at parties; therefore, by implication, you're not allowed to act like a tit the rest of the time. I consider that a serious infringement of my human rights. It's like society is blowing a whistle and shrieking, "Attention drones - your allotted enjoyment period starts now." Talk about enforced bonhomie. It takes the joy out of joy itself.

Consequently I'm suspicious of parties, and all who sail in them. Experience confirms my aversion. For example, when people refer to someone as a "party animal", you can guarantee what they really mean is "a loud, unimaginative, overbearing cretin who just about gets away with it when everyone around them is too drunk or stupid to complain". If there are any self-proclaimed "party animals" reading this, I hope the ink rubs off on your fingers and poisons you - and if you're online, I hope your monitor shatters, firing white-hot LCD shards into your dimwit, party-loving eyes.

Come to think of it, just hearing the word "party" makes me angry. In addition to wishing misfortune on "party animals" everywhere, I firmly believe that anyone who uses the word "party" as a verb - as in "hey everybody - let's part-ay!" - deserves to die shackled in rags while a masked torturer pours a saucepan of their own boiling blood down their throat. "Let's party" is a pathetic phrase. It really means, "Woo hoo everybody - we're allowed to enjoy ourselves for a moment! Aren't we ker-razy!?" Ugh.

The only solution, as I see it, is to swap the fun/no fun balance in everyday life. I'd prefer it if the entire year consisted of one long party, punctuated by bursts of compulsory stony-faced toil, preferably doled out in the most fascistic manner possible: two hours of serious work a week, overseen by jack-booted stormtroopers who'll thrash you into a coma if you so much as chuckle before the all-clear sounds. Global efficiency levels would sky-rocket. Better still, our quality of life would improve dramatically. And that'd give everyone real cause to celebrate. Not party. Celebrate.

[Simon]

Here's a mystery for you. Renegade urban graffiti artist Banksy is clearly a guffhead of massive proportions, yet he's often feted as a genius straddling the bleeding edge of now. Why? Because his work looks dazzlingly clever to idiots. And apparently that'll do.

Banksy first became famous for his stencilled subversions of pop-culture images; one showed John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson in a famous pose from Pulp Fiction, with their guns replaced by bananas. What did it mean? Something to do with the glamourisation of violence, yeah? Never mind. It looked cool. Most importantly, it was accompanied by the name "BANKSY" in huge letters, so everyone knew who'd done it. This, of course, is the real message behind all of Banksy's work, despite any appearances to the contrary.

Take his political stuff. One featured that Vietnamese girl who had her clothes napalmed off. Ho-hum, a familiar image, you think. I'll just be on my way to my 9 to 5 desk job, mindless drone that I am. Then, with an astonished lurch, you notice sly, subversive genius Banksy has stencilled Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald either side of her.

Wham! The message hits you like a lead bus: America ... um ... war ... er ... Disney ... and stuff. Wow. In an instant, your worldview changes forever. Your eyes are opened. Staggering away, mind blown, you flick v-signs at a Burger King on the way home. Nice one Banksy! You've shown us the truth, yeah?

As if that wasn't irritating enough, Banksy's vague, pseudo-subversive preaching is often accompanied by a downright embarrassing hardnut swagger. His website is full of advice to other would-be graffiti bores, like: "be aware that going on a mission drunk out of your head will result in some truly spectacular artwork and at least one night in the cells". Woah, man - the cells!

He goes on to explain that "real villains" think graffiti is pointless - not because he wants you to agree with them, but because he wants you to know he's mates with a few tough-guy criminal types. Coz Banksy's an anarchalist what don't respect no law, innit?

One of his most imbecilic daubings depicts a monkey wearing a sandwich board with "lying to the police is never wrong" written on it. So presumably Ian Huntley was right then, Banksy? You absolute thundering backside.

Recently, our hero's made headlines by sneaking a dummy dressed in Guantánamo rags into Disneyland (once again fearlessly exposing Mickey Mouse's disgusting war criminal past), and defacing several hundred copies of Paris Hilton's new album (I haven't heard her CD, but I'm willing to bet it's far superior to Blur's godawful Think Tank, a useless bumdrizzle of an album, whose artwork was done by Banksy - presumably he spray-painted it on a brick and hurled it through EMI's window, yeah?).

Right now you can see some of Banksy's life-altering acts of genius for yourself at his LA exhibition Barely Legal (yeah? Yeah!), including a live elephant painted to blend in with some gaudy wallpaper. This apparently represents "the big issues some people choose to ignore" - ie pretty much anything from global poverty to Aids. But not, presumably, the fat-arsed, berk-pleasing rubbishness of Banksy. We're all keeping schtum about that one.

[Simon]

Like the hapless manchild I am, I can't drive a car. I have no licence. Most of the time, that doesn't matter, because I live in London, where it's easy to get about using public transport and you can find most of life's essentials - from groceries to crack-cocaine - freely on sale within walking distance, wherever you are.

The taxi is my favoured mode of transport: they're expensive, but overall cheaper than owning and running my own car. As a result, I spend a lot of time sitting in minicabs, an experience that's undergone a huge shift in recent years, thanks to the advent of GPS for all. Your driver no longer needs to have the faintest idea where he's going, because the magic smartarse box does it all for him. I recently got in a cab and the driver literally couldn't speak a word of English; at the start of the journey he passed me the GPS gizmo and expected me to input the destination address myself. The pixellated arrow did the rest. At first this struck me as pretty shoddy, but the more I thought about it, the more convenient it seemed - it was one step away from having a robot chauffeur. The transport equivalent of an automated vending machine.

And while I sat there it occurred to me that I'd quite like a GPS system of my own. Not for geographical directions, but for simple real-life instructions on what to do next. It'd cover all the basics - telling you to pay your bills and tidy up, helping you locate your house keys, telling you to switch the Xbox off and go to bed, etc - just like an electronic organiser, except it would be plugged directly into your brain; a soothing yet insistent inner voice you can't switch off.

And once the everyday stuff was taken care of, it could help you tackle more complex goals. Just as a GPS system asks you to type in your destination before calculating the quickest route, the "Life GPS" system would let you input a goal (becoming prime minister, perhaps, or having a hit record, or getting off with someone you've taken a shine to), and would then work out the best way to achieve it, in tiny, incremental steps, voiced by someone inherently trustworthy - Kiefer Sutherland in the guise of Jack Bauer, say.

Instead of bleating "turn right at the next junction", Jack would say something like "wipe the fridge door", and you wouldn't understand why, but you'd have to do it anyway, because he'd worked out that a clean fridge door is somehow hugely important in the grand scheme of things; an essential branch of the flowchart.

And just as a GPS system will recalculate its suggested route on the fly if you take the wrong turn, so the Bauer GPS would revise his instructions whenever life threw a random event your way. If, on an important first date, you were suddenly struck by a violent attack of diarrhoea, Jack would leap straight into damage-limitation mode and guide you through the next few hours with such skilful grace you'd not only maintain your dignity, but appear 10 times more attractive than you did before your bowels started churning. He'd be the best friend you ever had.

OK, so you'd be little more than an obedient puppet, wandering through life with no free will - but by God, it'd be simpler. Bauer always knows best.

[I steal cable]

You have to get his book Screen Burn. Who thought a book with just consists of tv reviews would be so fooking funny.

[Kris]

Brooker is fucking brilliant.

OJ didn't do it - but what if it was Norman Wisdom? And what can Pete Doherty tell us about Tony Blair?


Charlie Brooker
Monday November 27, 2006
The Guardian

This week, I was originally going to write about If I Did It, OJ Simpson's notorious hypothetical "confession" to the hideous murders he definitely didn't commit with a knife that wasn't his in a jealous rage he never experienced. Then my editor pointed out that since the OJ story had already been covered in exhaustive detail elsewhere in the paper, for days, the publication of yet another article on the matter might just smack of overkill - fitting, perhaps, given the subject at hand, but tiresome for anyone who had already had their fill of the story.

So I reluctantly agreed not to write about it. And I haven't.

But if I had (which I haven't), I'd have started by asking whether OJ (who is innocent) was the best choice of narrator in the first place. After all, once you remove the murders from his CV (murders which shouldn't be on there in the first place, since he had nothing to do with them), he's kind of boring.

If you must get a famous person to explain how they'd have carried out a murder they didn't commit, cast someone more surprising, someone less likely. I'd prefer to hear, say, Norman Wisdom speculating about how he'd have done it. Chances are he'd have made a hilarious bungling mess of things - accidentally ripping his trousers as he struggled to pull on that undersized glove, tumbling over a hedge on his way to the getaway car, and so on. It'd be a scream.

Come to think of it, this could form the basis of a great Christmas novelty book - a 500-page compilation in which celebrities describe precisely how they'd have committed various appalling crimes throughout history, in blistering first-person detail.

Shriek! As Tim Henman explains how he would have stalked London's East End in the late 19th century, killing women. "I reckon I acted alone," he writes. "I'd possibly had some kind of surgical training and perhaps heard voices in my head urging me to kill."

Gasp! As Lorraine Kelly recalls the chilling moment she stood in the Texas School Book Depository watching John F Kennedy through her rifle sights. "As my finger tightened on the trigger," she explains, "I'd definitely have wished I was back on the sofa at GMTV introducing an item on rollerblading, or sandwiches, or shuttlecocks ... anything really, instead of standing there, preparing to assassinate the world's most powerful man."

Get confused! As Kelly Osbourne imagines how Tony Blair might have single-handedly carried out the Sharpeville massacre - in a series of crayon illustrations by Pete Doherty.

If any celebrities are reading this now, email me your confessions and we'll have it in the shops by Christmas. All proceeds go to charity. Or rather they would, if you'd read this request and I'd written it - which you haven't and I didn't.

[Alf]

He loves Jack Bauer.... the man has taste.

[I steal cable]

fuck me, he's on HIGNFY tonight.

[Hobbit]

:eek:

Well reminded slag.

His review of The Wire is absolutely sensational.

[I steal cable]

I'm reading Dawn of the Dumb atm.

greatness personified

[Kris]

I like Charlie Brooker - I have corresponded with him via Facebook message. He is a nice chap really. I think his misanthropy is a front to disguise his loneliness. :(

Also - The most depressing spectacle is the sight of Marc Bannerman repeatedly dribbling over Cerys from Catatonia, who seems to be playing along out of confusion. This is disappointing because Cerys is quite sweet, while Bannerman looks and sounds monumentally gormless. It's like watching a well-intentioned student nurse letting a brain-damaged adult baby get too close for comfort. Lord knows what Bannerman's "oh" face looks like, although I fear we're about to find out. My guess is that at the point of climax he merely looks confused, gawping at the yop spurting from his funpole in cowed amazement, like a dog trying to follow a card trick.

Delightful.

[Simon]

Christ almighty. Hellzapoppin'. Where on God's Earth do you start? Big Brother (C4, E4, daily) has shovelled some berks our way in the past, but this time - for round seven - they're using nuclear-powered shovels and berks the size of hills. It shouldn't be possible, but clearly it somehow is.

By now, everyone in Europe will be aware that one housemate has stood out for all the wrong reasons: I speak, obviously, of Shahbaz. Shahbaz - a children's party entertainer created in a madman's laboratory, set loose on the world minus an "off" switch. Shabaz - an episode of Crackerjack with an erection down its shorts, running, sobbing and shrieking, right in your direction. Shahbaz the Allfrighty. Fear him. Pity him. Just for God's sake don't encourage him.

Shahbaz spent his first few days in the hellhouse bouncing round the linoleum shrieking, blubbing, squealing and bear-hugging anyone within grasping distance. That was disturbing enough. But when, for some mad reason, this failed to win anyone over, he really went into meltdown - deliberately provoking arguments then playing the victim: behaviour that's not so much attention-seeking as attention-kidnapping. By the time you read this he'll be conducting a dirty protest in tears - and all because he just wants to be loved. Unsettling in a none-too-entertaining way, he should've been pulled out days ago, and unless he's an actor, I fear for his stability following the inevitable eviction. Here's hoping for a soft landing and a happier tomorrow.

Of course, there's one bit of knowledge Shahbaz can comfort himself with: whatever his faults, at least he isn't Sezer. Sezer: yuk. Just what we need on our screens: a pint-sized, pixel-eyed, monotone, priapic, hair-gelled rodent, so in love with himself he probably masturbates to videos of himself masturbating. And it's misplaced adoration, because sculpted torso aside, he's got precisely nothing going for him. He'll never say anything you haven't heard expressed by someone less objectionable before. There are a million identical dullards in the capital alone - hurl a bag of shit into any bar in central London and the chances are it'll burst over four or five of them. (Footnote: infuriatingly, at the time of writing, Tuesday morning, Sezer has behaved entirely reasonably for a full 24 hours. If he doesn't start pissing me off again, I'll have to revise my kneejerk opinion of him. And that would never do.)

Most of the remainder are relatively dull. There's Mikey (sexist Vernon Kay/Owen Wilson cross-splice whose punchably dumb face probably adorns the banknotes in Thickland); George (near-silent posho with the head of an Easter Island statue and a severe case of Portillo lips); Nikki (spoiled chimpette who throws tantrums like Geoff Capes throws fenceposts) and Grace (skinny dance instructor apparently played by Peaches Geldof).

Who else? Think hard now. You can do it. Ah yes: Lea (planet-boobed sometime pornstar who's surgically enhanced her way out of the human race altogether - she now resembles Samantha Janus as described by a lunatic); Dawn (an "exercise scientist" who believes in chakras - so not a scientist at all then); Imogen (cute but flavourless; a passable human vacuum in a thong) and Richard (catty Right Said Fred diplomat clearly doomed to spend the rest of his natural life lifting heavy objects on daytime DIY makeover shows). Apparently, there are two others, called Bonnie and Glyn. But I don't think they've been on camera yet. Still it's not all bad news. Lisa (Lucy Liu channelling the spirit of Bez), for instance, is vaguely tolerable.

But the clear victor, by 10 country miles, is Pete - the Tourette's sufferer whose frequent uncontrollable spasms turn him into a cross between Rik from the Young Ones, Keyop from Battle of the Planets, a Tex Avery cartoon wolf, and Klunk, the chirruping inventor from Dastardly And Muttley In Their Flying Machines. Funny, charming, intelligent, talented, modest and utterly even-handed, he's by far the most likable contestant in the programme's lengthening history. And if he doesn't win, I'll eat Shahbaz.


Good.

[I steal cable]

http://www.e4.com/deadset/flash.html

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Myles]

is there any doubt that simon makes the worst threads?

this guy was a mod ffs :lol:

[Kris]

Incorrect Myles. This is the only good thread he has ever made.

[Myles]

i dunno "which sneakers should i buy" was a pretty good fucking thread

[Simon]

Brooker reviews Walkers' new crisp flavours...


n these health-conscious times, potato crisps have a bad reputation. Gone are the days when you could walk down the street cheerfully snuffling through a pack of Smokey Bacon. Try that now and people will stare at you like you're shooting heroin directly into a genital vein.

The standard tuckshop brands of crisps are shameful things, to be eaten in secret on a car journey. Of course, the fey "gourmet" varieties - thicker, hand-cooked "artisan" crisps with flavours such as Aged Stilton and Ambassador's Port - are still considered acceptable by the food Nazis, provided they're served in a bowl at a cocktail party, surrounded by organic vol-au-vents and snobs. That's because our food neurosis is actually snootiness in disguise.

Consequently, the cheap end of the crisp market has to pull stunts to distract you from the crushing social disgrace involved in actually purchasing a bag. Walkers' latest wheeze is a fun competition. Stage one: they ran adverts inviting the public to suggest exotic new taste sensations. Stage two: they chose six finalists, released them into the wild, and asked the public to vote for their favourite. Stage three: the votes are counted and the top flavour becomes a permanent member of the Walkers line-up. We're currently in stage two.

To lend the enterprise some gravitas, on the Walkers website you can watch kitchen surrealist Heston Blumenthal discussing the new flavours as though he genuinely believes they're edible. But are they? As the nation's foremost investigative journalist, I decided to find out, by buying a packet of each and sampling them. It was a mission that would take me to the very heart of a newsagent's and back. Here are my capsule reviews of the six competing varieties:

Builder's Breakfast

There's some confusion over the exact contents of the Builder's Breakfast. On the website, Heston claims they taste of "sausages, bacon, eggs and beans", whereas the packet itself lists "bacon, buttered toast, eggs and tomato sauce". This would imply that even Walkers don't know what they've got on their hands, possibly because the crisps themselves taste of stale fried egg and little else. It captures the feeling of sitting in a greasy spoon, being dumped via text while your food repeats on you. Depressing.

Crispy Duck and Hoisin

A fairly accurate rendition, although if you close your eyes they taste like the standard Roast Chicken flavour might if the "chicken" in them had been killed with a hammer made of compacted sugar. This is probably something Heston actually does in his restaurant.

Fish and Chips

Sounds like a good idea, but think about it: FISH CRISPS. Consequently they smell vaguely infected. Actually eat one and it's like kissing someone who's just eaten a plateful of scampi. Halfway through they belch in your mouth.

Onion Bhaji

The most convincing flavour, but they taste watered-down; as though Heston boiled one tiny bhaji in a swimming pool full of Evian, and then dipped some potatoes in it. It's like a lame TV movie about onion bhajis, starring Adam Woodyatt, with a soundtrack consisting entirely of library music, broadcast directly on to your tastebuds.

Cajun Squirrel

Self-consciously "wacky" and attention-grabbing entry. Walkers are keen to point out that "no squirrels were harmed in the making of this crisp", which is a pity because I had chucklesome visions of thousands of live, screaming squirrels being bulldozered into an immense bubbling cauldron in front of a party of horrified schoolchildren. The flavour itself is truly vile: if they'd called it Squirrel's Blood, everyone would've believed them. They taste precisely like a tiny cat piping hot farts through a pot-pourri pouch into your mouth.

Chilli and Chocolate

Excreted Battery Acid, more like. A boring lunatic with halitosis explains the smell of charred wood to your tastebuds. It's vaguely like the smell you get when you bleed a radiator, but sharper, more disgusting, and worryingly "human". They should've called it "Dirty Protest" instead.

So there you have it. They're uniformly horrible. Worst of all, none are a patch on, say, standard Salt and Vinegar, which has been around since the Cro-Magnon era. Obviously, they should've chosen more ambitiously. Since the squirrel flavour doesn't actually contain any squirrel, they could unleash other tastes you're vaguely curious about, but would never actually eat, like Cyanide and Lemon, or The Late Marilyn Monroe. If they'd bitten the bullet and genuinely released a flavour called Dirty Protest, people would queue round the block to try it, provided the packet carried a prominent guarantee that it was merely a simulation, not the genuine article. (For the record, according to The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love [ISBN 0 349 10676 2], "faeces supposedly has a charred or sour flavour but otherwise tastes similar to whatever was consumed". So now you know.)

Or maybe they could've worked on flavours that evoked a time and mood instead of mimicking an existing substance. Who could resist Wartime Romance (cigarettes, lipstick, and railway station)? Or Studio 54 (cocaine, sweat, and Bianca Jagger)? Even Medieval Times (mud, gibbet and wet tunic) would be worth trying.

But no. They didn't dare to dream. So in summary: don't vote for any of them. Spoil your ballot paper instead. Because that's what they've done to these innocent potatoes. The bastards. The absolute unconscionable bastards.

[Marlon Dingle]

His new show just started on Channel 4. "You Have Been Watching."

I'm just staring at Jamelia's tits.

[Simon]

Yeah what happened there, where did they come from?!

World's Deadliest Bastards or whatever looks like the best show ever.

[Wooooo]

http://www.e4.com/deadset/flash.html

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

why am I getting name dropped in here?

[McBain]

His new show just started on Channel 4. "You Have Been Watching."

I'm just staring at Jamelia's tits.

Ah shit, missed it.

[Wooooo]

I didn't, she has got tits

[Torn]

I think he's a bit of a cunt to be honest.

[McBain]

He is, but a spot-on cunt.

I revel in his misery. But I'm glad I don't share it in day to day life.

[turdpower]

Yeah what happened there, where did they come from?!


If you mean the tits, she's had massive tits for ages, she just seems to not wear slutty clothes.

[The Rogerer]

That was a weird show. Jamelia.

[Marlon Dingle]

Frankie Boyle is on his show tonight. :D

[Simon]

Excellent news.

I'm reading Dawn Of The Dumb at the moment, a great little compendium.

[The Rosk]

I bloody loved Big Brother for the first whatever years and his writings on it are bloody great in that book.

Perfect toilet reading. Good length of articles for a big sloppy shit.

[Simon]

Not only the perfect length, but his best punchline seems to coincide with the point at which the poo really begins to slide out enjoyable. That's technique.

[Alf]

I loved his description of that Mario bloke 'Mario looks like a Spitting Image puppet of Sly Stallone crudely whittled from a gigantic boiled ham by a madman in a hurry.'

That is poetry.

[McBain]

Definitely tuning in tonight. Looking forward to it.

[Simon]

I loved his description of that Mario bloke 'Mario looks like a Spitting Image puppet of Sly Stallone crudely whittled from a gigantic boiled ham by a madman in a hurry.'

That is poetry.
I've gone off those long drawn-out comparisons a little bit, as he seems to have recognised how popular are and goes to great lengths to contrive them. Or maybe I'm just sad because I know he'll never top the time he said that BB contestant Roberto looked like "a cartoon drawing of a foolish horse".

[Simon]

Or the time he described a certain sexual encounter as "like punching a hole in the side of a hairy cow".

[McBain]

Brilliant.

[Marlon Dingle]

His blog on the Guardian website is amazing.

[McBain]

I read it a lot, yeah.

[Guy]

Excellent news.

I'm reading Dawn Of The Dumb at the moment, a great little compendium.

I love that book, I go back to it every now and then and read a random paragraph as I know I'll be laughing at the end of it

[Guy]

Have you been watching isn't as great as I was hoping it would be :(

[son_of_foley]

Nah it's not really. It feels a bit akward at points. Brooker seems to get annoyed with the guests as well sometimes. It's alright but not quite the brilliance I had hoped for

[Guy]

How quiet did Reece Shearsmith come off on the last epi also.

I mean it's hard to get a word in edgeways with the fantastic Frankie Boyle around, but he seemed genuinely bored

[Alf]

I think it's been an ace show and quite funny.

I think with Reece it's just a case of him not being that much of an extrovert.

[McBain]

Wasn't blown away by it but their were some very funny bits.

The format doesn't get the best out of Brooker but most of the stuff he does in it is still good. Frankie Boyle was class too.

If they cut it down to 30 minutes it would probably help.

[Guy]

I think it's been an ace show and quite funny.

I think with Reece it's just a case of him not being that much of an extrovert.

Clearly. It just struck me a bit, with him being ridiculously extravagant in his writing and TV performances, as well as stage.

His 'psychic' bit was ace though. Was also taken back by how much he was disgusted by the animal slicing programme, considering the contents of his own shows.

Also, as much as I love Brooker when he's holed up in his little cave in front of the TV cursing everyone, how awkward did it get when he was yelling "fuck you" to the guests for not liking the animal show

[turdpower]

Nah it's not really. It feels a bit akward at points. Brooker seems to get annoyed with the guests as well sometimes. It's alright but not quite the brilliance I had hoped for

Yeah, but Boyle dealt with it well, just shouting back.

[Guy]

Wait was SOF referring to the shouting being awkward, or was he saying that there were awkward parts in general?

I hadn't noticed anything else that felt awkward besides that one moment, except maybe that terribly unfunny girl in the last episode who wouldn't shut up

[Marlon Dingle]

I dont see why it has to be a quiz show? Probs because people would compare it too much to TV Burp. But I would have prefered if he just had some guests on and they just reviewed a TV show. The quiz part is just pointless.

Does anyone remember a TV show that use to be on channel 4 where it would be a presenter and 3 guests and they would just sit watch TV and tell you whats on other channels, it was a great show. Iain Lee presented it sometimes, also Justin Lee Collins. It was such a good show, I'd like them to bring that back.

EDIT: Found it - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flipside_TV

[The Rosk]

Yes. Karl Pilkington was a guest on it sometimes. Pretty decent.

[son_of_foley]

Yeah it was mainly the shouting about the animal programme but also some of the interaction between guests felt a bit odd especially BO-SELECTA MEL B talking to Frankie Boyle

[McBain]

Harsh.

I think she's kind of cute in an auntie kind of way. I wouldn't with yours mind.

[turdpower]

That programme was flawed, I'd watch it for five minutes and see them watching something interesting and just flick on to that instead.

[turdpower]

Wait was SOF referring to the shouting being awkward, or was he saying that there were awkward parts in general?

I hadn't noticed anything else that felt awkward besides that one moment, except maybe that terribly unfunny girl in the last episode who wouldn't shut up

She was basically Mary.

[Guy]

They should get Jessica Hynes on it. She's about the only woman that actually makes me laugh

[Alf]

Jessica Hynes falls under the 'Reece' school of writers/comics who in the flesh are NOT funny and actually quite self-concious. Did you see her on Jonathan Ross that time? Train-wreck.

[turdpower]

Lucy Porter is fit for a comedian.

[Guy]

Jessica Hynes falls under the 'Reece' school of writers/comics who in the flesh are NOT funny and actually quite self-concious. Did you see her on Jonathan Ross that time? Train-wreck.

I saw her on Buzzcocks, she was wrestling with Simon Amstell by the end of the show...

[turdpower]

I saw her on Buzzcocks, she was wrestling with Simon Amstell by the end of the show...

You make it sound like they were looking to wrestle each other throughout the show.

[Guy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ9M4JMn_2k

[McBain]

I take it she's got married then?

[Guy]

Yerp

[Marlon Dingle]

Jessica Hynes falls under the 'Reece' school of writers/comics who in the flesh are NOT funny and actually quite self-concious. Did you see her on Jonathan Ross that time? Train-wreck.

Yeah there are Comedy Writers/Actors, and then there are Comedians. There are very few who can do both.

I was shocked to find Jonathan Ross doesn't write his own jokes. I let him off before cause his style of comedy is like cringey bad jokes, but to find out he actually hires someone to write them is outrageous.

[Simon]

Women need to be banned from comedy. Joan Rivers and Sarah Silverman permitted.

You Have Been Watching is pretty crap. The only good bits in it are when Brooker goes into Screen Wipe mode, which begs the question "why doesn't he just do more Screen Wipe?". A longer scene in Screen Wipe about that World's Fightingest Gangs" or whatever from the first episode would have been fantastic, instead it was compacted down into 5 minutes which included an arbitrary "who will win this fight" bit that wasn't interesting.

Frankie Boyle is still great though.

[Alf]

Joan Rivers is awful.

[turdpower]

Yeah, I really dislike her.

Mock The Week hasn't been quite as good as the previous season so far. And as much as I love Frank Skinner he was shit on MTW and on this. His latest stand up is actually really good, I wasn't expecting it.

[Simon]

Joan Rivers is very, very witty. I don't like all of her material and the name-dropping but she is one of the quickest minds in comedy.

[I steal cable]

Also, as much as I love Brooker when he's holed up in his little cave in front of the TV cursing everyone, how awkward did it get when he was yelling "fuck you" to the guests for not liking the animal show

that was my favourite bit, classic Brooker right there

When watching the pilot of YHBW in the front row (YES) I got the feeling it may not work as a tv show. But the fact that most the show consists of Charlie Brooker talking, swearing and making funnies makes me take back my own words and shove them up my arse.


She was basically Mary.

L to the O to the motherfucking L

[Guy]

You Have Been Watching is pretty crap. The only good bits in it are when Brooker goes into Screen Wipe mode, which begs the question "why doesn't he just do more Screen Wipe?". A longer scene in Screen Wipe about that World's Fightingest Gangs" or whatever from the first episode would have been fantastic, instead it was compacted down into 5 minutes which included an arbitrary "who will win this fight" bit that wasn't interesting.

Frankie Boyle is still great though.

I pretty much agree with this, it's like Screen-Wipe light. Why not just make another Screen Wipe?


that was my favourite bit, classic Brooker right there

When watching the pilot of YHBW in the front row (YES) I got the feeling it may not work as a tv show. But the fact that most the show consists of Charlie Brooker talking, swearing and making funnies makes me take back my own words and shove them up my arse.


I agree and disagree. Yes that sort of thing makes me laugh when I'm watching his show or reading his articles or whatever.

But within the context of the show, I don't think it came off the way he wanted it to. Everyone just sort of sat back open eyed in disbelief and even I felt a bit awkward.

[Guy]

Joan Rivers is awful.

I'll tell you who's awful, Jo Brand is fucking awful

"I'm a woman, I have periods, I'm fat and dislike my husband. Repeat"

[Alf]

Yeah, just the way she goes 'Erm' before and after every line.

[Marlon Dingle]

I'll tell you who's awful, Jo Brand is fucking awful

"I'm a woman, I have periods, I'm fat and dislike my husband. Repeat"

I loved on QI when someone said she looked like a female version of John Sergent, then a couple of weeks later they had them both on, and on the same team.

[Simon]

She's just the same as the majority of pretty much any minority act ie. 90% of her act is about how she is a minority. For some reason it seems only working-class white male comedians are allowed to use diverse material.

At least Jo Brand actually writes jokes though - Gina Yashere's ENTIRE act can be concentrated down to one line, done in a Nigerian accent, about being from Hackney. And then she has the cheek to moan about how she had to go to America because there was only space in England for one black female comedian (the woman from Little Miss Jocelyn).

[RFF Champ]

Gina's Laughing Gear on CBBC was bloody hilarious.

[Guy]

Yeah, just the way she goes 'Erm' before and after every line.

Much like Graham Fucking Norton

[Hlebsfall]

Anyone seen that comedy Jo Brand has co-written on BBC3? Can't think what it's called, it's about nurses. I found it fairly amusing, which is a shock, as I hate Jo Brand.

[McBain]

I used to hate her, but I at least realise she's quite a genuine woman these days. Not very funny though, no.

[Darkoke]

Called "Getting On" Hleb.

[Alf]

Yep, getting on is bloody ace.

Last weeks one with the really gobby old cow was brilliant.

[wardy]

But within the context of the show, I don't think it came off the way he wanted it to. Everyone just sort of sat back open eyed in disbelief and even I felt a bit awkward.
It wasn't funny at all. My flatmate and I cringed, and would've turned it over had it not been for the greatness of Frankie Boyle. The woman was shit too.

[Guy]

Especially considering, in this case, I was actually agreeing with the 'contestants'. That the show was just a new and shocking way of presenting things we already knew

[turdpower]

I hope they've gone and got Frankie Boyle permanently.

[Alf]

I don't. It's like his bits are tiny bits of his own stand-up and often it's Boyle doing Boyle things for Boyle sakes rather than working for the greater good of the show.

[Simon]

I don't. It's like his bits are tiny bits of his own stand-up and often it's Boyle doing Boyle things for Boyle sakes rather than working for the greater good of the show.

You reckon? I haven't seen yesterday's episode yet but the previous week he seemed to have dedicated himself solely to making Brooker laugh.

[Marlon Dingle]

I have to say thats what ruined it for me when I went to see him live. It was just all jokes he told in Mock The Week, he is still hilarious and I get why he might resort to some of his stand up. But it was almost every punchline I had hear before. He's been amazing on YHBW and MTW so far though.

[Guy]

I find he's a good guest to have if all of your other guests are shit or quiet.

But when you have say, David Mitchell and/or a few others, he's not necessary

[turdpower]

While Frankie does draw on his stand up (and all the comedians do on Mock The week, I like Russell Howard, but the amount of times I've heard his queen pretending to be a stamp joke is ridiculous) his podcast has proven to me that he writes material especially for the show.

[Simon]

I have to say thats what ruined it for me when I went to see him live. It was just all jokes he told in Mock The Week, he is still hilarious and I get why he might resort to some of his stand up. But it was almost every punchline I had hear before. He's been amazing on YHBW and MTW so far though.

I have to admit seeing his live stuff put me off slightly as it was very repetitive, but having said that his more recent stuff on MTW has been great. I think his problem isn't a lack of material but overexposure - he has a huge amount of material, but has near-total coverage on TV now and naturally can't have entirely new material every time. Great comedian though.

[turdpower]

Do you know if another of the podcasts is going to happen?

[The Rogerer]

Especially considering, in this case, I was actually agreeing with the 'contestants'. That the show was just a new and shocking way of presenting things we already knewI didn't see that episode, but is that about the thing on Channel 4 where the advert implies "This is THE show to watch, we will be answering the big questions", when really they're just doing an autopsy on a giraffe? So what? It's not like it was the show where they did humans.

[Guy]

Basically.

They'd cut up an elephant, then say "Look, the insides of an elephant are massive"

Then give you a barrage of facts about elephants that you could find on any wildlife documentary, the internet, or...god forbid...a BOOK

[Simon]

It's summer, so the cinemas are cluttered with films unfit for human consumption. CGI has ruined everything. Don't get me wrong: I love computer graphics. I thought Wall-E was brilliant. I'm even excited by the prospect of next year's Tron sequel. CGI is great when it has earned the right to be there. Kneejerk CGI action, however, is the single most tiresome development of the 21st century.

In 2007 I saw Die Hard 4.0 on the big screen. It was the 3,000ft computer-generated straw that broke the 3D camel's back. Towards the end of the film there's a lengthy sequence in which antediluvian tough guy Bruce Willis (played by Touché Turtle) hurtles along in an articulated lorry while a fighter jet tries to stop him by machine-gunning the entire world to pieces. The scene grows steadily more outlandish: huge sections of highway buckle and collapse; the truck swerves and tumbles and is literally shredded by bullets; Bruce leaps on to the back of the jet and leaps off just as it explodes in a massive fireball.

And it's boring. Unbelievably boring. At any given moment, only 17% of what you're watching is real, and you know it. You're not immersed in the slightest. At best you're impressed by the rendering of the smoke plumes. It would genuinely have been more exciting to replace the entire chase with a scene in which the bad guy made Bruce stand at one end of a bar and threatened to shoot him unless he successfully tossed a dried pea into a novelty Charlie Brown eggcup down by the toilet door before the alarm went off on his iPhone.

The second Transformers movie came out this year. I didn't fight for a ticket. I'd caught the first one by accident. It was like being pinned to the ground while an angry dishwasher shat in your face for two hours. Any human dumb enough to voluntarily sit through a second helping of that unremitting fecal spew really ought to just get up and leave the planet via the nearest window before their continued presence does lasting damage to the gene pool.

CGI isn't the only villain. On Friday, a remake of The Taking of Pelham One Two Three opened in British cinemas. The 1974 original is a brilliant, grubby little thriller; the perfect heist movie. The remake is directed by Tony Scott and stars Denzel Washington and John Travolta. Merely reading that sentence should be enough to give even the most blase film buff cancer of the enthusiasm.

Obviously, these are desperate times. With that in mind, here are three deceptively great movie ideas for Hollywood to pinch at its leisure:


Title Come Alive!

Synopsis God decides to grant evangelical preacher Will Ferrell the power to heal the sick with his fingertips. But the almighty's lightning bolt misses its target, hitting Will's penis instead. Now Will is cursed with the miraculous ability to cure any disease or fix any injury – but only if he has full sexual intercourse with the patient. Since Will is also a 45-year-old unmarried virgin with strong views on sex outside marriage, it won't be an easy ride!

Review What starts as a regulation gross-out comedy soon takes an unsettling turn as Will faces an agonising * decision at his father's deathbed, before building to a frankly unbelievable conclusion in which a terrorist cell releases the Ebola virus in the local donkey sanctuary . . . and only one man can save the day.


Title Hollywood Mosquito 3D

Synopsis Seizing on the current vogue for 3D Imax releases, Hollywood Mosquito 3D is a cinematic spectacle shot entirely from the point of view of a hungry mosquito flying around Los Angeles during a heatwave. Filmed with microscopic high-definition cameras, the action consists of eye-popping and shockingly frank sequences in which the naked, breathing bodies of your favourite Hollywood stars are transformed into immense, surreal landscapes: living canyons of flesh for you to fly over, around . . . even inside.

Review No blemish is left secret, no crevice goes unexplored, and absolutely no blushes are spared in this bluntly explicit thrill ride starring Harvey Keitel, Megan Fox, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Anjelica Huston, Mickey Rourke and Zac Efron.


Title Nic Cage: My Life as John Lennon the Cow

Synopsis In this groundbreaking experimental documentary and extreme "method acting" challenge Nicolas Cage spends an entire year living life as a cow – standing in fields, eating grass, crapping on all fours, with no human contact whatsoever. Having spent 365 days becoming fully immersed in the cow mindset, he is unceremoniously whisked to New York's Dakota building where he must simulate the last eight weeks of John Lennon's life while retaining his bovine perspective and continuing to wear his prosthetic hooves.

Review Cage's brave attempt to experience Lennon's final days through a cow's eyes offers a refreshing insight into the ex-Beatle's musical genius, as well as a hilarious scene in which, frustrated by his inability to play the chords to Jealous Guy thanks to his hooves, he angrily butts his head against the sideboard and drops a manpat on the carpet.


There you go, dream factory. Yours for the taking. And all I ask in return is an on-screen credit, an embroidered baseball cap, and $750m.

Brooker back to his best. The Ferrell movie idea is great.

[turdpower]

Boyle is on it again next week :yes:

[eldanielfire]

Yeah, I really dislike her.

Mock The Week hasn't been quite as good as the previous season so far. And as much as I love Frank Skinner he was shit on MTW and on this. His latest stand up is actually really good, I wasn't expecting it.

I think MTW is having problems many political commentators are having, the material is exhausted and labour are basically such an out-touch parody of themselves it's borderline imposible to use them as material because there is nothing else to say bar the blindingly obvious.

Meanwhile Cameron has generally managed to keep any personality in his party away from publicity, Boris and the seemingly decent hague aside. It is helped by the fact the Tory newbies all seem fairly bland normal professionals he has swipped from middle management everywhere.

[McBain]

It was like being pinned to the ground while an angry dishwasher shat in your face for two hours.

:lol:

I didn't think Transformers 1 was that bad (perhaps because my family loved it), but that quote is priceless.

I also loved the "manpat" pay-off to the Lennon idea.

[Beefy]

I like Brooker but I think he's pretty wrong about that last piece. I hate CGI as much as anyone and criticising it's use in Die Hard 4.0 is definitely a valid point (although the latest Indy film would have been a far better example as at least the CGI in Die Hard was good), but criticising Transformers for being mainly CGI seems a bit ridiculous.

A live-action Transformers film without a huge amount of CGI clearly couldn't happen and therefore CGI has a place. It's where it's used excessively in films which could be made equally well, or indeed better, without it that it's a problem.

[Fanny]

case in point: Toy Story.

[Fanny]

kid-on. On a serious note, re: The Matrix Reloaded and the car chase sequence. A friend often posited to me that the CG in that sequence was too obvious at times and that you could tell they were computer rendered images. To whit my response was; well, it's in the Matrix, a computer generated construct, of course it's going to look like graphics from time to time!

A stretch, I know, but it allowed me to hang on to a huge downside of the franchise as they slowly beat seven bells of shite out of it.

[The Rogerer]

People whinge about CGI and it's completely misplaced. What they really mean is shit CGI or more importantly shit direction.

[Beefy]

The CGI was by far the best thing about the sequels to The Matrix. I was so pumped in the second one at the 'Neo vs 3946 copies of Smith' fight that it almost made up for the 40 tedious plot-heavy minutes before hand.

[Fanny]

oh yeah it was nice, just at times it was a bit obvious. The final showdown between Smith and Neo in Revolutions rates as one of my favourite cinematic experiences

"Miiisssster Andersooon, welcome back. We've misssssssed you."

"Like what I've done with the place?!!?!"

Hugo Weaving is a genius. Smith > Ledger Joker

[Beefy]

People whinge about CGI and it's completely misplaced. What they really mean is shit CGI or more importantly shit direction.

I know where you're coming from but I do think that there's just too much CGI in films which could be done better without it. Studios are constantly trying to raise the bar by using more and more and better and better CGI where it really doesn't need to be.

You look at films like Back to the Future. There's 13 special-effects shots in that entire film. If it was made today then you know that it would be a CGI-fest, probably at the expense of the story. Look at the 21st Century versions of Superman, Die Hard, Indiana Jones, Star Wars.... all CGI-heavy, all shit. I bet Hollywood would have loved to have found a way to squeeze some CGI into Rocky Balboa somehow.

[Beefy]

oh yeah it was nice, just at times it was a bit obvious. The final showdown between Smith and Neo in Revolutions rates as one of my favourite cinematic experiences

"Miiisssster Andersooon, welcome back. We've misssssssed you."

"Like what I've done with the place?!!?!"

Hugo Weaving is a genius. Smith > Ledger Joker

I've been thinking of watching all three again. Smith is a ridiculously good film baddie, held back by the fact that he was in two terrible sequels.

[Fanny]

I don't think the character was damaged at all by the sequels though, he was clearly the best thing about them. They totally dropped the ball on the Meriv...Merovinge....The French Man though. He was fucking awesome and should've been utilised to far greater an extent

[Beefy]

http://www.ota-jones.net/main/images/lamberter3.jpg

You have some skills.

[Fanny]

"I love French wine, like I love the French language. I have sampled every language, French is my favorite. Fantastic language. Especially to curse with. Nom de dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère. It's like wiping your arse with silk. I love it. "

[El Capitano Gatisto]

I know where you're coming from but I do think that there's just too much CGI in films which could be done better without it. Studios are constantly trying to raise the bar by using more and more and better and better CGI where it really doesn't need to be.

You look at films like Back to the Future. There's 13 special-effects shots in that entire film. If it was made today then you know that it would be a CGI-fest, probably at the expense of the story. Look at the 21st Century versions of Superman, Die Hard, Indiana Jones, Star Wars.... all CGI-heavy, all shit. I bet Hollywood would have loved to have found a way to squeeze some CGI into Rocky Balboa somehow.

Saw a trailer for that Aliens in the Attic film for kids coming out now with the aliens being CGI. Made me wonder how Gremlins came out 25 years ago and still looks better than this new stuff.

[The Neon Testicle]

I've always been a fan of Charlie's I have seen all the screenwipes etc and read the compilation books and read his column in the Guardian on Mondays.

This is the thing that for me cemented his utter brilliance.

''In the 18th century, a revolution in thought, known as the Enlightenment, dragged us away from the superstition and brutality of the Middle Ages toward a modern age of science, reason and democracy. It changed everything. If it wasn't for the Enlightenment, you wouldn't be reading this right now. You'd be standing in a smock throwing turnips at a witch. Yes, the Enlightenment was one of the most significant developments since the wheel. Which is why we're trying to bollocks it all up.

Welcome to a dangerous new era - the Unlightenment - in which centuries of rational thought are overturned by idiots. Superstitious idiots. They're everywhere - reading horoscopes, buying homeopathic remedies, consulting psychics, babbling about "chakras" and "healing energies", praying to imaginary gods, and rejecting science in favour of soft-headed bunkum. But instead of slapping these people round the face till they behave like adults, we encourage them. We've got to respect their beliefs, apparently.''

I for one, could not agree more.

[Marlon Dingle]

What a fucking name mate. I like you already.

[Fanny]

he lives in my pants!

[The Neon Testicle]

he lives in my pants!

In your wet dreams sunshine.

[Fanny]

goooooooooooood morning madaaaaam

[turdpower]

GAMESWIPE is on BBC 4 tonight

:yes:

[Simon]

Fucking hell, I thought this wasn't on until Christmas.

[turdpower]

CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY.

[Simon]

I heard you do too.

[turdpower]

Merked.

[Guy]

Awesome news :yes:

[Repo]

He was on "Would i lie to you" last night

Not all that one good exchange with David though.

[turdpower]

Very enjoyable last night, I loled a few times.

[Hobbit]

Yeah I loved it last night, a really excellent episode. The rapist games :lol:

I totally agree with Dara O'Brien's point about not being able to access content you've paid for in some (most) games until you unlock it, especially with the music games like Guitar Hero.

Can't wait for more Newswipe next year.

[Eggbert Spam]

Surprisingly, I have that Rapelay game.

[Guy]

Was it just a one off episode?

[Simon]

Yep.

[Guy]

Meh.

It was ok, nothing brilliant. I was expecting it to be a setup for a series giving more detailed looks into the gaming genres.

[turdpower]

Surprisingly, I have that Rapelay game.

This does not surprise me.

[Marlon Dingle]

I remember when I was in Cubs, there was an old computer in the Scout Hut, and a kid brought in this game which was just you as a naked guy running a round and spunking on women and getting them pregnant, it was like the most outrageous and dangerous thing for me to look at as a 9 year old boy, scared of getting caught by an adult whilst playing that game. Looking back on it now, basically it was just a shitty repetitive shooting game. Shooting your load that is. :lol:

[son_of_foley]

What else happened in the scout hut

[Marlon Dingle]

If I had a doll I'd point to the places where Baloo touched me.

[turdpower]

My ex Scout leader is now a convicted sex offender :D

[Marlon Dingle]

My ex Scout leader is now a convicted sex offender :D

Were there any obvious signs when you were at scouts that he was a peado? Apart from the obvious.

[turdpower]

I don't know if he is a paedo or whatever, just a sex offender. Never really found out.

I would say that he was fairly weird. He was also the step dad to a lad that went to scouts. Him mum was Baloo. He never did have a chance.

Probably got molested too.

[turdpower]

Charlie Brooker won a comedy award last night. "Best newcomer" haha.

[McBain]

Always a load of bollocks that concept, basically means "new to the mainstream's attention". Pisses me off when bands win it.

[StevieV]

It was nice to see him beat two children.

[turdpower]

December 22nd, his review of the year is on :yes:

[Marlon Dingle]

What channel? BBC FOUR or Channel 4?

[turdpower]

It's Screenwipe, so it's on the BBC.

[I steal cable]

brilliant

[Curly Toe]

Yus.

[turdpower]

I enjoyed it, Gameswipe is on again tonight for anyone that missed it. Well worth a watch and could easily have been a series in itself.

I also listened to him on Dave Gorman's Genius, probably the best guest on it.

[turdpower]

Just bought SCREEN BURN and DAWN OF THE DUMB for 3 quid each in HMV.

[Simon]

They are both great, he has a new collection out as well.

[turdpower]

Where can I find this?

[Alf]

google.

[Simon]

Also his show You Have Been Watching is back this Thursday, and also also his column about the World Cup crisp flavours this week is great.

[Darkoke]

Next Thursday - 15th April.

[Wooooo]

Next Thursday - 15th April.

and just before Wednesday

[Darkoke]

What are you on about now you wittering retard?

[Wooooo]

What are you on about now you wittering retard?

Your ridiculous guide to the calender

[Darkoke]

Were you dropped on your head as a child then repeatedly kicked in the face?


Also his show You Have Been Watching is back this Thursday, and also also his column about the World Cup crisp flavours this week is great.

Simon says it's on this Thursday which would be the 8th of April, following so far? He is mistaken and I correct him thusly:


Next Thursday - 15th April.

Where do your inane ramblings fit in?

[Simon]

Darkoke you git.

[Darkoke]

What? :dunno:

[son_of_foley]

Darkoke has laid waste to this thread and all in it.

EXECUTION STYLE

[turdpower]

Anyone watch the Alternative Election Night? Brooker was on and basically did a small "newswipe" style section (amongst other stuff). Was really surprised he was allowed to do that for Channel 4.

[The_Mike]

Yeah I saw it, it was pretty good. It's on 4OD/Youtube now as well.

[Darkoke]

There's hope for all misanthropes


Konnie Huq and Charlie Brooker engaged?

Konnie Huq and Charlie Brooker have reportedly got engaged after a secret nine-month relationship.

The ex-Blue Peter presenter and You Have Been Watching host were apparently thinking of getting married in Las Vegas during a month-long road trip across America together.

However, they were forced to put the holiday on hold after Huq was chosen to host The Xtra Factor, reports the Daily Mail.

A source said: "Konnie and Charlie are very much in love. They got engaged some weeks ago, but have been trying to keep the news quiet.

"They were going to go on holiday this Friday and were thinking of actually getting married in Vegas, but that has all been put on ice after Konnie got The Xtra Factor. It's been a bit of a whirlwind week."

Meanwhile, a source told The Sun: "Konnie's really upset as she was looking forward to getting away with Charlie.

"She kept joking they were going away to have a shotgun wedding. You never know with those two though - that might be why she was so gutted about cancelling it."

The relationship is said to have blossomed after Huq appeared in an episode of Brooker's Screenwipe last year.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a224289/konnie-huq-and-charlie-brooker-engaged.html

[Simon]

Explains the new haircut. "I'm not marrying you unless you sort your barnet out".

Also it casts him in a bit of a poor light considering he scripted her saying "Hi, I'm Konnie Huq - I'm 34, but look about 9" on his show :D

[Alf]

Lucky bugger. I'd love to have a go on Huq.

[turdpower]

Dara O'Briain will be furious.

[turdpower]

Also, I'm quite annoyed that Willoughby is leaving Xtra Factor :(

[Fanny]

Fuck a Huq!

[Fanny]

http://www.startrip.tv/images/2008/12/04/konnie_huq.jpg

COME AND GET IT

[Frank_Drebin]

blimey. Bit worried about that belly button though.

[jesus sucks]

can't believe you would actually notice her belly button in that photo :lol:

but yeah, her belly button does look fucking rancid. well spotted.

[The Rogerer]

She's sitting down ffs.

[El Capitano Gatisto]

How can he stay misanthropic if he gets to play with her delightful boobs every evening?

[turdpower]

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/08/29/x-factor-s-konnie-huq-and-charlie-brooker-eloped-to-las-vegas-for-secret-wedding-115875-22521352/

That picture seems to be the only one anyone has of them together.

[jesus sucks]

good grief!!!! just goes to show if you have loads of money you can pull anyone.

hadn't heard of him till this thread actually. is he minted then i take it? what films has he been in. i might have seen one of them but not remembered.

edit- just read he isn't an actor. oh well. back off to my cave. don't know him from anything. maybe he can come to the birds thread and tell us all what the wedding was like.

[Fanny]

he's a very funny television satirist...but you'll never know that :(

[HHHnFoley_Rulez]

Konnie Huq ruins the Xtra Factor with her boring face and shit acting ability.

I WANT HOLLY WILLOUGHBY BACK! :mad:

[Fanny]

I wasn't paying attention to that while I was bashing two and a half out (bordering on a spastic came on and interrupted the third so I changed channels to Ghost Whisperer :yes: )

[Gangers]

And carried on.

[HHHnFoley_Rulez]

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jan2010/4/9/holly-willoughby-450-tits-138909762.jpg

[Fanny]

would genuinely give my right testicle for a go on that

[jesus sucks]

i hate talent shows and people who watch them :no:.

[The Rogerer]

You'll get too much support for that, say something about Charlie's interractial relationship instead.

[jesus sucks]

i can't really think of anything new to say there mate. to me, maybe it's just that couple looks a complete mismatch, and cannot be taken seriously for numerous reasons. all of which i've gone through previously. it just can't be taken seriously really.

[Fanny]

because you're a racist.

?

I might've missed your point.

[Mr McGregor]

I'd like to show my appreciation for this man without you circle-jerkers reacting pompously please.

I love him and his mouth/pen words a lot.

[jesus sucks]

why doesn't she just go out with Amir Khan or something? this is what i don't get, which is why i keep saying there is other more sinister motives to these kind of relationships. some sort of motive to wind up the asian community being the most likely. either way i don't acknowledge this sort of stuff as a real relationship. if they have kids watch them be totally messed up by the situation too, which is unfair on the kids.

anyway i'll look out for his shows now i know who he is, for the sake of the forum as he seems popular on here and i can join in the discussions :yes:

[Mr McGregor]

Wasn't she nobbing a coked-up Richard Bacon before? She's clearly more into the caucasian variety of smackhead. Wouldn't you be?

[The Rogerer]

Most people will have more than one relationship in their lives. Some will have many. Obviously each one needs to end for another to begin. I don't know what Tim classes as 'failure' but it's presumably the ending of a relationship. By that, the vast majority of relationships would be judged by Tim to be a failure. So why he thinks interracial relationships are any different is beyond me. He has a facile, ignorant and naive view of the world and will not acknowledge that every relationship has hundreds of difficulties. He may be putting this on for the sake of entertainment, which is even more sad.

He's back on Rajah because he did a good review of Dumbo, and people like a bit of playful misogyny on here a lot. Clunge Beef Curtains Put a banana up her exhaust like Beverly Hills Cop

[Gangers]

Clunge Beef Curtains Put a banana up her exhaust like Beverly Hills Cop

asghagahjgahgasaaash amirite

[jesus sucks]

Most people will have more than one relationship in their lives. Some will have many. Obviously each one needs to end for another to begin. I don't know what Tim classes as 'failure' but it's presumably the ending of a relationship. By that, the vast majority of relationships would be judged by Tim to be a failure. So why he thinks interracial relationships are any different is beyond me. He has a facile, ignorant and naive view of the world and will not acknowledge that every relationship has hundreds of difficulties. He may be putting this on for the sake of entertainment, which is even more sad.

He's back on Rajah because he did a good review of Dumbo, and people like a bit of playful misogyny on here a lot. Clunge Beef Curtains Put a banana up her exhaust like Beverly Hills Cop

oi thought we were mates now? you have thrown my friendship back in my face :(

least nobody can say i haven't been a nice guy anyway.

also i've made it clear i judge the failure by lots of things. i said my parents didn't really work, but they were together for over 30 years. lots of reasons their mixed relationship didn't work tho, mainly down to her. there is working 100% like two white people, which has no social problems involved and nobody against it. and then you have the mixed ones where my evidence points to the negatives outweighing the positives. even in ones that last years or get married i don't believe it's a proper relationship when both sides are totally mismatched and are not looked upon equally by the general public.

[Gangers]

So just so I can keep up with all these changes:

1. This thread is now the 'Interracial Relationships' thread.
2. The 'Interracial Relationships' thread is now the 'Birds' thread.
3. The 'Birds' thread is now the 'Rajah Meet' thread.

Is that about right? This game of musical threads is wacky.

[jesus sucks]

something like that Gangrel :shifty: people just keep asking me about things and sidetracking the threads as i am then under pressure to answer. i can't help it if you guys won't help yourselves at the end of the day.

[Gangers]

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't blaming you particularly, it's just tough to keep up.

Wait until the Post a Picture of Yourself thread becomes This Is Who I Am, or People Who Post becomes Dirty Old Man #1504. That'll fuck everything up.

[Alf]

I am more willing to back Tim's claims now...

I was on the tube yesterday and an asian guy got on with a white girl. They were standing up with their back to the rest of the carriage, but I could see all down it. They were holding hands and had a little peck and that's it. There was a family of other asians on there and they were staring and whispering to eachother.

And it reminded me of this fit asian girl at work who was saying she could never, ever, ever bring a white guy home to meet the folks. It just doesn't happen.

[The Rogerer]

Do you think she'll go on with that to her own kids?

Tim, I'm not angry at you, but that doesn't change how I feel.

[I steal cable]

tonight on bbc2 10pm

[Winkle van Tinkle]

ANY WORD ON WHETHER KONNIE HUQ'S MINGE WILL BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE?

[Fanny]

I'd wear that thing like a fucking gas mask and take deep breaths

[BBF]

This thread reminded me how much I fancy Jessica Hynes. Thanks.

[Winkle van Tinkle]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_eacB-M4BzwU/SXnh7lVyO3I/AAAAAAAAHgY/Kjf36A0Zs8c/s400/konnie-Huq-mud1.jpg



YouTube - Konnie Huq: if I had HIV, would you kiss me?

[Bad Collin]

This thread reminded me how much I fancy Jessica Hynes. Thanks.

She's mine, back off.

[BBF]

I would fight you for her/share her with you.

[Bad Collin]

Alright, I'll share but I am going first.

[Winkle van Tinkle]

You just want BC don't you, and you're using her as bait, you dirty fucking swine!

[BBF]

Look who wants to put what up Collin's arse isn't the issue here.

[Mik]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_eacB-M4BzwU/SXnh7lVyO3I/AAAAAAAAHgY/Kjf36A0Zs8c/s400/konnie-Huq-mud1.jpg



YouTube - Konnie Huq: if I had HIV, would you kiss me? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ke2QKx26iNc&feature=player_embedded)


Nuts. If she had HIV, I'd do everything but fuck her bare back and even that with some gentle goading.

[Guy]

YouTube - Konnie Huq: if I had HIV, would you kiss me? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ke2QKx26iNc&feature=player_embedded)

This advert is bullshit.

The main reason I personally wouldn't kiss someone with HIV, is because I'd find it difficult to willfully engage in an intimate relationship with someone knowing they had HIV.

Do I think I'm going to catch it from a kiss? No.
Would I bother chatting up and kissing someone I wouldn't want to eventually have sex or more with? No.

So why would I want to chat up and kiss someone who had HIV knowing I will be terrified of any sex it may lead to, and that's without taking into account the idea of starting a personal relationship with someone with a serious health problem.

[MikeHunt]

so could you not be in a relationship with someone in a wheelchair?

[Guy]

Slightly different.

I can't contract WHEELCHAIR

[Guy]

Plus I wouldn't be permanently worried about losing my partner to the WHEELCHAIR virus.

[BBF]

You would if you were dating me and gave me that sort of lip.

[Guy]

Did you just subliminally ask me out?

[BBF]

Did you just subliminally say yes?

[MikeHunt]

wheelchair is a disease!

and it's contagious!

you can get it from spinning on an office chair for 30mins anti-clock wise that a wheelchair carrier has used.

[Guy]

Did you just subliminally say yes?

Well I didn't say no.. :shifty:

[BBF]

Oooh my first online boyfriend.

[Guy]

Wanna cyberz?

[virms]

Guy is a chubby chaser.

Watch your back Slare...if you can :shifty:

[BBF]

My hands are on your back.

[Guy]

Guy is a chubby chaser.

Watch your back Slare...if you can :shifty:

I'll watch it for him.

[Simon]

That was fucking fantastic. The bit about Raoul Moat in particular..."I'm surprised they didn't show a photo of him breast-feeding and call him a tit-biting madman" :rofl: amazing.

"He left a dictaphone message claiming to be upset by the coverage and threatening to kill a member of the public for every inaccurate report, a bit like an armed extremist wing of the press complaints commission"

[turdpower]

He's got a new series starting on BBC 2 tomorrow night called: How TV Ruined Your Life

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00y6mz2

[The_Mike]

He was on Channel 4's Ten O'Clock Live this week too. I think he'll be on regularly. It's decent, not great. An hour is a bit much for it I think.

[I steal cable]

I'm still fuming they dumped Daily Show for that.

utter bollocks

[The_Mike]

The did WHAT?!

[I steal cable]

CHANNEL 4 STOPPED SHOWING THE DAILY SHOW CAUSE THEY WANTED TO CONCENTRATE ON THEIR OWN PROGRAMMING

[turdpower]

He was on Channel 4's Ten O'Clock Live this week too. I think he'll be on regularly. It's decent, not great. An hour is a bit much for it I think.

Yeah, that was discussed in the comedy thread. It's OK

[The_Mike]

CHANNEL 4 STOPPED SHOWING THE DAILY SHOW CAUSE THEY WANTED TO CONCENTRATE ON THEIR OWN PROGRAMMING

FFS! Fuck Channel 4!

[The Rogerer]

Now we won't know what Senator Chad Cheeseburger said.

[The_Mike]

I'm going to miss Michael Steele, Senior Soup Correspondent, the most.

[Simon]

Did anyone watch his new show last night? It was kind of poop. When Pens Get Hot was good though.

[The Rogerer]

It didn't have much direction and didn't deliver on the title. Plus after Newswipe and his review of the year both having very similar themes, it was old news.

[Simon]

Yeah it seemed like a rehash of an old Screenwipe, guess he needed the new title just to justify doing basically the same programme. The Pen bit was very funny though. The screencaps of people trying to post on the internet when it's really hot was great "Ow I'm gonna kill you all ow"

[turdpower]

Yeah, having watched screenwipe multiple times on my computer, that bit on kids TV was just a rehash of old material.

[Simon]

http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/6761/50016467.jpg

http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/5366/54460649.jpg

[Pete Cash]

oh i watched the pen thing on youtube.

[Red Dog]

Did anyone watch Black Mirror last night? It was written by Charlie Brooker and very funny yet very dark. The plot was that a Princess has been abducted and the ransom was that the Prime Minister had to have full sex with a pig on live tv....

[son_of_foley]

I thought it was terrible. The tv equivalent of Brooker giving himself a rim job.

[Simon]

We discussed it a little bit in the Comedy thread although I don't think that was really the right place for it.

I definitely enjoyed it, but it needed longer than 45 minutes to really make it work. There were too many bits that felt rushed through - most notably the reporter getting shot to cover the error made in wasting time surrounding the campus building, the reveal of the artist as the culprit and his reason for doing it, and the final bit with the wife being unwilling to talk to him which wasn't explained fully enough.

Also a minor criticism, I thought the reactions of the public were offkey - particularly the pub of people cheering, I know this changed when he actually got down to business with the pig but I think even before that people would be sickened and sympathetic about it rather than finding the whole thing funny.

On the plus side, I thought tonally it was fantastic - it was dark without ever feeling like it was going over the top (despite the bizarre setup) and they did a great job of making the actual broadcast an emotional issue rather than a disgustingly visceral one.

Overall I thought it was a slight misfire, but was still excellent, which bodes well for the second and third in the series (next two Sundays) which are separate stories but again focus on the unhinged nature of new media and how it is affecting society. It's just good to see a TV show which was made with real care and passion for once - it could have been better, mainly if it had a bit more time, but it was still great. The next episode is in a 90 minute slot so hopefully it won't suffer from the same feeling of being rushed.